In bizarre, nepotistic music news, it was announced that Jay-Z will be writing songs for an upcoming version of the play Annie, which will star Willow Smith and is set to be produced by her father Will Smith. This is, for all intents and purposes, the super-rich megastar version of buying your child a pony. As a child who wanted a pony but never got one in their youth, I took the liberty of rewriting some notable Annie lyrics in the style of Jay-Z. I didn’t use any swear words, because Willow Smith is hypothetically rapping these hypothetical lyrics.
Original Lyric: “The sun’ll come out/Tomorrow/Bet your bottom dollar/That tomorrow/There’ll be sun!”
Jay-Z Rewrite: “Willow flow hotter than sun come tomorrow/I’m ‘bout a dollar/Holla, grab burner shot ya if I don’t see sun tomorrow.”
I envision this one as Willow’s “lyrical workout.”
Song: “We’d Like To Thank You Herbert Hoover”
Original Lyric: “They offered us Al Smith and Hoover/We paid attention and we chose/Not only did we pay attention/We paid through the nose.”
Jay-Z Rewrite: “They offered us Reagan and Bush/Pay attention, stop smokin’ your kush/Willow Smith addin’ dollars to my name/You fake/You fan fiction like cosplay.”
In my version of this song, Jay-Z both misinterprets the tenor of “We’d Like To Thank You Herbert Hoover” and knows about cosplay.
Song: “It’s A Hard Knock Life”
This one is actually a trick, because Jay already did this in like 1998.
Original Lyric: “Enough of the cab drivers answering back/In the language far from pure/Enough of frankfurters answering back/Brother, you know you’re in NYC.”
Jay-Z Rewrite: “Heart of the city got me feelin’ shitty/Cab drivers mad, winter ain’t pretty/Fuck it, got my own cars, hot dogs suck/Caddy, more trucks, it’s Daddy Warbucks.”
The weird thing is, I actually lifted that last line from a Cam’ron song. Also, Daddy Warbucks is allowed to swear in this play. Annie is not.
Song: “Easy Street”
Original Lyric: “Mother dear/Oh, we know you’re down there listening/How can we follow/Your sweet/Advice/To/Easy Street?”
Jay-Z Rewrite: “Stomach undercrowded, wanna get on Easy Street/I sling rock, you second like M-Eezy Bleek.”
Jay-Z’s subtle mocking of Memphis Bleek for being his perennial understudy knows no bounds, and will definitely find its way into Annie.
Song: “You Won’t Be An Orphan For Long”
Original Lyric: “Mountains easily move/Oh, you won’t be an orphan/No, you won’t be an orphan for long.”
Jay-Z Rewrite: “You won’t be an orphan for long/You’ll be dead while I rock Privé/Mess around, goons’ll have you missin’ like a TK.”
At this point in the play, Annie is no longer an orphan and has become a murderous crime lord.
Song: “You’re Never Fully Dressed Without A Smile”
Original Lyric: “Your clothes may be Beau Brummelly/They stand out a mile/But, brother/You’re never fully dressed/Without a smile!”
Jay-Z Rewrite: “You’re never fully dressed without a smile/Yeah that shit’s for poor people/You prayin’ in a frock, well I’m stuntin’ on the steeple.”
Annie is a play about class warfare. Jay-Z is a rapper who talks about things that make me feel poor, so he is also a rapper about class warfare.
Original Lyric: “Annie/Annie/Annie/Everything’s humming now/Annie/Annie.”
Jay-Z Rewrite: “Willow Smith/Willow Smith/Willow Smith/You know who’s awesome?/Willow Smith/Willow Smith.”
Lest we forget that the new Annie is basically about Willow Smith (who I seriously do think is awesome)?
If Jigga wants these, he can totally have them and say he wrote them. Just buy me a pony or something.
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