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Lou Reed Reviews Things Other Than 'Yeezus'

Fan Fiction

By Drew Millard

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Earlier this week, Lou Reed reviewed Kanye West’s Yeezus and it was about the greatest damn thing ever. Despite being a 71 year-old curmudgeon who by all logic would have no idea who the fuck West was, Lou Reed offered a long, nuanced, and incredibly well-informed take on one of the most talked-about albums of the year. Hell, I’d even venture to say that Lou Reed’s review of Yeezus is the most definitive one I’ve read so far. Still, the fact that Lou Reed was absolutely correct about Yeezus might be funnier if he’d been totally wrong about the record. So I called Lou Reed up and asked him what he thought about a bunch of other stuff.

 

LOU REED REVIEWS A CRONUT

People say cronuts are minimal. And yeah, they’re minimal. But the parts are maximal. There’s a lot going on there: milk, yeast, flour, butter, all proportionally matched—towards the end of the process it gets deep-fried, there’s now twice as much fat and other stuff that will give you diabetes. But Dominique Ansel stays unmoved while the mountain of unhealthiness grows around him. Such an enormous amount of work went into making this cronut. Each cronut is like making a movie.

 

LOU REED REVIEWS A KITTEN

A kitten is a child of a boy cat and a girl cat. And it knows about all kinds of ways to look cute. It really has a really wide range of things to play with. There are moments of supreme beauty and greatness that come with pet ownership, and then some of it is picking up catshit.

 

LOU REED REVIEWS A FLESHLIGHT

It’s fascinating—it’s very poignant, but there’s nothing warm about it, physically—it’s really electronic, and after a while, my penis and the fleshlight are virtually the same. But I don’t think that’s a statement about anything—it’s just something that some guy felt, then he made it so you could feel it too.

 

LOU REED REVIEWS THE INTERNET

Many websites seem like the same old b.s. Maybe because so many of them seem made up at the last minute. But it's the energy behind the internet, there’s aggression. Usually the parts of the internet I like are funny, and there are very funny things here. Although if you think that getting head from nuns and eating Asian pussy with sweet and sour sauce is funny, and it might be, to a 14-year-old—but that’s just Reddit. Then there's the obligatory endless blowjobs and threesomes.

 

LOU REED REVIEWS @SEINFELD2000’S REVIEW OF LOU REED’S REVIEW OF ‘YEEZUS’

Why he starts the review off with that typical “Oh hey, what if Seinfeld hadn’t been canceled in 1998 due to low ratings and was still on TV” conceit is beyond me, but what a conceit it is, all intentionally misspelled and photoshopped. I can’t figure out why he would do that. It’s like farting. It’s another dare—I dare you to understand this. Very perverse.

 

Lou Reed didn’t write any of this, Drew Millard wrote all of it. He’s on Twitter - @drewmillard

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