[Ed. Note: The Kid Mero is a Bronx-based writer and comedian specializing in #KNOWLEDGEDARTS and #COKEDREAMS. Most importantly, he's our new Reviews Editor over at Noisey. He sent us an all-caps email threatening to "GENTLY KARATE CHOP [US] IN THE BREAST" if we changed any part of his reviews, so we'll be running them unedited on a daily basis from here on out.]
OH WOW ALL THESE SONGS ARE 2 MINUTES OF SOME DUDE FROM OHIO THAT THINKS HE'S BRITISH SAYING SOME NONSENSE OVER GUITARS THAT SOUND LIKE AN AUDIO SLOUCH. LIKE IF I HAD A FILE CALLED "SLOUCH.MP3" IN MY DOWNLOADS THATS WHAT IT WOULD SOUND LIKE. YO I WAS GONNA SAY "THIS IS SOME ANI DIFRANCO BULLSHIT B" AND THEN I WAS LIKE "CHILL I CANT SAY THAT, I DONT KNOW WHAT ANI DIFRANCO IS." THEN I YOUTUBED IT AND NOW I CAN'T STOP FUCKIN GUFFAWING B. ALSO I JUST GOOGLE IMAGED THESE DUDES AND THEY LOOK LIKE THEY WORK AT A COMIC BOOK STORE AND TAKE THEY JOB OD SERIOUSLY. YO WHY DO OLD WHITE DUDES ALWAYS TRY TO BE ARTSY TO CONTINUE TO GET PUSSY INTO THEY OLD AGE? IS THAT THE AUTOMATIC STRATEGY? "OH SHIT I'M 53 NOW AND I LOOK LIKE AN ALCOHOLIC LESBIAN GRANDMA SO I GOTTA GET THE BAND BACK TOGETHER AND DROP AN ALBUM WITH A NONSENSICAL TITLE SO THE FRESHMAN BITCHES AT THIS WEIRD ALTERNATIVE SCHOOL WILL THINK I'M A VIABLE PENIS OPTION!" IS THAT THE THOUGHT PROCESS? I KNOW YOU NIGGAS AIN'T MAKING MUSIC FOR LONGER THAN I BEEN ALIVE "FOR THE LOVE OF MUSIC" YOU HAVE AN ULTERIOR MOTIVE AND THAT MOTIVE IS TO GET A NUBILE YOUNG WOMAN TO ALLOW YOU TO PENETRATE HER SOFT MOIST VAGINAL HOLE WITH YOUR GROSS SOGGY OLD MAN DICK. I JUST GOT DEPRESSED BECAUSE IN A FEW DECADES FROM NOW I'LL HAVE A GROSS SOGGY OLD MAN DICK. FUCK IT I'LL JUST START A BAND AND CALL MY ALBUM "ACERBIC DUCK NOVELS"
I GIVE THIS 1 PILE OF DUTCH GUTS OUT OF 5 BECAUSE IT JUST MADE ME DEPRESSED ABOUT MY MORTALITY AND THE FUTURE OF MY DICK.
STANDOUT TRACK: "SMOGGY BOY" BECAUSE "SMOGGY BOY" IS A PRETTY COOL RAP NAME OR WIFI ROUTER NAME.
Ace of Base's Secret Nazi Past
Before he founded Ace of Base, Ulf Ekberg was a member of Commit Suiside, a Nazi punk band.
Parquet Courts - "Light Up Gold Road Trip" (Full Documentary)
In this new documentary, Noisey follows rising indie rockers Parquet Courts from Mexico to Texas and London as they tour to support their debut LP, 'Light Up Gold.'
Yung Lean Doer Is the Weirdest 16-Year-Old White Swedish Rapper You'll Hear This Week
Yung Lean raps over pillow-fluffy beats and raps about glory holes and Arizona Iced Tea. Who the fuck is this kid? And why is he like this?
Adam Ant - The British Masters, Chapter 6
Noisey's John Doran talks with the great post-punk pop star Adam Ant about tribal body mods and layering tape.
Photos: Taking Acid at Coachella
When Paley sent these photos in, she included a nice little caveat over email that we've decided to reprint here in full, not only because it's too good to edit, but because her photographs of her and her weird buddies riding the snake are some of the best
R.I.P. Storm Thorgerson (1944-2013)
On Thursday, the hyper-talented graphic designer, artist, and famed album cover creator Storm Thorgerson passed away after a battle with cancer. He was 69 years old.
The Internet Is Scary
As of six months ago, my Facebook fanpage is like a dojo where hormonal teenagers hone their technique. Here is a heartfelt poem from some kid who wants to rape, kill, and marry me.
I Accidentally Touched Little Richard's Butt One Time
It was in the Detroit airport. After it happened Little Richard said, "He graze my derriere."
Listen to St. Lucia's Remix of The Colourist's "Little Games"
Last month, Cali quartet the Colourist released "Little Games," and St. Lucia just pulled a warm Balearic blanket over the whole thing, sanding away its rough edges with bright synths and lightly gated percussion.
Aaron Montaigne, Godfather of Screamo, is More Interesting Than You Can Ever Hope to Be - Part Two
On surviving combat in Iraq and Afghanistan with the help of magic, 'Bladerunner,' and everything in between.