How To Stay Beautiful On Tour (And Defecate Without Pain)

As a touring musician, keeping up your daily beauty routine is annoying and difficult on the road. I’m no beauty expert, however I am an expert on doing things the cheap and easy way. So, here is my beauty guide for touring musicians; a guide for those of us who are a little broke and very low maintenance, but still want to fake looking clean and shiny.

Washing your face before bed is a chore any night, let alone when you are five thousand miles from home and sleeping cramped up on a stranger’s armchair. If I didn’t bring cleansing wipes on tour, I would probably never wash my face and that is pretty gross. Simple makes the cheapest, vitamin-heavy wipes for sensitive skin. Not recommended for tree-huggers or people who care about the environment, as these are very wasteful.

Too Broke? Wash your face with soap and water. Duh.

I hate washing my hair. I hate washing my hair even more on tour because I usually have to do it in someone else’s bathroom. Besides, blowing hot air at your face when it’s a zillion degrees outside seems insane to me. Instead, I use dry shampoo and shower caps. TREsemmé Dry Shampoo is, like, $4 a bottle (that’s not even the price of a pack of cigarettes) and it works. I have used this stuff religiously for years. Last week, I did a photo shoot and the stylist complimented my hair. I had not washed it in nine days. Dry shampoo is so genius, it even tricks professionals.

Too broke? Johnson’s Baby Powder is the original DIY dry shampoo for blondes and light brunettes. If you have black hair, you shouldn’t be complaining because you are probably goth and goths don’t wash their hair anyway.

Laxatives are dangerous business. One time on tour, I needed to take laxatives, so I went and bought the female-recommended brand assuming these would be less dire on my system. Wrong. I was shitting rivers all day. We were in Sacramento visiting our friend’s boutique and I spent the entire time on the toilet, wincing. It didn’t stop until we got to the show. Never again, guys. Do not trust anything but Purlax or Senokot. They are slow release laxative products that do not devastate your anus.

Too broke? Smoke a cigarette and drink some coffee at the same time.

Everything about tour is unpredictable, especially things like available toilets, showers, and who you might sleep with. Keep your “stuff” clean. Hide a pack of baby wipes in your bag.

Too broke? A wet paper towel with a spray of perfume? I guess?

On tour, having a lengthy beauty routine is ridiculous. Not only do your band members not want to wait for you to vainly apply layers of crap on your face, but also you are going to sweat it off within seconds. You have a long, humid, and boring van ride ahead of you. Who are you trying to impress? That gas station attendant is totally gay and he is not into you. May I suggest tinted moisturizer as an alternative to powder, foundation, or cover-up? Not only is it light and durable, but also it has SPF 30 and evens tone and texture. Win-win.

Too broke? This is the ultimate product, so you should probably go steal it from Walgreens or ask your band for money.

I don’t want to promote drug use, so I feel that suggesting a herbal anti-anxiety medication is more acceptable than telling you to cop some Vicodin. If the glass is half empty, touring is just one big, giant mood swing with a show as the nightcap. There is van drama, band drama, gear drama, drunk drama and promoter drama. Maybe that’s dark, but things can get dark on tour. Ew, emotions. Ew, your bandmate’s drama. Ew, your own drama. Kick the anxiety with Kava Kava. It’s mellow, but it gives you that extra boost of “whatever-it’s-all-good-guys” to deal with the world. Doctor Mish recommended (unless you are a heavy drug user who has high tolerance to medication, but if that is you, you know how to get the good pills in any town).

Too broke? If you can’t handle drama, then you probably shouldn’t be in a band anyway. I hear, uh, no one is hiring. Good luck.

Photo by Jody Rogac

@myszkaway