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Martha Stewart Is Punker Than You, You Dweebs

Martha Stewart has some tips on how to throw a punk rock party and they are delightful.

The internet is filled, all the way to the top, with awful monsters who use the comment sections of perfectly good websites to try to literally ruin the world and crush people’s dreams. Take the Martha Stewart website, for example. The Martha Stewart website is the website of famous ex-convict Martha Stewart, who has apparently re-integrated herself into society and is working a steady job that involves cooking?

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An assuredly very nice lady named Alexandra Churchill, who says she has “a soft spot for tiny terrariums, rose water recipes, and antique bottles,” wrote an article for the Martha Stewart website earlier this month entitled “Rock On! How To Throw A Punk-Rock Inspired Party” for small children. Not only was the article a delight to read, but it comes from a true authority on punk rock, Martha Stewart, who has done more time in the federal penitentiary than either you or I and once slayed a 40oz of Olde English on Conan O’Brien’s late night television program, which might be illegal or something.

Churchill’s article was steeped in punk culture. It mentioned all the punk things! Like The Ramones and Blondie and mohawks and, uh, garlands. It also suggested that parents prepare “a full on ‘nosh-pit’” for the kiddos, which is actually brilliant and something your author would be very into, a nosh-pit. It was a great article! Then you dweebs had to try to ruin it…

You people! Did you ever consider, instead of typing anything onto a computer keyboard, jabbing your own eyes out with pencils?

Yeah, well, “wickerman,” life is just disappointing sometimes but that doesn’t mean you have to call Martha Stewart, who would wreck you if you crossed her and do 50 years standing on her head without blinking, a poseur. But also thank you for “Jello Biafra Jigglers,” I love you.

Oh yeah, we get what you’re doing there, ha ha, very funny, as if getting teargassed at a G8 protest by riot cops is something to laugh about! But no, the bouncers should also confiscate all of the kids’ binkies and blankets when they get through the door and then offer to give them back for 20 bucks a pop.

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These are all really weird suggestions. You people are weirdos. But also people still talk about GG Allin and like know who he is, huh?

That’s what we’re talking about, Lorilorib. Thank you. Because look: who cares, right? Punk has been dead so long worms couldn’t make a meal of it! At this point, it’s all just commodity, a thing to be celebrated or mocked or whatever at childrens’ parties. Martha Stewart and her website can show us how.

Ron Knox pales in punk cred in comparison to Martha Stewart. Follow him on Twitter - @RonMKnoxDC