Earlier this week, Lou Reed reviewed Kanye West’s Yeezus and it was about the greatest damn thing ever. Despite being a 71 year-old curmudgeon who by all logic would have no idea who the fuck West was, Lou Reed offered a long, nuanced, and incredibly well-informed take on one of the most talked-about albums of the year. Hell, I’d even venture to say that Lou Reed’s review of Yeezus is the most definitive one I’ve read so far. Still, the fact that Lou Reed was absolutely correct about Yeezus might be funnier if he’d been totally wrong about the record. So I called Lou Reed up and asked him what he thought about a bunch of other stuff.
LOU REED REVIEWS A CRONUT
People say cronuts are minimal. And yeah, they’re minimal. But the parts are maximal. There’s a lot going on there: milk, yeast, flour, butter, all proportionally matched—towards the end of the process it gets deep-fried, there’s now twice as much fat and other stuff that will give you diabetes. But Dominique Ansel stays unmoved while the mountain of unhealthiness grows around him. Such an enormous amount of work went into making this cronut. Each cronut is like making a movie.
LOU REED REVIEWS A KITTEN
A kitten is a child of a boy cat and a girl cat. And it knows about all kinds of ways to look cute. It really has a really wide range of things to play with. There are moments of supreme beauty and greatness that come with pet ownership, and then some of it is picking up catshit.
LOU REED REVIEWS A FLESHLIGHT
It’s fascinating—it’s very poignant, but there’s nothing warm about it, physically—it’s really electronic, and after a while, my penis and the fleshlight are virtually the same. But I don’t think that’s a statement about anything—it’s just something that some guy felt, then he made it so you could feel it too.
LOU REED REVIEWS THE INTERNET
Many websites seem like the same old b.s. Maybe because so many of them seem made up at the last minute. But it's the energy behind the internet, there’s aggression. Usually the parts of the internet I like are funny, and there are very funny things here. Although if you think that getting head from nuns and eating Asian pussy with sweet and sour sauce is funny, and it might be, to a 14-year-old—but that’s just Reddit. Then there's the obligatory endless blowjobs and threesomes.
LOU REED REVIEWS @SEINFELD2000’S REVIEW OF LOU REED’S REVIEW OF ‘YEEZUS’
Why he starts the review off with that typical “Oh hey, what if Seinfeld hadn’t been canceled in 1998 due to low ratings and was still on TV” conceit is beyond me, but what a conceit it is, all intentionally misspelled and photoshopped. I can’t figure out why he would do that. It’s like farting. It’s another dare—I dare you to understand this. Very perverse.
Lou Reed didn’t write any of this, Drew Millard wrote all of it. He’s on Twitter - @drewmillard
2013: The Year Nelly Was Everywhere and Nowhere at the Same Time
No other artist spent as much time so close to the Zeitgeist as Nelly this year without being even remotely close to being the Zeitgeist.
You Don’t Like Childish Gambino's 'Because the Internet' Because of the Internet
Don't allow the narrative surrounding Donald Glover's musical career define the way you think.
The Real Difference Between a Mixtape and an Album
Why do rappers still about sales when they could release a mixtape, gain exposure, and cash in later?
Are the Grammys Irrelevant or Did Yeezus Actually Suck?
Breaking down Yeezy's obsession with the awards.
2013: A Year In Which Some Music Happened
A year’s art starts on Day One of the new year. If we don’t quantify it somehow by December, who are we as a people and what is our worth?
If R. Kelly Makes Us So Uncomfortable, Why Do We Keep Listening?
This is art we're talking about, and it's as real as you allow it to be.
Britney Spears: Capitalism's Last Stand
At last, the Queen has found her domain.
The Real Rick Ross Stands Up
We met with the ex-crack kingpin, who told us stories from his drug dealing days and gave us an exclusive excerpt from his upcoming autobiography.
Sorry, Dudes. The Ladies Won Punk This Year.
These are the women who kicked a particularly large amount of ass in 2013.
2013: The Most OK Year Ever
Kitty Pryde reflects on her sort of shitty, sort of amazing 2013.