Guided By Voices Makes Me Depressed About The Future Of My Dick
[Ed. Note: The Kid Mero is a Bronx-based writer and comedian specializing in #KNOWLEDGEDARTS and #COKEDREAMS. Most importantly, he's our new Reviews Editor over at Noisey. He sent us an all-caps email threatening to "GENTLY KARATE CHOP [US] IN THE BREAST" if we changed any part of his reviews, so we'll be running them unedited on a daily basis from here on out.]
OH WOW ALL THESE SONGS ARE 2 MINUTES OF SOME DUDE FROM OHIO THAT THINKS HE'S BRITISH SAYING SOME NONSENSE OVER GUITARS THAT SOUND LIKE AN AUDIO SLOUCH. LIKE IF I HAD A FILE CALLED "SLOUCH.MP3" IN MY DOWNLOADS THATS WHAT IT WOULD SOUND LIKE. YO I WAS GONNA SAY "THIS IS SOME ANI DIFRANCO BULLSHIT B" AND THEN I WAS LIKE "CHILL I CANT SAY THAT, I DONT KNOW WHAT ANI DIFRANCO IS." THEN I YOUTUBED IT AND NOW I CAN'T STOP FUCKIN GUFFAWING B. ALSO I JUST GOOGLE IMAGED THESE DUDES AND THEY LOOK LIKE THEY WORK AT A COMIC BOOK STORE AND TAKE THEY JOB OD SERIOUSLY. YO WHY DO OLD WHITE DUDES ALWAYS TRY TO BE ARTSY TO CONTINUE TO GET PUSSY INTO THEY OLD AGE? IS THAT THE AUTOMATIC STRATEGY? "OH SHIT I'M 53 NOW AND I LOOK LIKE AN ALCOHOLIC LESBIAN GRANDMA SO I GOTTA GET THE BAND BACK TOGETHER AND DROP AN ALBUM WITH A NONSENSICAL TITLE SO THE FRESHMAN BITCHES AT THIS WEIRD ALTERNATIVE SCHOOL WILL THINK I'M A VIABLE PENIS OPTION!" IS THAT THE THOUGHT PROCESS? I KNOW YOU NIGGAS AIN'T MAKING MUSIC FOR LONGER THAN I BEEN ALIVE "FOR THE LOVE OF MUSIC" YOU HAVE AN ULTERIOR MOTIVE AND THAT MOTIVE IS TO GET A NUBILE YOUNG WOMAN TO ALLOW YOU TO PENETRATE HER SOFT MOIST VAGINAL HOLE WITH YOUR GROSS SOGGY OLD MAN DICK. I JUST GOT DEPRESSED BECAUSE IN A FEW DECADES FROM NOW I'LL HAVE A GROSS SOGGY OLD MAN DICK. FUCK IT I'LL JUST START A BAND AND CALL MY ALBUM "ACERBIC DUCK NOVELS"
I GIVE THIS 1 PILE OF DUTCH GUTS OUT OF 5 BECAUSE IT JUST MADE ME DEPRESSED ABOUT MY MORTALITY AND THE FUTURE OF MY DICK.
STANDOUT TRACK: "SMOGGY BOY" BECAUSE "SMOGGY BOY" IS A PRETTY COOL RAP NAME OR WIFI ROUTER NAME.
Here's 11 Awesome Things About Petite Meller's Video for "Ice Bear" ft. Joe Fleisch
Parisian pop princess goes winter wonderland weird.
Here's "Hero"—The Brand New Tune by Diplo, Frank Ocean, and The Clash
We hung out with the boys in Brooklyn about this unlikely collaboration
"Daughter, Daughter" by D/C Will Make You Root for the Supposed Bad Boy
When will parents understand that when they butt into your love life, you're gonna run 100 miles per hour in the other direction?
An Interview With Georgia Nott of BROODS
Gorgia Nott has a lot to be happy about. At 19, the New Zealand musician is half of BROODS, one of the quickest rising duos in electronic pop music at the moment.
Keep Up With Our SXSW 2014 Coverage Here
Hopefully, we don't die.
The Score: Mapping the Music and Style of 'That Thing You Do!'
Sixties chic via the 90s and that one song over and over and over.
We're Premiering Big K.R.I.T.'s "Steps" Documentary & a New Song Feat. Big SANT & Smoke DZA
#weekofKRIT Is Almost Over.
Kanye West and Crustpunk: Together at Last
It's the Leftöver Crack/Kanye mashup you've been waiting for.
Welcome to Koch Boyz, Where We Document What French Montana and the Koch Brothers Are Up To
Welcome to Koch Boyz, a column dedicated to any time the Koch Brothers and French Montana do anything within a few days of each other.
Watch Mark McGuire's Pretty Personal Video for "The Human Condition"
Former Emeralds guitarist incorporates footage from his Dad's "celebrity roast" back in 89...