If you’d like to see some hilarious, weird, and often incredibly creepy uses of Craigslist, read the Missed Connections from any music festival. It’s a remarkable sociological examination of how music can influence people to interact in public settings. In other words, you can laugh at people trying to get their fuck on. This year, Riot Fest hit Chicago, Toronto, and Denver and the corresponding Missed Connections did not disappoint. There were tons of them.
There was the guy trying to find a sexy mom:
You were standing with your son for Blink-182. You had a tight black Blink182 shirt on, and your boobs were so big.
This bipolar guy looking for a violent Pixies fan:
You punched me in my arm while I was waiting for Pixies to start playing and then acted like it didn't happen. I came back to confront you and you said 'sorry honey, I thought you were someone else" If I see you again, I will probaly punch you in the face, you dumb cunt. Or if you want to, we can hang out, I thought you were pretty cute and genuine. Either way, get in touch!
And this incredibly offputting, downright illegal ode to the “girl with the ass”:
You were a cute blonde with a striped over shirt that kept slipping off your shoulders...during blinks set I stood behind you....You had a phenomenal ass. The entire show I was rubbing my cock against you and a grabbed your ass a couple times. I even rubbed where your butthole was once or twice. I would have loved to take you to my hotel and licked your sweaty ass clean. Probably would've let you fart on my face or more :). I hope you had as much fun as I did
But we found one that kind of warmed our hearts in a weird way. There’s a simple understated poetry to it. The girl with the Sublime hand tattoo:
This seemed like it was a sweet, albeit totally trashed moment between two people with mutually questionable tastes in music which also included a Sublime hand tattoo. We took an interest and contacted the poster and interviewed him because why not. His name is Charlie and he seems like a nice enough dude. Help him find his lady (or at least a cool local gal)?
Noisey: So walk me through this. Explain how you fell into this situation.
Charlie: Well, me and my three friends are pretty big Replacements fans. They’re the main reason we flew to Chicago for the fest. That day, we decided our goal was to get "Replacements drunk.” The kind folks at Riot Fest were rather accommodating by making it super easy to sneak a bunch of whiskey in.
Where do you live?
I live in Brooklyn, New York. Moved here about two months ago after spending eight years in Boston, but grew up on Long Island.
OK. So you're getting “Replacements drunk." And where do you meet this girl?
Division St. Bar, not much of a walk from Humboldt Park where the fest was.
What was going on there?
Mostly just a half full bar of exhausted looking people tying on one more before the trip home. When we walked up to the bar these two girls turned around and started to tell us how they had been badgering the bartender to play some Taking Back Sunday, and asked if we could help with the cause.
Oof. And you did?
With enthusiasm. I've got a soft spot for Taking Back Sunday. I've been going to see them since I was 14 and they were still passing out demo CD-Rs. They played a pretty big role as a sort of gateway band for me and it still doesn't totally compute to me how popular they became. So in my drunken haze, 800 miles from home, this came across as some type of weird sign from the gods.
Tell me about the girl.
She had blonde hair and fair skin. She was wearing a tan sweatshirt with the sleeves rolled and some tattoos running down her arms towards her hands.
Including a Sublime tattoo apparently.
Including a Sublime tattoo. The classic sun logo going from her wrist to hand, though my recollection is a bit blurry.
And that wasn’t an immediate red flag?
Nah, she seemed like a nice girl. And if I wrote someone off every time I noticed they had a bad tattoo I'd have a lot less friends. Hell, one of my best friends has "coffee" tattooed on the inside of her lip.
Totally. So then what happened?
What seemed like the whole bar—but was probably just me, her, and two of our friends—got into some pretty rousing Taking Back Sunday and Brand New sing-alongs. Chatted for a bit about music, where ya from, typical stuff. Not sure how it happened but we ended up in the corner making out while my three friends awkwardly stood around and watched.
Nice. Why did you part ways?
I'm not exactly sure. I remember standing outside the bar while she was talking to her friend and letting them know I was heading back in and that was it. I blame the Malört. Don’t ever drink that stuff.
Well let's help you find her. Where was she from?
The great state of Florida.
Long distance. So do you expect this to work out?
Who knows? I expected to send a Missed Connection to a couple friends and make them laugh a bit. But I had an awesome time seeing one of my favorite bands with some of my best friends and a great time afterwards too. So it seems like it's already worked out pretty well. If she ends up getting in touch, then I guess that’s icing on the cake.
What was her name?
Well, you seem like a nice guy. Let's find Amy. Or at least find you a nice local girl. Tell us about yourself.
I'm 26. I work for a small software company in Manhattan. I love drinking beer and listening to music, but love making beer and making music even more. Though I'm mediocre at best at both. I'm probably at my happiest when I'm sitting on the couch with my friends, hockey on the TV, Jawbreaker on the turntable, and a Belgian Tripel in hand.
So to recap for the readers, Jawbreaker, the Replacements, and Taking Back Sunday are up your alley.
That they are.
When a guy takes a photo with a dog, that means he's super sensitive...ladies?
What do you look for in a lady?
I've never really been one to have a type. The girls I've dated have been pretty all over the map. Someone who can carry a conversation. I'm a pretty quiet guy, but [someone who] listens when I do speak up. Someone who shares enough common interests but is different enough to teach me something about the world.
What about looks?
Again, never really had a type. I'm a sucker for blue eyes though.
Aside from making out to Taking Back Sunday, what would a girl expect on a date with you?
Some awkward stuttering over a nice dinner. A little bar crawl afterwards where the bars get progressively more and more divey until we're drinking whiskey in a park. Lots of immature jokes and me trying to pass off Arrested Development lines as my own. Maybe a Missed Connection the next day when I forget to ask for your number.
Where’s the strangest place you ever met a woman?
I met my first high school girlfriend on The Starting Line message board. That's probably something I should be pretty embarrassed by. Not as embarrassing as admitting to listening to The Starting Line though, I suppose.
No, both elements of that are embarrassing. Any last words for any potential lady suitors?
I'm literate and stylish, kissable and quiet. Thats what girls dreams are made of.
That's some sort of Taking Back Sunday lyric isn’t it?
Old habits die hard.
That’s another one, isn’t it? No wonder you’re single.
Interested, ladies? You can reach him here: email@example.com (It’s a Jawbreaker reference, c’mon!)
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