Holy Fuck, Somebody Tried To Assassinate Justin BieberBy Noisey Staff
Okay, this is fucking insane. CNN reports that a plot involving the strangling and castration of Justin Bieber was foiled. This is a pretty intense, vaguely complicated narrative, but here goes:
According to reports issued on Thursday, two men were plotting to attend Justin Bieber's sold-out Madison Square Garden concert, apprehend him, and then strangle and castrate both he and his bodyguard. Mark Staake, one of the men in question, was arrested by authorities at a Point Of Entry checkpoint in Vermont for a probation violation. His nephew Tanner Ruane was arrested a couple days later stemming from incriminating phone calls between he and a man named Dana Martin, who allegedly had hatched the plan to assassinate The Biebs.
Martin had met Staake while they were both in a Southern New Mexico prison. He had convinced Staake and Ruane to murder Bieber, his bodyguard, and two acquaintances of Martin's by strangling them with paisley ties and then castrating them, offering a reward of $2,500 per testicle. Curiously enough it is Martin who ended up turning the men in. A Bieber obsessive, Martin has a tattoo on his leg that says "J.B." and allegedly wished to have the murder committed to increase his profile in the outside world, as well as to extract revenge upon Bieber for not responding to his attempts to reach out to him.
The editorial staff of Noisey would like to express relief that both Justin Bieber and his balls are intact.
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