What do we talk about when we talk about Nelly's "Hey Porsche"? The craven trend-hopping a receded pop star will capitulate toward in order to recapture a glimpse of his former power? The power of a scientifically-crafted hook to overwhelm any and all doubts such as, "Wait, is this Nelly?" The apparent law that second, third, maybe fourth comebacks in American music really are possible as long as you stay in shape? (Good news for Aaron Carter and that Horny Level!) The probability of this being some 13-year old in the heartland's first exposure to Nelly, thus driving him to Youtube to discover "Country Grammar" and "Hot in Herre" and "Ride Wit Me" and inspiring just a bit of baby's first snobbery as he tells his pre-pubescent friends, "Nelly's old stuff is so much better"?I don't know. As of March 8, 2013, I don't know what the millions of hits for "Hey Porsche" will translate to—whether the song will chart in any meaningful way (per the new Billboard metrics, will hate clicks eventually get a song to #1?) or whether Nelly will make a relevance resurgence that makes the last half-decade of rap seem like a mirage. I do know that I've had the song on various levels of repetition over the last 48 hours, and that at one point I've had it running in two Youtube windows and Spotify while Gchatting Noisey Assistant Editor Drew Millard, who already lovingly reviewed the song, about its awesomeness.Sadly, the rest of the rap Internet might not agree; as I've discovered, more than a few Nelly fans have taken to the comment sections of his old songs just to talk about how wack "Hey Porsche" is. This makes me kind of sad. But that's a beautifully weird thing about modern culture: how we're instantaneously enabled to remember the good old days by clicking on the good ole days. Nostalgia be damned! Everything is here right now for the experiencing—and here's hoping "Hey Porsche" will join such favored ranks.
Something important to consider: Will the dislike for this song drive sales for Nelly's back catalog? Is it possible that hearing this, people will remember how much they liked "Country Grammar" and be spurned to purchase it on iTunes? Some enterprising statistician needs to check this out. (But not before I can pitch the analysis to Slate.)
I like the idea that "Hey Porsche"-related depression is so serious as to drive a man to spend his Saturday night indoors, drinking and remembering what used to be. Stay strong, Will InspireMusic. The Nelly is your past is just another swig of vodka away.
Perhaps the first time listening to "Grillz" has ever given anyone a really thorough mental scrubbing, but whatever works.
This is certainly true: As of writing this, there are 4,651 dislikes on the "Hey Porsche" video. There are more likes, but what about this song makes people so offended? You wouldn't raise an eye if it came out from Mike Posner or Flo Rida—you might sneer, sure, but the song's Nelly-ness seems to be the operative bummer. Did people really think Nelly wasn't capable of doing something like this? He collaborated with Tim McGraw. The man thinks in abstract ways.
Dear rejezie: Did you consider that because you can't get the song out of your head, there might be something legitimately awesome about it? That its worth lays in its earworminess—that like a termite, it's burrowed deeply into your brain and laid so many Nelly eggs to eventually burst into Nelly bugs and make you think, in the near future, "I've definitely got to hear more Nelly songs"? Accept the singularity of Nelly supremacy, and your protests will be washed away like grillz in the rain.
I'd like to point out that this comment was left on "Stepped On My J'z"—an admittedly great song that, nevertheless, came out in 2009. 2009! I didn't realize these was a Nelly from this period to miss. Though I do recall getting people to try to listen to "Stepped On My J'z" in 2009 without much luck, so maybe I was just missing a kindred spirit.
Thankfully, he'd learn a few days later that it only takes one person—Nelly—to do rap and country at the same damn time. Long live "Hey Porsche," and God bless us, every one.Jeremy Gordon is patiently waiting for Karaoke joints to start carrying "Hey Porsche." Until then, he'll be on Twitter - @jeremypgordon
Advertisement
Advertisement