Hello. My name is James Tiberius Argriphile, and I am from the future. I was born in the year 2033, years after the Bieber Administration sank its claws into the cesspool of humanity and slowly set in motion the chain of events that ultimately led to humanity’s undoing. I am the last survivor.Whatever happens, humanity cannot let Justin Bieber win a Grammy. Do you hear understand me?HUMANITY CANNOT LET JUSTIN BIEBER WIN A GRAMMY.Allow me to give you a quick timeline of humanity’s progress if nothing is altered. May High Priest Scooter Braun have mercy upon our souls.February 2014—After releasing his fourth studio album Ymmag (I Want It), which features seven number-one singles including “Accolade,” “Come On Milli Vanilli Has One,” and “Fuck You, I’m a Serious Artist Who Makes Music for Adults Now (Feat. Pharrell),” Justin Bieber wins the Album of the Year Grammy.May 2014—Barack Obama holds a command performance featuring Bieber, Asher Roth, and PSY. During a sing-along performance of “I Love College,” Justin Bieber and PSY (who is actually a spy) coerce President Obama into signing the White House over to Bieber. Bieber celebrates by singing “One Time” while PSY does the horse dance.2020—President Bieber announces he’s running for a third term, citing “Didn’t that other guy do it?” as his legal justification. Figuring a candidate who hasn’t gone Platinum doesn’t have a chance against the Biebs, the Republicans run Miley Cyrus as their candidate. The Bieber administration unearths this video, and Cyrus is soundly defeated. President Bieber does a really cool dance for the Supreme Court, and they pass a constitutional amendment abolishing democracy.2056—All disease cured and all those who visit a doctor once per year are effectively assured immortal life. Fortunately, only 10% of Americans can afford healthcare.2082—Chancellor Bieber watches Rocky IV for the first time, then decides to invade Russia, accidentally takes over the entire Earth.2114—The Robots take over, assassinating Bieber but vowing to remain benevolent robot overlords.2212—In order to keep producing more robots, our benevolent robot overlords need water to cool their machinery. However, the Earth has finally run out of water. All humans are hooked up to moisture-sapping devices and slowly drained of their life while partaking in a massive group hallucination exercise not unlike the one depicted in the popular pre-robot film The Matrix.2533—Aliens invade Earth, resulting in a Death Ray faceoff that holds the aliens back but destroys the entire Earth. Jostled loose from my moisture-sapping station, I fell into a wormhole and back to your time. I am the only survivor.I beg of you. Please do not let Justin Bieber win a Grammy.
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