Please Stop Justin Bieber from Being Around Animals It Only Ends In Heartbreak Or DeathBy Bauce Sauce
Last week, Justin Bieber Instagrammed two pictures of him with a baby snow leopard. He must be stopped.
If you recall three months ago, Justin Bieber adopted a capuchin monkey named Mally for a month. He abandoned it at the German border after not having the proper paperwork to travel with it. How convenient. The monkey faced euthanasia before a German zoo swooped in at the 11th hour and pardoned the primate. The zoo released a statement indicating that the monkey was way too young to have been removed from its mother, and that keeping it as a pet was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad thing. He has never made mention of this incident publicly, hoping to hide the truth underneath an almost infinite amount of IG scrolls. Justin Bieber is a terrible pet owner.
If you can believe it, that's not even the first time he deceived a monkey. Here is a video from 2012 where he seduces a hapless monkey into kissing him only to leave him forever, and break his tiny little monkey heart. "I love¹²³ monkeys⁴," Bieber exclaims afterwards. Oh, really? The evidence proves otherwise. We should have seen this coming. We should have been Harry recognizing Dexter's psychopathic tendencies and done something to quell this behavior. But. We. Did. Not. Shame on us; shame on Justin Bieber. Shame on Scooter Braun; shame on Asher Roth. Shame on Lil Za; shame on Lil Za for pronouncing his name "Zay" instead of "'Za" like an abbreviation of "pizza." What a missed opportunity.
Mally was still in quarantine at the German border when Bieber moved on to a new pet: Tuts the Cat. The last we've seen or purred from Tuts was five days ago when Lil Twist got on Justin Bieber's USTREAM. Tuts looks stressed, dependent on barbiturates and Yung Lean-levels of sad. If Lil Twist is hanging around Tuts then it is just a matter of time before TMZ catches Lil Twist being arrested for a DUI driving Tuts' car.
Justin has a history of irresponsibility and pets.
In December 2012, Bieber gave away his hamster, Pac, to a random teen girl standing by a fence waiting to creep on his tour bus, an obviously fit mother by MTV standards. Bieber acquired the rodent as a Believe Tour mascot, and loved it for a couple of months before leaving it for the prospect of singledom and freedom (sound familiar, Selena Gomez?).
No background checks. No interviews. He didn't even know the girl's Twitter handle. He simply handed over the little furball to a girl on the sidewalk. Justin Bieber is a goddamn sociopath. The rodent lived for three more months before perishing from this world, never knowing why his father gave him up. Pac's life story was posthumously sold to NBC; his memoirs were used as the basis of the classic sitcom "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air." That fateful event would go on to become one of the most powerful scenes in television history:
"Why he ain't want me, man?" - Pac, 11/1/2012 - 3/12/2013
Before Pac, there was "Johnson," the snake Bieber wore to the VMAs, which was dropped off at Rad Zoo in Owatonna, MN, after Biebzy F. Baby grew tired of playing with it. Cold-blooded.
Before Johnson, Jelena adopted a dog named Baylor. As is his modus operandi, Bieber left the dog and Selena, turning Selena into just another single parent.
These two pictures of Justin Bieber snuggling a baby snow leopard at the Columbus, OH Zoo and Aquarium seem innocuous. But, when framed within a life of serial neglect and death, there is cause for immense concern for three reasons: 1) The Columbus Zoo has no snow leopards 2) The caption 3) They are endangered.
Polar Pete's Gift Shop can be seen in the background. However, Columbus Zoo has not one mention of snow leopards anywhere on their website, and no press releases about such a would-be-huge attraction This leads us to deduce that Columbus Zoo houses some type of endangered animal black market showroom where the bored and wealthy can harass and purchase rare animals. Staring at their little endangered buttholes as they are paraded around a smoky den of iniquity, millionaires can live out their wildest Jeff Corwin fantasies.
Bieber says, "My little baby snow leopard :) miss u buddy," indicating that he has a previous relationship with this Snow Leopard. Did he once own it and leave it behind in a humorous haste like a BangBus starlet? Yes. Snow Leopards are endangered as fuck. We can't let Bieber destroy the viability of Snow Leopards for future generations. This Snow Leopard only has three possible life outcomes now: addicted to marijuana weed plants and signed to Young Money, left in a cardboard box next to a Howard Johnson motel dumpster or dead in a backstage arena bathroom. Justin Beiber must be stopped.
Can we organize a Kickstarter for Discovery or Animal Planet to hire a full-time bodyguard to ensure Bieber never touches another animal again? Is there anything we can even do at this point? I fear there is not. Let us pray to Zoroaster above that he never discovers the Malayan Tapir.
⁴monkey that finds its way in my perfectly coiffed crosshrais muwahahahahahaahaahahhaahaha
Follow the mysterious demon known as Bauce Sauce on Twitter - @BauceSauce
If R. Kelly Makes Us So Uncomfortable, Why Do We Keep Listening?
This is art we're talking about, and it's as real as you allow it to be.
Britney Spears: Capitalism's Last Stand
At last, the Queen has found her domain.
The Real Rick Ross Stands Up
We met with the ex-crack kingpin, who told us stories from his drug dealing days and gave us an exclusive excerpt from his upcoming autobiography.
Sorry, Dudes. The Ladies Won Punk This Year.
These are the women who kicked a particularly large amount of ass in 2013.
2013: The Most OK Year Ever
Kitty Pryde reflects on her sort of shitty, sort of amazing 2013.
Cam'ron is Still Harlem's Diplomat
We met with the Golden Boy and spoke wi
YG: Krazy, Sexy, Kool
As he readies his debut studio album, the Cali rapper talks about just how krazy his life is.
When Kellz Freezes Over
We flew down to Atlanta to interview R. Kelly. Like everything in the world of Kellz, nothing went as planned, but it still felt right.
Frank Turner Dragged Me to the Weirdest Show I've Ever Been to
Sometimes you end up at interactive dance parties in Brooklyn basements with cat people.
Kevin Morby's Midwest Heart
The former Woods player and Babies member opens up about his love-hate relationship with New York, and how the internet is eating our souls.