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Music

Koch Boys, Volume II: The Koch Brothers Are Stunting on the Haters While French Montana Is Living the American Dream

Fire up your air horns and set your phasers to Thinktank, because it’s another edition of KOCH BOYS.

Fire up your air horns and set your phasers to Thinktank, because it’s another edition of KOCH BOYS, a column devoted to the things that both French Montana and the Koch Brothers are doing and how one might possibly be related to the other.

First off, the wily Brothers Koch have been backing Americans for Prosperity, a conservative group dedicated pumping money into Republican Senate races at the rate that French Montana flexes on his enemies by wearing ugly designer clothing and owning a tiger. Because stunting means never having to say you’re sorry, AfP have spent ten times more money than any Democratic group, and in turn have been able to push for environmental deregulation. This is because haters are constantly trying to regulate your environment, and you don’t want to be seen as a hater, do you? Rhetorical question.

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Americans for Prosperity have also been working to strip Kansas teachers of their tenure, I guess because not enough people were comparing the Kochs to Mr. Burns or something. Compare this to French Montana’s “We Go Wherever We Want,” where he brags, “Make more than doctors / My crib bigger than your school, n—a.” If teachers in Kansas quit because they’re getting fucked over then there will be no schools, leading to nothing for French Montana to compare his house to so he can make you feel bad. Clearly, French Montana is pro-education.

Meanwhile, French Montana has been doing a bit of #influencing regular Americans of his own lately, namely by palling around with Khloe Kardashian and having TMZ speculate in a headline, “Are they banging?” Maybe! I would love that, mainly because French, Kanye West, and one dude from One Direction might feasibly all have to attend the same Thanksgiving. Anyways now that he’s linked to a Kardashian, French Montana’s taken a pretty significant step in his long, mumbly, HAAAN-filled march from random dude hawking DVDs in the Bronx to American Icon. He might not have been born into vomit-inducing wealth like the Koch Boys were, but fuck it, this is America and anything is possible.

On the more music-centric side of things, French Montana, or at least one of his fur-clad goons, probably ghostwrote the excellent new Puff Daddy single “Big Homie.” Watch French, Diddy, Rick Ross, and a buncha random rappers do some new-money stuntin’ all over the globe below. Again, the important takeaway here is that anything is possible, and we should really deregulate environmental policies so the million luxury cars that Diddy owns can spew noxious colored smoke into the atmosphere.

French Montana also put out a song with rap’s favorite fat dudes Rick Ross and Fat Joe called “Another Day” that an homage to/ripoff of Queen Latifah’s “Just Another Day.” It is very good in a ride-to-the-party-in-a-gypsy-cab-pretending-your-Nutcracker-is-a-bottle-of-Patron type of way. Listen to that, too.

Drew Millard hates regulation in all its forms. He's on Twitter - @drewmillard