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Music

Which Cynical Popstar Gave the Most Insincere Apology?

This was the week musicians apologized for things they'd done wrong. But did they say it like they meant it?
Ryan Bassil
London, GB

Pop stars used to be involved in all sorts of hip trends—cocaine, molly, and good old-fashioned heroin. But today's celebrities have a new favorite pastime. It's called apologizing—and all the kids are doing it. Some celebrities apologize because they've made a heinous faux pas which they feel terrible about; others apologize because they were peer-pressured into it; and a few mix their apology with other dangerous activities—like continuing to be racist and an asshole. What's worse, many apologies aren't apologies at all; they're cut with substances like bullshit, bare-faced lying and hypocrisy, but still appear clean and pure to the naked eye.

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This presents two problems. The first—if a celebrity is apologizing for something that deserves an apology and understands it will retribute their public image, how can we be sure they’re sorry? They did the stupid thing for a reason and they should stand by that reason. And the second—why should celebrities apologize for every toe they put out of line? We’re not their parents and they don’t owe us anything.

This fortnight the apology epidemic reached a peak. Let's take a look at some celebrities that've been apologizing and work out whether their apologies were necessary and—the most important part as your Mother will tell you—whether they were meaningful.

One Direction

The misdemeanor: Louis (the one made out of putty and Shockwaves) and Zayn (the one who always looks like he’s struggling to read the bottom row of letters on an eye test) had just finished a show in Peru. They lit a rolled-up cigarette, which they referred to as a joint (but celebrity websites trying to improve their SEO have referred to it as a spliff, doobie, blunt, wacky backy, zoot, drug pamphlet, naughty summer roll).

The severity of the crime: It is not illegal to possess a small amount of cannabis in Peru; it’s about as serious as a leaked video of the boys eating a slice of toast with Bovril instead of Marmite. However, I’m reliably informed by the British press that it could lead to long term opiate abuse—once you pop you just can’t stop. Far more distressing was Louis’ repeated gags about “Mary Jane,” “the po po,” “enjoying the culture,” and Zayn’s special Bob Marley vest for weed smoking. It wasn’t a shock that One Direction smoked weed, but it was a bit disconcerting that they’re slightly less cool than the Inbetweeners.

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The apology: “Maybe things have gone a little sideways I apologize for that. We are only in our 20's (sic) we all do stupid things at this age. We all have a lot of growing up to do in an extreme circumstance I'm not making excuse but it's fact we are gunna fall short somewhere.”

On a scale of crossing all their fingers and toes to buying a bouquet of medium-priced flowers and grovelling outside someone’s doorstep, how valid is One Direction’s apology: The apology was sent out from Liam Payne’s Twitter—a band member who did not partake in the devil’s lettuce controversy. America is a pretty crazy place where drug-taking is still frowned upon and Miley Cyrus saw a big drop in ticket sales after she sparked up at the MTV awards. So 1D have got to do what they’ve got to do to keep middle-American pre-teens in a beatific trance where they give them all their parents’ money. But the only way this apology could be less sincere is if it was delivered in dripping Larry David sarcasm (and who knows, it probably was).

Pharrell

The misdemeanor: Pharrell replaced his Vivienne Westwood hat with a traditional Native American headdress and appeared on the cover of Elle.

The severity of the crime: I don’t want to comment because I am a white, straight, middle-class male and you are the internet.

The apology: “I respect and honor every kind of race, background and culture,” he said in a statement to Buzzfeed. “I am genuinely sorry.”

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On a scale of Jonah in Summer Heights High to performing “Happy” in a dark-room for 72 hours straight as retribution, how valid is Pharrell’s apology: He released it in a statement to Buzzfeed. Let’s get real.

Jack White

The misdemeanor: Jack White has talked shit on a lot of people. In a leaked email—last year—he called a member of the Black Keys a copycat asshole. Then he repeated his statements about the Black Keys in a Rolling Stone profile. He's also said that Adele, Duffy, and Lana Del Rey are, essentially, Amy Winehouse copycats. And on another occasion Jack has talked shit about Meg White. He also hates a lot of other things like camera phones, puppies, and anything fun.

The severity of the crime: It’s not a crime to have an opinion; otherwise everyone with an ask.fm would be in jail. But why is Jack White apologizing for things he believes and took the time to say?

The apology: It’s basically a thousand word essay which, if you can be bothered, lives on his website—Jack White the third. Parts of it say sorry but mostly Jack blames his opinions on “lawyers,” “strangers,” and “tabloid journalism” instead of blaming himself.

On a scale of saying sorry under his breath really quickly to volunteering to disappear from the face of our planet, how valid is Jack White’s apology: Not very. Jack White claims he was "forced" into opinion by journalists which is strange because, I'm only assuming, he turned up to the interview, opened his mouth, and said things on his own accord. His apology is introduced with a sentence that reads—because Jack White would like to “continue the activities [he has] planned for the rest of his year,” he has has decided to apologize to everyone. Basically—his apology is the grown-up equivalent of every child that’s ever apologized to their mom and asked for something in the same sentence.

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Macklemore

The misdemeanor: Macklemore dressed up like a hawkish Jewish stereotype. The sort of thing you’d see in Nazi propaganda or Matt Lucas and David Walliams sketch shows.

The severity of the crime: I mean, it’s not a great look for an artist who's built his career in support of civil rights movements to show up on stage performing a racist stereotype that—even in the 60s, audiences would have balked at.

The apology: “I’ve always loved dressing up and have been doing so my entire career. The character I dressed up as on Friday had no intended cultural identity or background. I picked up a bunch of fake moustaches and beards and grabbed a left over wig from our recent trip to Japan. As it turns out the fake noses they sell at the costume store are usually big (my nose didn’t fit most of them). So I ended up with a big witch nose. I personally thought I looked very ambiguous in terms of any “type” of person. It was surprising and disappointing that the images of a disguise were sensationalised leading to the immediate assertion that my costume was anti-Semitic. I’m saddened that this story, or any of my choices, would lead to any form of negativity.”

On a scale of bullshit to bullshit how valid is Macklemore’s apology: Bullshit. It’s basically the same as saying “I didn’t mean to black up, I just fell face first into a tin of shoe polish and I’d run out of face wash.” But I suppose you’ve got to admire the gall of someone who lays the blame with you, the audience, for seeing anti-semitism, rather than him, the guy dressed up like Fagin from Goebbels’ illustrated Oliver Twist.

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Justin Bieber

The misdemeanor: Howling the songs and jokes of Klansmen while being filmed on camera as a teenager. In one video Bieber repeats the N-word while making the noise of a chainsaw and in the second he replaces a word in his song with the N-word.

The severity of the crime: It’s pretty funny after the alleged prostitutes, drug taking, speeding, spitting on fans and animal cruelty—the thing that will ruin Justin Bieber's career took place when he was still 14 and fresh-faced.

The apology: “As a kid, I didn’t understand the power of certain words and how they can hurt. I thought it was ok to repeat hurtful words and jokes, but didn’t realize at the time that it wasn’t funny and that in fact my actions were continuing the ignorance.”

On a scale of Jeremy Clarkson to the Truth and Reconciliation Commission, how valid is Justin Bieber’s apology: Well…

Sam Wolfson and Ryan Bassil wait for you on Twitter.

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