How The Smiths Can Get You Laid

Anyone who considers themselves a “music person” probably takes musical compatibility somewhat seriously when it comes to dating. Online dating, especially, makes it easier to weed out the deal breakers—like maybe you find a cute guy or girl on OKCupid, but they list Maroon 5 under “favorite music” and that makes you pull your face a certain way. I used the site once when I was 18 and I remember I thought very carefully about what bands to put under the music section (though, either way, I never ended up on any dates, so maybe I should just stop talking).

A few weeks ago, however, my friend shared with me this great quote from a girl’s OKC profile: “the smiths are my favorite band, but i refuse to listen to them at the moment because they remind me of the best thing i ever had, which i’ve now thrown away because i’m a waste of a human being.” Whoa, shit just got really real. And then that got me thinking: I actually know quite a handful of people who have used The Smiths in some way to pursue romance. I literally just remembered that my best friend’s OKC username is a Smiths song and chuckled for a good 30 seconds. But also, remember that elevator scene from (500) Days of Summer? Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s character was all like “OH. SHIT.” after Zooey Deschanel’s titular character sang a Smiths song in her typical manic pixie dreamy way. And then he tried to woo her pants off at the office by putting on a Smiths song as she was leaving work. (There is a theory in here somewhere, I promise.)

So, what is it about the Smiths? Something about Morrissey’s self-loathing lyrics and pondering on human loneliness makes people want to be like, “I’m sad, you’re sad, let’s sad together,” because maybe we all need a little self-hate to find love (so deep). I don’t know if “I’m a waste of a human being” is ever a good way to pick up someone, but you should try these Smiths lines for your dating profile (or hey, IRL dating) and let them sad boys/girls flock to you.

– I am human and I need to be loved. [“How Soon Is Now”]

– If I seem strange, that’s because I am. [“Unloveable”]

– I was looking for a job, and then I found a job. [“Heaven Knows I’m Miserable Now”]

– I never had a job cause I never wanted one. [“You’ve Got Everything Now”]

– Getting my hands on your mammary glands ;) [“Handsome Devil”]

– That I wear black on the outside. It’s because black is how I feel on the inside. [“Unloveable”]

– Hair brushed and parted. Typical me, typical me. [“I Started Something I Couldn’t Finish”]

– Love, pizza, harmony. That’s all I need. [“Death of a Disco Dancer”]

– How life is very long when you’re lonely. [“The Queen Is Dead”]

– Wondering to myself: if I’m so very good-looking, why do I sleep alone tonight? [“I Know It’s Over”]

– I would go out, but I haven’t got a stitch to wear. [“This Charming Man”]

– I smoke cause I’m hoping for an early death and I need to cling to something. [“What She Said”]

– My only weakness is a list of crime. [“Shoplifters of the World Unite”]

– There’s something you’d like to try. Ask me, I won’t say “No.” How could I? [“Ask”]

– I have a girlfriend in a coma. I know, it’s serious. But message me if you’re ok with dat. [“Girlfriend in a Coma”]

@kristenyoonsoo