A Series of Questions Raised by This Photo of Paul McCartney and Dane Cook in a Men's Room

via Facebook or some unholy space portal

You know the old saying. “A picture is worth a thousand words.” Well, how many words is a photo of Dane Cook in a men’s room with his arm around Sir Paul McCartney who stands there, covering his royal jewels worth?

This photo came across my computer screen today and my brain’s reaction was to stare at it. Just stare. No thinking, no anaylizing, just have a good, long stare. It was the same reaction to seeing a Monet or a Rembrandt—before you even begin to analyze, you just take it in. Really just let the reality of the image hit you. Now that I have spent roughly 20 to 90 minutes internalizing it, I have a few questions.

Perhaps some of these questions could be answered by reading the description Dane Cook posted along with the photo on Facebook. But I don’t want his answers. I want my answers. Because again, the photo does the talking. Here’s what I would like to know.

First and foremost, the obvious: Why are Dane Cook and Paul McCartney in a men’s room together?
What orbital fuck-up on the universe’s part led to this unholy meeting of the former Beatle and bromedian? And in a men’s room no less. Yes, everybody poops and all, but if Paul McCartney and Dane Cook are dropping deuces together in the same shitter, there’s something wrong with the order of the universe. Which leads me to my next question.

Is this men’s room on Earth/a parallel universe?
Crazy question? Or question so real that it makes total sense? Think about it.

Why are they talking in the men’s room?
Regardless of their respective fame, the men’s room carries with it an unspoken code that you do not, under any circumstances, engage with another male in a public restroom. No eye contact. Eyes straight ahead at the wall. No talking. One fart and one loogie in the urinal are permitted and that’s it. Why does Cook not only talk but HAVE HIS DISGUSTING TOILET HAND AROUND THE MAN WHO WROTE “HEY JUDE?”

Who took this photo?
As mentioned, chit-chat while poo-poo is a no-no. Not only are the two interacting, but there is a third person—presumably a man—taking a photo. As the inventor of Bro Code, Cook should know better than this flagrant violation.

Who is the man on the left side?
Around your 40th or 50th or 10,000th glance at the photo, you start to notice things, like the hand and corner of an iPhone on the left side. Who is this guy—again, assuming it’s a guy—and where was he raised that he thinks having a phone out in a public bathroom is OK? It is not OK, left side guy. Not at all.

What is Paul McCartney thinking at this moment?
McCartney looks frail and defeated in this photo. He looks as though Cook's Reaper-like touch is draining him of his life. His face conveys a deeper, more profound sadness than he had the day Lennon was shot. His vulnerability combined with Cook’s smug enthusiasm make this the Lennon/Yoko Annie Leibovitz photo of the internet age.

What is Dane Cook thinking at this moment?
I assume—as always—he’s thinking, “How can I get on stage and turn this story into comedic poison?”

Why is Paul covering his dick?
Maybe he’s just standing in his normal photo-taking stance, but given the bathroom setting, it sure looks a lot like he’s covering his dick. Why is he covering his dick? Is his dick out? Did Cook ask to take this photo before McCartney was finished doing his business? Is this an ambush photo? What is wrong with Dane Cook and why is he photo-ambushing our planet's most famous stars?

What is Paul about to say?
Paul's mouth looks like he’s about to say something. Is he telling Cook to stop harassing him in this men’s room? Is he begging for some modicum of dignity? Tell us, Paul! This is a more subtle coded cry for help than the cover of Abbey Road. Beatlemaniacs should start conspiracy theories about this photo and play it backwards for secret messages.

Why is this in black and white?
The person who took this photo—in a men’s room—was about about to post it, and said, “No, let’s give this some artistic value first.” As if this scene didn’t feel enough like an episode of The Twilight Zone, the black and white really drives home the alternate universe scenario of the whole thing.

Dan Ozzi is open to discussion on Twitter - @danozzi