Guided By Voices Makes Me Depressed About The Future Of My Dick
[Ed. Note: The Kid Mero is a Bronx-based writer and comedian specializing in #KNOWLEDGEDARTS and #COKEDREAMS. Most importantly, he's our new Reviews Editor over at Noisey. He sent us an all-caps email threatening to "GENTLY KARATE CHOP [US] IN THE BREAST" if we changed any part of his reviews, so we'll be running them unedited on a daily basis from here on out.]
OH WOW ALL THESE SONGS ARE 2 MINUTES OF SOME DUDE FROM OHIO THAT THINKS HE'S BRITISH SAYING SOME NONSENSE OVER GUITARS THAT SOUND LIKE AN AUDIO SLOUCH. LIKE IF I HAD A FILE CALLED "SLOUCH.MP3" IN MY DOWNLOADS THATS WHAT IT WOULD SOUND LIKE. YO I WAS GONNA SAY "THIS IS SOME ANI DIFRANCO BULLSHIT B" AND THEN I WAS LIKE "CHILL I CANT SAY THAT, I DONT KNOW WHAT ANI DIFRANCO IS." THEN I YOUTUBED IT AND NOW I CAN'T STOP FUCKIN GUFFAWING B. ALSO I JUST GOOGLE IMAGED THESE DUDES AND THEY LOOK LIKE THEY WORK AT A COMIC BOOK STORE AND TAKE THEY JOB OD SERIOUSLY. YO WHY DO OLD WHITE DUDES ALWAYS TRY TO BE ARTSY TO CONTINUE TO GET PUSSY INTO THEY OLD AGE? IS THAT THE AUTOMATIC STRATEGY? "OH SHIT I'M 53 NOW AND I LOOK LIKE AN ALCOHOLIC LESBIAN GRANDMA SO I GOTTA GET THE BAND BACK TOGETHER AND DROP AN ALBUM WITH A NONSENSICAL TITLE SO THE FRESHMAN BITCHES AT THIS WEIRD ALTERNATIVE SCHOOL WILL THINK I'M A VIABLE PENIS OPTION!" IS THAT THE THOUGHT PROCESS? I KNOW YOU NIGGAS AIN'T MAKING MUSIC FOR LONGER THAN I BEEN ALIVE "FOR THE LOVE OF MUSIC" YOU HAVE AN ULTERIOR MOTIVE AND THAT MOTIVE IS TO GET A NUBILE YOUNG WOMAN TO ALLOW YOU TO PENETRATE HER SOFT MOIST VAGINAL HOLE WITH YOUR GROSS SOGGY OLD MAN DICK. I JUST GOT DEPRESSED BECAUSE IN A FEW DECADES FROM NOW I'LL HAVE A GROSS SOGGY OLD MAN DICK. FUCK IT I'LL JUST START A BAND AND CALL MY ALBUM "ACERBIC DUCK NOVELS"
I GIVE THIS 1 PILE OF DUTCH GUTS OUT OF 5 BECAUSE IT JUST MADE ME DEPRESSED ABOUT MY MORTALITY AND THE FUTURE OF MY DICK.
STANDOUT TRACK: "SMOGGY BOY" BECAUSE "SMOGGY BOY" IS A PRETTY COOL RAP NAME OR WIFI ROUTER NAME.
The Score: Mapping the Music and Style of 'That Thing You Do!'
Sixties chic via the 90s and that one song over and over and over.
We're Premiering Big K.R.I.T.'s "Steps" Documentary & a New Song Feat. Big SANT & Smoke DZA
#weekofKRIT Is Almost Over.
Kanye West and Crustpunk: Together at Last
It's the Leftöver Crack/Kanye mashup you've been waiting for.
Welcome to Koch Boyz, Where We Document What French Montana and the Koch Brothers Are Up To
Welcome to Koch Boyz, a column dedicated to any time the Koch Brothers and French Montana do anything within a few days of each other.
Watch Mark McGuire's Pretty Personal Video for "The Human Condition"
Former Emeralds guitarist incorporates footage from his Dad's "celebrity roast" back in 89...
Listen to a Preview of Julian Casablancas' New Solo LP
The Strokes frontman teases us with what's to come under his new guise Julian Casablancas + The Voidz.
Dum Dum Girls - "Are You Okay" (By Bret Easton Ellis, Official Short Film)
The Dum Dum Girls team up with Bret Easton Ellis in this anxious tale of chilling neurosis. Plus a very personal interview with Dee Dee.
Inside Icona Pop's Wardrobe on Miley's Bangerz Tour
How can you compete with Miley's tongue? By dressing like a cyber warrior from future planet called Awesome.
Listen to an Unreleased Unwound Track, and Read Our In-Depth Interview
Numero Group has taken it upon themselves to give the cult band the historical treatment they deserve.
Real Estate: The Atlas of New Jersey
The band opens up about being called a beach band and how the internet is ruining our lives.