People Just Do Nothing: Exclusive Freestyle And Interview, Yeah?

There's not many interviews where I come away SHAKING with nerves, but getting to be in the presence of Sniper, star of People Just Do Nothing, has been the highlight of my journalism career. People Just Do Nothing, which started its humble beginnings as a YouTube series, follows the exploits of the boys behind west London's finest pirate radio station, Kurupt FM. Now, tomorrow night on BBC Three, it's finally getting its TV debut.

So, to whet your appetite, above is an exclusive freestyle from Sniper and Beats, showcasing what they do best: pure, unadulterated lyricism. Then I caught up with Sniper to chat about taking over the world and what knickers I should send him in the post.

Noisey: First question: are you famous yet?

Sniper: I’d say yeah, I mean throughout the whole of west London, we’ve always been famous, d'you know what I mean?

Very true. But are there are a lot more aspiring MCs coming to you for advice now, or was that just the case anyway?

To be fair, everyone that knows I'm an MC would always approach me, asking me how to go about it and you can’t really teach that kind of thing. I mean it just comes naturally y’know?

Right, you’ve got this sort of like God-like status.

That’s exactly right, I’m glad you spotted that. You’re a very clever girl. Yeah, I would say definitely God-like.

Have you had a lot of fan mail? Any sexy fan mail?

Women have always thought that I was pretty good looking, cos I am. I’m not a pretty boy, I’m more that rugged good looking type.

Like Danny Dyer?

Nah, I’d say more Gerard Butler.

Do you get lots of knickers sent to you in the post now then?

Yeah, we’re used to that though, d’you know what I mean? That shit happens on a daily basis. To be fair, I don’t really like muck though, so if it was dirty knickers I wouldn't be having none of that.

So, just standard, clean ones; for my future reference?

Usually people, they just get Primark, I’d probably put in a bit more effort.

What if I sent something a bit more upmarket, La Senza pants?

Yeah, La Senza, stuff like that. That’s proper naughty.

ANYWAY, how’s things going with the show on BBC? It’s pretty exciting.

To be fair, like, people feel pretty lucky that they got us. Obviously we started with the YouTube thing, filming shit and they started uploading our videos. They cottoned on before anyone else, really. Now there’s the BBC producing and I mean, I would say I’m flattered, but I was kind of expecting it to be fair.

I guess, what with you guys being so outrageously talented.

Well, that’s the thing. Obviously, with Kurupt, there’s a whole team of dedicated people that I’ve trained for years, cos obviously when I first met them they were just normal people. But then I’ve sort of taken them under my wing, done the day-to-day with Sniper to get them nearly as good as me. But, y'know, they’re never actually as good as me.

Is it physically possible for anyone to reach your level of talent?

In human or spiritual form? Humanly, nah, never. But the boys gain a lot from being around me.

So in a way, you're like a sensei, a Buddha to these guys if you will.

Buddha, what’s that? That’s skunk innit?

Umm, I mean, how do you teach your pupils?

I told you they’re my soldiers. So I just shout at them all the time, eventually they just do what I say because they can’t be bothered with me shouting at them anymore. That's when they’ll start trying to develop, so they can reach your level. My level, not yours. Mine.

Literally whipping them into shape?

Nah, whipping, that sounds a bit weird. But mentally, yeah, always drain them mentally and they’ll end up agreeing with you, just because they can’t be bothered. That’s what makes me happy.

Do you do that thing, like, when they’re about to fall asleep, you suddenly wake them up to keep them on their toes?

Drills? Yeah exactly. I’ll be like "Right I’m off out you lot, see you later", knowing that they’ll be laying about. Then I’ll give it five minutes and I’ll just kick in the door, run in and start screaming at them. That’s a really good training technique actually, glad you reminded me.

Yeah, I do like to put people under mental strain.

I like that. Maybe you could get you a place in our team actually.

Do you reckon? I was gonna ask, I’d love to get into MCing and be a pirate radio star, but it’s not really a place for women right?

I mean I "respect women". I do, but at the end of the day, women can’t do music, d’you know what I mean?

Umm.

Like, you're all lovely people, don’t get me wrong, but you're good for cooking and that.

This is true.

I mean, some of them can do music, but that’s more Oprah. Nah, not Oprah, opera, d’you know what I mean?

I could come on Kurupt FM if I did some opera?

Nah, we're not really into opera. Saying that though, now we’re on the BBC, we’ve got to act, like, all "politically correct" and that, yeah? So maybe I’ll just get you on as a DJ and be like, yeah, women can do everything. Obviously they can’t, but we'll make everyone think that it’s fine.

Yay! I can be your token woman?

Yeah, yeah. When you post me them knickers and your number as well, we’ll get something going, d’you know what I mean?

Write my number in the knickers?

Yeah, do that, do that…not in your bodily fluids, just find a pen or something.

So, finally, what can we look forward to once the Kurupt FM revolution takes hold?

Well, it's gonna be on TV on Friday, it’s our pilot. That's nothing to do with planes by the way, cos yeah that had me confused, it’s the first episode sort of thing and it’s gonna be a takeover. After that, we're probably gonna have a record label in no time, probably go into film, do my life story, yeah? Kurupt FM is going worldwide, raves everywhere. I bet you lot already know about that, we’ve already smashed fucking Bognor to pieces, we’re gonna have loads of others.

The sky's the limit?

Yeah, then international eventually. Probably Jamaica or something like that. We’ve already got Decoy who knows all the Jamaicans. Well, he is Jamaican, so he’s got all the links obviously, they’re all his cousins out there. But yeah, all I’d like to say is, everyone make sure you keep your fucking eyes, ears and, well no, not your mouth, but those other orifices open, yeah. What’s orifices anyway?

Butt-holes and stuff.

No, take that one out, that’s a bit fruity. Everyone just keep your eyes out for Kurupt FM, the takeover starts now.

You can follow the boys on Twitter @KuruptFM

And remember to catch People Just Do Nothing today at 10pm GMT, on BBC Three.