Playing in London? Here's the Gear You Should Roll Up With

It's easy to talk about what gear you need. As I've covered before in this section, I think it would be preferable for musicians to achieve big with limited means. But there are certain things you'll need to play a gig that it's probably best that you turn up with. It's just easier that way. For instance, gigging in London is different to gigging in New York [1]. Atmospherically, London audiences are supposed to be more receptive, but this is an illusion directly attributable to the amount of alcohol consumed in London. True, New York liquor measures are exceptional in their generosity, but New Yorkers do not inhale alcohol with the same Northern European zest as Londoners do. Indeed, anyone who does risks labeling as an alcoholic.

Happy Londoners.

All of which means that you're more likely to play to a room of woozy, happy ears in London than New York. The other main difference is that New York venues tend to supply backline equipment for the use of the band. This is preferred and even insisted on by some venues. New York venues therefore relieve bands of the hardship of transporting drums and amps to a venue [2] by public transport. Rush hour commuters don't appreciate a full drum kit taking up the wheelchair space on London buses, as I've discovered several times.

No room for drums.

This shabby experience is a shame, given that music is such a supposedly big part of our culture. In fact, I would argue that said shabby conditions are practically a necessity in order that Britain continue producing a disproportionate amount of good music. We're not that talented, we're just forced to work harder.

Working harder means singing into the stinkiest, nastiest microphones the world has ever known. There's nothing less conducive to a good time than a properly worn-in SM58 that isn't yours. This goes for rehearsal rooms too, and if you plan on spending any time singing for a hobby/living, you should invest in a sub-$100 microphone. This may (don't hold me to this) prevent many communicable diseases; for who would you trust less than fellow singers, with their blood, sweat, tears, and burps? There's no other option, for microphone condoms do not yet exist.

Once you've decided on your microphone—Shure, Sennheiser, Rode, anything—the in-house engineer will probably have an opinion. I've been told that my microphone was wrong because "Sennheisers don't sound good in this venue." Either he knew something I didn't or he was just weird. In-house engineers vary widely in their commitment and interest levels, which is a great shame for the bands and audiences that suffer. Even worse, they're likely the only ones getting paid to be there. So as soon as you have any money you'll want your own engineer, to avoid any disinterested, outright hostile and sometimes stoned and asleep [3] venue soundmen [4].

On most of the toilet circuit in London—so named euphemistically, but coincidentally the venues do smell septic—PA systems are simply not adequate. Even the best will in the world cannot overcome this, and the sound engineers will frequently exhort the drummer to play quieter. Your writer, being deaf in one ear thanks to a decade of brutal ministrations of a powerhouse drummer, understands their pains perfectly.

But the imperfect nature of venues acoustic treatment and the ramshackle speaker systems means trouble for bands. You shouldn't expect to hear anything while you're playing, and the gentle wash of white noise will live with you for days after like the first snowfall on a virgin December morning. There’s no remedy to this one, unless you’re into the idea of bringing your own PA system. It’s often very hard to sound good at small shows, which is why when you actually see an unknown band that do, their music becomes secondary, so overjoyed are your ears to be hearing pleasant noises.

All of which is to say: please play good music, and do it at good venues. There are good people in the world, good things do happen and good times are coming. Just take your own mic and don’t trust anybody.

Davo is looking into patenting microphone condoms. He'll keep you posted on Twitter - @battery_licker.

[1] Allow me to restrict my field to the two cities I have most experience playing in. So-called regional venues (so-called by flippant inhabitants of major metropolises) may suffer from any, all, or none of my highlighted problem areas. The natural presumption would be that remote venues were less able to cater for musicians, but often the reverse is true: if a venue is the only one in a town the soundperson has more incentive to take pride in their setup .

[2] I've played many gigs where three or four bands each turn up with a drum kit, therefore decreasing the Arctic ice flows and glaciers worldwide with the extra gas consumed.

[3] Birmingham, 2006.

[4] Without intending gender bias, I've yet to meet a lacking female sound engineer—perhaps because it's such a male-dominated field that anyone dedicated enough is damn fine at their job.