Get your kit off on screen as a woman, and everyone thinks you’re a hoe. Do the same as a man, and everyone admires your ‘commitedness’ or ‘bravery’ as an actor. It’s bullshit, but hey, if it works for Michael Fassbender and Harry Potter, surely it’ll work for Shia LaBeouf, Disney alumnus and hugely irritating torchbearer of the Indiana Jones franchise? Right guys?
LaBeouf gets his dick out in the video for Sigur Rós’ new single, "Fjögur Píanó". To be fair, he does loads of stuff to convince us that this is a big arty statement: He contemplates a butterfly. He punches a mirror. He does some ballet in his pants. His baleful, watery-gaze and ratty hair-do suggest a man trying hard — too hard, perhaps — to dispel the public’s image of him flirting with Megatron.
Isn’t it time to get to the bottom of this NSFW malarkey once and for all? Is all this gratuitous T&A really in the name of art? Why can’t fannies just mean fannies and dicks just mean dicks?
The Flaming Lips ft Erykah Badu: "The First Time Ever I Saw Your Face"
This cover of a tune made popular by Roberta Flack (and written by pinko folk great Ewan MacColl in 1957) is undeniably awesome. So what any of that has to do with the sight of Nayrok Badu dripping in cornstarch mixture made to look like semen, Lord knows. And while there is a kind of mystical eroticism at play in the original, there have to be subtler ways of teasing out the song’s love-as-fire-of-creation motifs than by slopping Ms Badu in enough jism to suggest a second cumming. And a third, fourth and so on.
But is it art? Er dunno. It’s bad art, perhaps.
Yeasayer: "Ambling Alp"
OK, great song, but this utterly meaningless accretion of trippy images is damn-near archetypal in its uninspired plundering of a modest budget, only with an unconvincing 2k10 twist thanks to some hippy kids running about in the buff. Why are these people all naked? Oh, no reason! The Holy Mountain this ain’t.
But is it art? Is it chuff. The faces on psychedelic worm-stalks are quite good, though.
Girls: "Lust For Life"
Christopher Owens’ wacked-out California troupe tick a lot of very annoying boxes in this notorious promo clip: topless girl in American Apparel tights, nostalgia for disappearing childhood (check the Michael Jackson ‘DEAD’ headline at 0.48), general air of hipstamatic wankery. But then, whoops, directors Aaron Brown and Ben Chappell drop that image of some dude singing into his boyfriend’s stiffy and somehow, the whole enterprise becomes suddenly endearing. Well, that and the fact that "Lust For Life" is an anthem for the ages, as sweetly unaffected as they come.
But is it art? Depends. If one of art’s prescribed functions is to make you go ‘d’awwww-isn’t-it-adorable?’ at the sight of a man’s erection, then sure, why not?
Topless girls cavorting with sparklers! Topless girls in gold bodypaint listening to ghetto-blasters! Topless girls in high-waisted denim cut-offs brandishing Kalashnikovs! Hell, if this isn’t art we don’t want to know what is. I don't speak Spanish, so I have no idea if Pablo Díaz-Reixa’s boobalicious video in any way reflects the lyrical contents of this fine song. It's all a bit Carry On Luis Buñuel, and that’s essentially great.
Matt & Kim: "Lessons Learned"
The NY-based duo told cops they were shooting a mayonnaise commercial while striding around a freezing Times Square in their birthday suits for this NSFW classic. The lesson being that if you want to get away with being totally naked in the middle of NYC, you just have to say you're doing so in the name of condiments. Americans love condiments. They spread it on sandwiches, salads, pizza, even their dead.
But is it art? No, it’s a naked hairy man and his partner scaring the kids on holiday.
CONCLUSION: None of it's art, it's just dicks. And what's wrong with that?
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Ace of Base's Secret Nazi Past
Before he founded Ace of Base, Ulf Ekberg was a member of Commit Suiside, a Nazi punk band.
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Parquet Courts - "Light Up Gold Road Trip" (Full Documentary)
In this new documentary, Noisey follows rising indie rockers Parquet Courts from Mexico to Texas and London as they tour to support their debut LP, 'Light Up Gold.'
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Yung Lean Doer Is the Weirdest 16-Year-Old White Swedish Rapper You'll Hear This Week
Yung Lean raps over pillow-fluffy beats and raps about glory holes and Arizona Iced Tea. Who the fuck is this kid? And why is he like this?
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Adam Ant - The British Masters, Chapter 6
Noisey's John Doran talks with the great post-punk pop star Adam Ant about tribal body mods and layering tape.
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Photos: Taking Acid at Coachella
When Paley sent these photos in, she included a nice little caveat over email that we've decided to reprint here in full, not only because it's too good to edit, but because her photographs of her and her weird buddies riding the snake are some of the best
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R.I.P. Storm Thorgerson (1944-2013)
On Thursday, the hyper-talented graphic designer, artist, and famed album cover creator Storm Thorgerson passed away after a battle with cancer. He was 69 years old.
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The Internet Is Scary
As of six months ago, my Facebook fanpage is like a dojo where hormonal teenagers hone their technique. Here is a heartfelt poem from some kid who wants to rape, kill, and marry me.
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I Accidentally Touched Little Richard's Butt One Time
It was in the Detroit airport. After it happened Little Richard said, "He graze my derriere."
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Listen to St. Lucia's Remix of The Colourist's "Little Games"
Last month, Cali quartet the Colourist released "Little Games," and St. Lucia just pulled a warm Balearic blanket over the whole thing, sanding away its rough edges with bright synths and lightly gated percussion.
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Aaron Montaigne, Godfather of Screamo, is More Interesting Than You Can Ever Hope to Be - Part Two
On surviving combat in Iraq and Afghanistan with the help of magic, 'Bladerunner,' and everything in between.
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