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Important Questions Raised by Miley Cyrus' New Video, "We Can't Stop"

By Sasha Hecht

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Making fun of Miley Cyrus is low-hanging fruit. Completely justified fruit, but low-hanging nonetheless. Because I'm occasionally clever (but mostly just mean), friends and coworkers have been sending me Miles' new video, "We Can't Stop," with an eager "What do you think of this???" all day. But other than being akin to scrolling through your Tumblr dashboard while waiting for the semi-suicidal PCP comedown to subside, this video is so goddamn brain-busting that I cannot even begin to piece together an opinion on it. I only have questions. SO MANY QUESTIONS. Maybe you can help me answer some of them.

Which carried a higher pricetag: this three-second product placement or the entire music video?

 

Do you even realize how many germs are on those bills?

 

This was the most artful way you could incorporate this product placement?

And how much of Miley's stylist's job is monitoring camel toe? (Great job, by the way.)

 

Does Damien Hirst need to borrow money? I can spot him if he promises to pay me back.

 

Is this "edgy?"

 

Am I having a stroke?

 

Where are your parents?

 

That's a bowl of Spaghetti-Os. How did you manage to spell "TWERK?"

 

What hidden cosmic truths has this woman discovered by gazing into Miley Cyrus' butthole?

 

Where are this doll's parents?

 

Since when?

 

Would you have still thwacked away at this piñata if you had known that it was just filled with hot dogs?

 

Is Miley Cyrus actually just Justin Bieber wearing lipstick?

 

And finally...

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

 

Sasha Hecht needs to go home now. You can find her on Twitter - @sashahecht

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