The first thing that comes to mind when watching this video is that the musicians behind it are award winning folk/pop Smith & Thell. I’m going to take a gamble and say Thell is the blond who opens up this accursed video with “I got broads in Atlanta” with all the cadence of a dead lamp, but honestly who cares. If you haven’t guessed by now, this is yet another in a series of covers of popular songs that are covered by people who shouldn’t cover them. And it would appear that the year’s current favorite is Desiigner’s “Panda.”To help in putting together this summary you will inevitably skip so you can share this flaming piece of putric acid, I’ve realized that this video does not represent everything that is wrong with life. Instead it embodies everything wrong in people. Not just white people, but people in general. Since 2012, YOU PEOPLE, both black and white, encouraged and shared what I believe to be the genesis of this disease, "Love Sosa" acoustic cover.You posted it on your friends' walls, taking joy in the simple trivialness of a white woman singing about straps and ratchet fuckery, and now, five years and an infinite amount trap-acoustic covers later, we’re here, at a video where a candelabra keeps the room well illuminated and provides warmth to each “Panda, Panda, PANDA, PANDA” and “Pop a Perc, I can’t stand up / Gorilla, they come and kill you with bananas.” Then there's the 1:49 mark, where they bring the hook to it’s climax like something was accomplished. Look closely again at where the candelabra is: Do you realize that’s a mirror? Do you also realize that in this mirror you can’t see their reflection? Want to know why? I don’t have to tell you why. Because they are vampires. You can’t see the reflection of their souls because they have none. Satan specifically put them on earth for the sole purpose of doing this horrible cover, with their awkward stage presence and their horrible use of the word “bandos.”You are all to blame. All of you did this and will continue to do this. Fuck Karmin, fuck “Panda,” fuck Desiigner for making a brick off of stealing Future’s sound and fuck these IRL versions of Marnie and Desi from Girls covering this horrible fucking song you guys like because you need repetitive hooks about animals you think are cute enough to hug when they are actually vicious predators.
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Jabbari Weekes gets mad in Toronto. Follow him on Twitter.