Reviews

Miley Cyrus's 'Bangerz' - The Kid Mero Review

CAPS LOCK REVIEWS

By The Kid Mero

0

THIS IS HANNAH MONTANA B. WHAT A FUCKIN TRANSFORMATION B. I NEVER SEEN OR HEARD A SINGLE SECOND OF HANNAH MONTANA BUT I SEEN OTHER DISNEY SITCOMS AND I CAN EASILY SAY THEY ARE NOT POPPING AT ALL AND ARE IN FACT TREMENDOUSLY CORNY. SO LOGICALLY MILEY IS TREMENDOUSLY CORNY RIGHT?

NOT SO FAST MY NIGGA I'M PREPARED TO HATE THIS SHIT BUT LIKE I SAID COUNTLESS TIMES BEFORE I'M A SERIOUS JOURNALIST AND APPROACH ALL MY ASSIGNMENTS WITH SWAGTEGRITY (SWAG AND ALSO INTEGRITY).

SO IF THIS SHIT IS GOOD IMA TELL YOU IT'S GOOD AND IF IT'S ASS IMA TELL YOU IT'S ASS. EVEN IF I'M APPALLED BY MILEYS FEEBLE ATTEMPTS AT TWERKING HER THIN SLICED CHICKEN CUTLET ASSCHEEKS. BUT YOU GONNA COME TO YOUR OWN CONCLUSION REGARDLESS BECAUSE MUSIC REVIEWS ARE BULLSHIT UNLESS YOU ARE ME. NAHMEAN? IF YOU'RE ME THEN YOU CARE WHAT I THINK ABOUT THIS SHIT CUZ YOU'RE ME AND I'M YOU. *INCEPTION MUSIC*

MILEY IS GETTIN PIPED BY MIKE WILL (MADE IT…I FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE TYPIN THAT) I'M ONLY SAYING THAT HERE BECAUSE I FINISHED WRITING THIS AND I WAS LIKE OH SHIT MY "MIKE WILL MATED" JOKE!! THEN I CAME BACK AND TUCKED IT IN HERE. YOU'RE WELCOME. "MIKE WILL MATED" *ROBOT LADY WARPED VOICE*

ADORE YOU
THIS IS NOT BAD. BUT MAYBE ITS NOT BAD BECAUSE IT'S A FUCKIN RIHANNA SONG? DOG THIS IS A RIHANNA SONG. THE "YOO HOOHOO HOOOO" MAKES ME THINK TERIUS DA GAWD WROTE THIS. I DON'T HAVE LINER NOTES NIGGA SORRY. I DOWNLOADED THIS SHIT FROM SOME WEBSITE THATS PROLLY HOSTED IN SIBERIA AND IS RUN BY A NIGGA THAT ONLY SPEAKS AFRIKAANS. THIS BEAT KNOCKS BUT THIS SONG IS STUPID BECAUSE IT'S WAY TOO BASIC TO BE 4 AND A HALF MINUTES LONG B

WE CAN'T STOP
THIS SONG IS STRAIGHT TRASH B. THERE'S SO MANY THINGS THAT ARE UNFAVORABLE THAT I WOULD RATHER LISTEN TO THAN THIS SHIT. I WOULD LITERALLY RATHER LISTEN TO FRENCH MONTANA READ THE BURGER KING BREAKFAST MENU OVER THE SOUNDS OF ORPHANS CRYING THAN LISTEN TO THIS SONG B. MIKE WILL REALLY JUICED THIS BITCH UP. YOU CAN'T SAY SHIT LIKE "WE ALL SO TURNT UP YEAH" IN A COUNTRY WARBLE TWANG B. SHORTY STILL GOT THE COUNTRY WARBLE TWANG!!…BUT SHE SAYING HOOD STATEMENTS LIKE "WE BOUT THAT LIFE" CMON MA GIMME A BREAK AND LISTEN TO ALOT OF FUCKING T.I. TO GET THE PROPER ACCENT DOWN.

SMS (BANGERZ)
OH HEY UFFIE HOW ARE YOU HOW HAVE YOU BEEN? OH THIS ISN'T UFFIE? YO THIS IS PRETTY TERRIBLE B. THIS BITCH IS WAY TOO WHITE TO PULL THIS OFF. BRITNEY SPEARS MIGHT BE ABLE TO PULL THIS OFF, THAT'S A LARGE MAYBE A VENTI LATTE MAYBE DOGGIE. BUT MILEY? NAH MY NIGGA THIS SOUNDS LIKE YOURE KIDDING. "FUCKIN BANGERZ" THE CAUCASITY WITH WHICH SHE DELIVERS THAT LINE IS FUCKIN ASTOUNDING B.

4X4
IS THIS FUCKING COUNTRY? DRIVING SO FAST BOUT TO PISS ON MYSELF. THIS BITCH SAID "DRIVING SO FAST BOUT TO PISS ON MYSELF" MY PALS. I'M BOUT TO CALL MY EDITOR AND SEE IF I HAVE TO ACTUALLY FINISH LISTENING TO THIS CUZ THIS IS FUCKIN RIDICULOUS RIGHT NOW. WHO IS THE TARGET DEMO FOR THIS SONG B? SINGLE COUNTRY MOMS THAT WANNA—HOLY SHIT!! IS THAT NELLY?!?! OH MY FUCKING GOD GET THIS SHIT THE FUCK OUTTA HERE *VICIOUSLY KARATE CHOPS COFFEE TABLE AND MACBOOK IN HALF*…YO NELLY GOT A SONG CALLED "CIROC AND GATORADE" OR SOME SHIT OUT. WHICH JUST TELLS YOU THE LEVEL OF DESPERATION THAT NIGGA IS AT. IM NOT A HATER THOUGH SO GET THOSE CHECKS CORNELL.

MY DARLIN
IS THIS FUTURE? I HOPE THIS ISN'T FUTURE. MAN I WANTED TO FIND ONE REDEEMING TRACK ON THIS ALBUM B CUZ CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF I DON'T JUST ENJOY SHITTING ON NIGGAS MUSICAL ENDEAVORS. YO MILEY YOU ARE FUCKING RICH YOU DON'T NEED TO DO THIS AT ALL MA. CMON…I FEEL LIKE IM TRYNA TALK A HOOKER OUT OF HER LIFE OF SEXUAL DEVIANCE AND SQUALOR B. I BET YOU BILLY RAY IS BEHIND THIS MY NIGGA. EITHER THAT OR MIKE WILL DICKMATIZED THIS BITCH AND IS PLAYING A HUGE JOKE ON ALL OF US. MIKE CMON MY NIGGA I KNOW YOU MILKIN THIS COW BUT CAN'T YOU JUST DO JOINTS WITH FRENCH AND JUICY J AND JUST HAVE MILEY DO ADLIBS? CUZ THIS IS A GROSS MISUSE OF FUTURE'S TALENTS B.

WRECKING BALL
*BLOWS HUGE LINE OF MOLLY UP HIS NASAL* I ACTUALLY NEVER HEARD THIS EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE IS TALKIN ABOUT IT. IDK WHY I OPENED UP WITH THAT MOLLY LINE? OH I DID BECAUSE I THOUGHT THIS WAS GONNA BE SOME AVICII NORWEGIAN HOUSE MUSIC FUCKBOY SHIT BUT INSTEAD ITS A POWER BALLAD. POWER BALLADS FUCKING SUCK B!! WOW THIS SUCKS MY PAL. DID SHE SAY "YOU RAPED ME?!" WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS BITCH ON? SHE OVER HERE LETTING TERRY RICHARDSON PHOTOGRAPH HER VULVA WITH A FISHEYE LENS AND PUTTING OUT NUDE POWER BALLADS WHATEVER THIS BITCH IS ON LEMME GET SOME SO I CAN CUT IT 4 TIMES THEN DISTRIBUTE TO THE PUBLIC. OH SHE SAID "YOU WRECKED ME" NEVERMIND. THIS BITCH IS STILL ON ONE BUT ITS NOT THAT BAD.

LOVE MONEY PARTY
WHAT IS THIS FUCKING GOOFY HAUNTED HOUSE MUSIC? DID MIKE WILL PURPOSELY MAKE BABY PUSSY CLOWN CARNIVAL FUCKBOY SONIC BACKDROPS FOR THIS BITCH? ALL THESE BEATS ARE FUCKIN TERRIBLE B. IF THIS BITCH WAS GONNA GET ON SOME NEXT SHIT SHE SHOULD JUST WENT ALL THE WAY AND DID "BANDS A MAKE HER DANCE" TYPE JOINTS FOR THE WHOLE ALBUM. OH GOD HERE COMES BIG SEAN. BRUH WHAT HAPPENED TO SEAN? HE KINDA KILLED LEMONADE AND DECIDED TO SLEEPWALK THROUGH EVERY OTHER VERSE FROM THAT MOMENT FORTH AND HE DON'T EVEN DO CLEVER SHIT LIKE 2CHAINZ GIVENCHY/SNEEZE LINE. SMH THIS IS AWFUL MUSIC RIGHT NOW B.

#GETITRIGHT
THIS SHIT IS A HASHTAG B. I NORMALLY JUST SAY THAT WHENEVER I AM ASKED TO REVIEW A SONG WITH A HASHTAG TITLE. YOU COULDN'T CALL THIS SHIT "GET IT RIGHT"??? YOU FUCKIN INSOLENT LITTLE BITCH?? HUH?? ARE YOU SINGING ABOUT TWITTER? NO YOU FUCKIN DICKHEAD YOU'RE SINGING ABOUT LAYING AROUND AND BLOWING MIKE WILL YOU CORNBALL. THERE'S NO NEED FOR THE FUCKIN ANCILLARY ASS POUND SIGN MA. I FUCKIN HATE THIS. I GOTTA TAKE A BREAK BRB.

YO THIS BILLS BROWNS GAME ACTUALLY PRETTY GOOD. BILLS SECONDARY IS ALL FUCKED UP POOR GUYS, NIGGAS GOT BRANDON WEEDEN LOOKIN LIKE TOM BRADY.

DRIVE
THIS IS NOT SO TERRIBLE IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING EMINEM WOULD SING A MOTIVATIONAL "I CAME UP" SONG TO. WHICH MEANS IT FUCKIN SUCKS. I KNOW THAT AINT MAKE NO SENSE YOU KNOW HOW MUCH ALCOHOL I'VE INGESTED AT THIS POINT IN THIS SONIC ASSAULT?

FU
IS THIS A MUSICAL? WHERE WAS SHE WHEN THIS WAS RECORDED B? A PLAYHOUSE IN A BARN? IT SOUND LIKE IT. AND ALSO ARE YOU FUCKIN KIDDING ME WITH THIS FUCKIN RAGTIME DUBSTEP SHOWTUNES SHIT? LOL FRENCH CAME ON THIS SHIT LIKE HAAAANH AND IF IM NOT MISTAKEN DID A SCATMAN TYPE SHIT AT THE END. THAT NIGGA IS VERY TALENTED B.

DO MY THANG
DID SHORTY BITE JODECI AT THE BEGINNING? MAN THIS IS GONNA BE ON EVERY DANCE STATION SO FUCKIN HARD I HOPE YOU NIGGAS ARE READY TO HEAR THIS EVERY 15 MINUTES YO HOLDUP I JUST STARTED ENJOYING THIS…THIS IS NOT A BAD SONG LYRICALLY ITS KINDA CORNY AND WHEN SHE TRIES TO DO HER BEST JUICY J IMPRESSION. "WEEDOAN GIVVEFEHK" LOLOLOL YO I PROMISE YOU SOMEBODY IS GONNA BE IN THE CLUB CHUGGIN MOLLY WATER AND IS GONNA PEAK SO HARD PAUSE TO THE "EVERY SINGLE NIGHT AND EVERY SINGLE DAY" PORTION OF THIS SHIT. THEN THE BEAT DROPS SHEESH THIS IS ACTUALLY A BANGER. FIRST BANGER ON BANGERZ LOL HAHA LOL

MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT
BRUH TOO MUCH OF THIS FUCKIN ALBUM SOUNDS LIKE A SHANIA TWAIN CREED JUICY J LINKIN PARK SKRILLEX ALBUM B. DID MILEY FIX HER TEETH? NO SHOTS IT SOUNDS LIKE HER TEETH ARE MAKIN NOISE. THIS IS GONNA BE ON HEAVY FUCKING ROTATION ON YOUR NANA'S LITE MUSIC STATION B. IF YOU GO TO BUY PRODUCE OR GET A TOOTH PULLED YOU WILL HEAR THIS SHIT RIGHT HERE B. UNLESS YOU GO TO THE KEY FOOD ON 176 CUZ THEN YOU'LL HEAR BACHATA & SHIT. THIS SUCKS MY PALS.

SOMEONE ELSE
THIS KINDA GOES. THIS IS MOLLY WATER MUSIC TO THE FULLEST THANK GOD NIGGAS KEPT THE DUBSTEP TO A MINIMUM ON THIS SHIT THO. LABEL EXECS INEXPLICABLY MAKING NIGGAS DO DUBSTEP COLLABS IS CRAZY TO ME. WHO LIKES DUBSTEP? NIGGAS IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL? AM I BUGGIN? NEVER SEEN A #NP DUB STEP NIGGA - "WEEEWOBWOB WOB WOBWOB" ON TWITTER THATS WORD TO JERUSALEM.

ROOTING FOR MY BABY
OHHHH SHITTTT TELLY MUSIC! THIS IS PROLIFIC BJ IN THE TELLY MUSIC. BRUH IDK WHAT IT IS ABOUT TELLYS THAT MAKES GETTING A BJ SEEM WILD LUXURIOUS AND BOSSED UP WHEN YOU WITHIN THE CONFINES OF A SUITE. YO SPEAKING OF SUITE, THOSE TWO LITTLE WHITE NIGGAS THAT HAD A SHOW ON THE DISNEY CHANNEL, ARE THEY RICH? IF I WROTE JOKES FOR MY KID WILL HE BECOME A CASH COW? OH SHIT LEMME WRITE ALL THIS DOWN. THIS IS REALLY SMOOTH B THANK GOD THERES NO WEIRD SWITCHUP INTO SOME OBNOXIOUS SHIT. RT IF YOU CAUGHT MILEY DOIN THE MICHAEL STIPE VOICE QUIVER FX AT THE END.

ON MY OWN
YO TO EXPOUND ON MY PREVIOUS STATEMENT ABOUT TELLY MUSIC, I SHOULD START A MIXTAPE FRANCHISE CALLED 'TELLY MUSIC' FOR MEN AND WOMEN ALIKE TO DOWNLOAD AND PLAY IN THE TELLY. THIS IS SOME PHARREL NO DOUBT SHIT. THIS IS A NO DOUBT SONG THAT PHARELL WORKED ON. IS THIS ALBUM DERIVATIVE? LEMME LOOK UP DERIVATIVE FIRST THEN TELL YOU…IMITATIVE OF THE WORK OF ANOTHER PERSON. YES THIS SHIT IS DERIVATIVE B. BUT THERES SOME JOINTS ON HERE, THIS SONG AINT THAT BAD

HANDS IN THE AIR
THIS IS ANOTHER SONG YOU GONNA HEAR RIGHT NEXT TO RIHANNA ON MOLLY ITALIAN GIRL MUSIC ON YA FM DIAL. THIS IS GONNA DO FUCKIN NUMBERS. THERES LIKE 3 BANGIN SINGLES ON THIS SHIT AND THATS REALLY ALL YOU NEED TO POP OFF IN 2013 WITH A PLATINUM ALBUM. YO YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT GAVE MILEY THE OPPORTUNITY TO EXPERIMENT WITH OTHER SHIT THAT WAS STRAIGHT BASURINGTON BUT AT LEAST SHE WAS ABLE TO TRY TO MIX IT UP. LUDACRIS IS ON THIS SHIT ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? WHO IS THIS GUY FUCKING? HE GETS THE GUEST RAPPER NIGGA SPOT ON EVERY FUCKIN QUADRUPLE DIAMOND MEGASTAR TWEEN SINGERS RADIO SINGLE. NIGGA IS FUCKIN EATING AND DOING A SONG A YEAR. WHAT A JERK.

YO I DRANK LIKE 9 BEERS VERY QUICKLY OVER THE COURSE OF THIS REVIEW SO MAYBE THAT'S WHY I ENJOYED A COUPLE JOINTS ON HERE BUT WHATEVER, COUPLE OF THESE SONGS ARE OK MOST OF THEM SUCK. MILEY CYRUS IS WILD CORNY IT'S INCREDIBLE B. ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE. I HATE COUNTRY MUSIC. A LOT. SHIT JUST SOUNDS RACIST AND MILEY DIPPED HER TOES IN COUNTRY ON SOME OF THESE SHITS I WAS NOT FEELIN IT AT ALL. I GIVE THIS SHIT 2.709 PILES OF PILES DUTCH GUTS OUTTA 5 THIS SHIT LOST POINTS FOR BEING WACK AND GAINED POINTS FOR BEING OCCASIONALLY NOT WACK. IS THIS LIME-A-RITA SHIT THE NEW 4LOKO? YOU KNOW WHAT IM TALKIN ABOUT? NO? NEVERMIND. YO GO ON MY TWITTER AND BUY MY KIDS A CHRISTMAS / HANUKAH PRESENT. #KNOWLEDGE

 

The Kid Mero dispenses #KNOWLEDGE on Twitter - @THEKIDMERO

-----

For more Mero, check his reviews of Drake, French Montana, and Kid Rock.

Comments

Let's Be Friends