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Macklemore & Ryan Lewis' 'The Heist' is Incredibly Wacklemore

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By The Kid Mero

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Play along by streaming The Heist on Spotify!

YO I JUST SAID "AWW NAAAWWWW MANNNN" WITH THE SAME VOICE/EMOTION THAT MARTIN USED TO SAY "DAAAAAMN GINAAAAA" WITH.

YOU LIKE DAVID BOWIE MEETS KANYE? VICE WON'T LET ME MAKE "GAY JOKES" SO JUST IMAGINE THE JOKE I PUT HERE. IT'S REALLY GOOD.

WOW THIS NIGGA OPENS THIS ALBUM WITH A FUCKING UPLIFTING SOMBER PIANO..."LISTEN TO ME RAP" (THE GENRE)...NO MATTER WHAT EMINEM TELLS YOU, "UPLIFTING SOMBER PIANO" SONGS FUCKIN SUCK B. THEY SUCK THE WORST EVER OF ANYTHING FAM. NAHMEAN THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO THIS SHIT B. YOU FEEL ME? LIKE FOR EXAMPLE I WAS JUST LISTENING TO COKE WAVE 2 AND I WAS BEING WAVY. THERE IS NO ACTIVITY YOU CAN DO WITH SOMBER PIANO AS YOUR BACKGROUND MUSIC EXCEPT WRITE RHYMES ANGRILY WITH A HOODIE ON WHILE YOU RIDE THE BUS. OR MAYBE TAKE YOUR CAT TO GET HER OVARIES REMOVED.

SECOND SONG ON HERE IS THE SHIT THEY PLAY IN WNBA COMMERCIALS. THIS DUDE IS OBNOXIOUS AS FUCK I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I INTERUPTED MY "BEST OF MOBB DEEP" PLAYLIST TO LISTEN TO THIS SHIT. ALL THESE BEATS SOUND LIKE THEY WERE MADE ON ELECTRONIC GARBAGE CANS B. THIS IS NICK JR. RAP MY NIGGA. IF YOU ARE SEVEN YEARS OLD AND YOUR PARENTS WON'T LET YOU LISTEN TO A$AP ROCKY, THEY WILL BUY YOU THIS FOR HANNUKAH AND BE LIKE "IT'S HIPS HOP RAP! YOU LOVE THAT RIGHT?" ALSO IF YOU ARE SEVEN WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU READING THIS NIGGA THIS IS WHAT MY MANAGERIAL STAFF REFERS TO AS "HARD R" MATERIAL B. GO WATCH "LITTLE EINSTEINS" NIGGA AND LEARN YOU SOME.

ANYWAY THIS PIECE OF WEED BREAKING UP SURFACE GARBAGE IS 50% SOMBER PIANO 25% "STOMP AND CLAP" RAP (SHOUTOUT TO AYRES FOR THE TERM) AND 25% STRAIGHT FUCKING BULLSHIT. WOW THIS SHIT SUCKS B. THIS NIGGA MADE A WHOLE SONG LIKE "SHOUTOUT TO GAY PEOPLE I'M HERE FOR YOU" NIGGA GET THE FUCK OUTTA HERE EVEN GAY DUDES ARE LIKE "YO YOU ARE FUCKING CORNY *SNAP SNAP SASHAY AWAY*" I HATE MUSIC THAT'S SUPPOSED TO BE UPLIFTING BECAUSE 197% OF THE TIME ITS WILD CORNY!! YOU KNOW WHO MAKES GREAT UPLIFTING MUSIC THAT'S NOT CORNY? BEANIE SIGEL. GO LISTEN TO "WHAT YA LIFE LIKE" IT'S VERY UPLIFTING...JUST KIDDING THAT SHIT IS ALL ABOUT BEING IN JAIL SHIT IS EXTREMELY DEPRESSING HERE'S AN EXCERPT:

"WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT 23 & One? LOCKED DOWN ALL DAY UNDERGROUND, NEVER SEEING THE SUN, VISITS STRIPPED FROM YOU, NEVER SEEING YOUR SON"

VERY DEPRESSING B. VERY MOVING MUSICAL SOUNDSCAPES FROM MACK MITTENS B. HE BRUSHED HIS TEETH SAME WATER HE PISS.

YO ANYWAY BACK TO THIS AUDIO WHIPPED BUTTERCREAM. "THRIFT SHOP" IS THIS GUY'S SINGLE AND WHEN I HEARD IT I IMMEJUTLY SAID TO MYSELF "YO TURN THIS SHIT OFF" AND I DID. THAT'S MY MACKLEMORE STORY. ALSO WHAT IS A MACKLEMORE? THAT SHIT SOUNDS LIKE A SPECIES OF TROUT WHO NATURAL HABITAT IS THE MALL OF AMERICA. GET THIS GUY THE WHOLE ENTIRE FUCK OUTTA HERE B. I DON'T EVEN WANNA GOOGLE A PICTURE OF DUDE CUZ IT WILL INFURIATE ME CAUSING ME TO GIVE MY KIDS POWPOW UNNECESSARILY.

I GIVE THIS SHIT -2 PILES OF DUTCH GUTS OUTTA 5. THIS NIGGA OWES ME DUTCH GUTS. I SHOULD GET PAID $5000 FOR HAVING TO LISTEN TO THIS NIGGA SO PASS SOME OF THOSE "ITUNES CHECKS" WACKLEMORE.

STANDOUT TRACK: I JUST TURNED THIS SHIT OFF AND STARTED LISTENING TO AUTECHRE.

JUST KIDDING AUTECHRE FUCKIN SUCKS I'M LISTENING TO FRENCH MONTANA & MAX B (DUH).

 

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