Madonna always saves her best videos for the third single from each album. Everyone knows that. Just look at her last album - the third single from that was probably a bit dancey, and the video might have had her dicking about in a fucking nappy or something. OK, OK, I didn't see it. Get off my back.
Anyway, Madonna’s video for the third single from her new album, "Turn Up The Radio", is out, and it’s pretty much a shot-for-shot remake of Driving Miss Daisy*. Look...
The video starts with Madonna being hassled by the paparazzi in her car, which is exactly how Driving Miss Daisy began. This intrusion is obviously too much for Madonna to bear, because if there’s one thing Madonna hates, it’s attention.
But look! She’s saved! Saved by Morgan Freeman! Or, you know, the nearest thing to Morgan Freeman that Madonna could find at the Vacant-Looking H&M Model Shop. Again, just like Driving Miss Daisy. Now, all Madonna needs to do to avoid the paparazzi is to just lie low.
Or, you know, stop the car and talk to a contortionist in front of a massive load of people. No wonder Morgan Freeman looks so concerned. Actually, I’m not sure if this scene was even in Driving Miss Daisy.
This one definitely was, though. You remember. The bit in Driving Miss Daisy where Jessica Tandy dug out the most ridiculous bra she could find, sat up on the back of her seat, made some vaguely embarrassing hand gestures and hoped that Morgan Freeman would suddenly brake so that she’d shoot forward and envelop his skull in her colossal vagina. Remember that bit? In Driving Miss Daisy? Remember?
And remember this bit, where Jessica Tandy made Morgan Freeman stop for gas, and then started molesting the attendant and trying to lick his jaw and whispering about her labia while he struggled to get away? It was definitely in Driving Miss Daisy.
So was this bit, where she pushed her face right up close to Morgan Freeman and just made a load of different animal noises while pawing at herself in a way that managed to be both suggestible and utterly depressing.
And, of course, who could forget the scene where they stop off to have a chat with Pete Burns, The Ghost Of Amy Winehouse and their topless, shisha-smoking, leopard-print pimp?
Incidentally, for a song called "Turn Up The Radio", this video hasn’t got many radios in it. Maybe there was a mix-up. Maybe this isn’t the video for "Turn Up The Radio" at all. Maybe this is the video for Madonna’s next single, "I’ve Got A Carful Of Cunts".
*Probably. I haven’t actually seen Driving Miss Daisy. But it is an inappropriate film about an old woman in a car.
Follow Stuart on Twitter @stuheritage
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