If Justin Bieber is Allowed to Win a Grammy, He Will Become President and Enslave the Human RaceBy James Tiberius Argriphile, a 500 Year-Old Man from the Future
Hello. My name is James Tiberius Argriphile, and I am from the future. I was born in the year 2033, years after the Bieber Administration sank its claws into the cesspool of humanity and slowly set in motion the chain of events that ultimately led to humanity’s undoing. I am the last survivor.
Whatever happens, humanity cannot let Justin Bieber win a Grammy. Do you hear understand me?
HUMANITY CANNOT LET JUSTIN BIEBER WIN A GRAMMY.
Allow me to give you a quick timeline of humanity’s progress if nothing is altered. May High Priest Scooter Braun have mercy upon our souls.
February 2014—After releasing his fourth studio album Ymmag (I Want It), which features seven number-one singles including “Accolade,” “Come On Milli Vanilli Has One,” and “Fuck You, I’m a Serious Artist Who Makes Music for Adults Now (Feat. Pharrell),” Justin Bieber wins the Album of the Year Grammy.
May 2014—Barack Obama holds a command performance featuring Bieber, Asher Roth, and PSY. During a sing-along performance of “I Love College,” Justin Bieber and PSY (who is actually a spy) coerce President Obama into signing the White House over to Bieber. Bieber celebrates by singing “One Time” while PSY does the horse dance.
2020—President Bieber announces he’s running for a third term, citing “Didn’t that other guy do it?” as his legal justification. Figuring a candidate who hasn’t gone Platinum doesn’t have a chance against the Biebs, the Republicans run Miley Cyrus as their candidate. The Bieber administration unearths this video, and Cyrus is soundly defeated. President Bieber does a really cool dance for the Supreme Court, and they pass a constitutional amendment abolishing democracy.
2056—All disease cured and all those who visit a doctor once per year are effectively assured immortal life. Fortunately, only 10% of Americans can afford healthcare.
2082—Chancellor Bieber watches Rocky IV for the first time, then decides to invade Russia, accidentally takes over the entire Earth.
2114—The Robots take over, assassinating Bieber but vowing to remain benevolent robot overlords.
2212—In order to keep producing more robots, our benevolent robot overlords need water to cool their machinery. However, the Earth has finally run out of water. All humans are hooked up to moisture-sapping devices and slowly drained of their life while partaking in a massive group hallucination exercise not unlike the one depicted in the popular pre-robot film The Matrix.
2533—Aliens invade Earth, resulting in a Death Ray faceoff that holds the aliens back but destroys the entire Earth. Jostled loose from my moisture-sapping station, I fell into a wormhole and back to your time. I am the only survivor.
I beg of you. Please do not let Justin Bieber win a Grammy.
Ace of Base's Secret Nazi Past
Before he founded Ace of Base, Ulf Ekberg was a member of Commit Suiside, a Nazi punk band.
Parquet Courts - "Light Up Gold Road Trip" (Full Documentary)
In this new documentary, Noisey follows rising indie rockers Parquet Courts from Mexico to Texas and London as they tour to support their debut LP, 'Light Up Gold.'
Yung Lean Doer Is the Weirdest 16-Year-Old White Swedish Rapper You'll Hear This Week
Yung Lean raps over pillow-fluffy beats and raps about glory holes and Arizona Iced Tea. Who the fuck is this kid? And why is he like this?
Adam Ant - The British Masters, Chapter 6
Noisey's John Doran talks with the great post-punk pop star Adam Ant about tribal body mods and layering tape.
Photos: Taking Acid at Coachella
When Paley sent these photos in, she included a nice little caveat over email that we've decided to reprint here in full, not only because it's too good to edit, but because her photographs of her and her weird buddies riding the snake are some of the best
R.I.P. Storm Thorgerson (1944-2013)
On Thursday, the hyper-talented graphic designer, artist, and famed album cover creator Storm Thorgerson passed away after a battle with cancer. He was 69 years old.
The Internet Is Scary
As of six months ago, my Facebook fanpage is like a dojo where hormonal teenagers hone their technique. Here is a heartfelt poem from some kid who wants to rape, kill, and marry me.
I Accidentally Touched Little Richard's Butt One Time
It was in the Detroit airport. After it happened Little Richard said, "He graze my derriere."
Listen to St. Lucia's Remix of The Colourist's "Little Games"
Last month, Cali quartet the Colourist released "Little Games," and St. Lucia just pulled a warm Balearic blanket over the whole thing, sanding away its rough edges with bright synths and lightly gated percussion.
Aaron Montaigne, Godfather of Screamo, is More Interesting Than You Can Ever Hope to Be - Part Two
On surviving combat in Iraq and Afghanistan with the help of magic, 'Bladerunner,' and everything in between.