Oh good. Forbes released their list of the top 100 most powerful celebrities and I was curious to see which musicians they chose for this very important honor, so I took a little looky-loo and was unsurprised by how nauseous their selections made me. It’s like reading xoJane and being not surprised to come across a post about someone not being able to handle their own life. Certain things are just a given.Okay, so let’s go through this list and have some thoughts:1) Jennifer Lopez
Is this because people’s grandmas probably know who she is? Does being known by townies, Walmart shoppers, and grandmas make a person powerful? I’m confused.2) Justin Bieber
I think people just like Justin Bieber so they can have a safe, still Christian way to think about lesbians.3) Rihanna
Rihanna is fucking awesome. She’s been through a lot of crap, people talk nonsense about her daily, and she’s still just like “I give nary one wet shit what you think.” This one I’m okay with.4) Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga is for aging faygos who want to be “fierce” and girls who are too insecure in their tastes and preferences to just cut out the middle man and non-stop blast Madonna. Lady Gaga is Madonna for retards. That should be her slogan. “Madonna for people who don’t know shit about shit.”5) Britney Spears
Britney Spears went legitimately crazy and then just turned right back around, wrapped some spandex around her PBR belly, and was like “Let’s do this.” I hope she outlives us all.6) Katy Perry
I had a hour-long inner monologue about whether or not I should stop being friends with one of my friends after learning that they like Katy Perry’s music. I look at Katy Perry and just see a clump of mush making a fart face like she’s trying really hard to push out a thought. I think she is 100% useless.7) Taylor Swift
I was gonna say that I don’t really have any thoughts about Taylor Swift at all, but then I remembered that she sings this one song I like. I heard it on Gossip Girl once. I don’t remember what it’s called, but it made me want to paint my nails.8) Beyonce
I can’t even type Beyonce’s name without getting a heart boner. I love her in a really real way. I want to take naps inbetween her boobs for the rest of my life.9) Elton John
I keep hearing stories about how Elton John is mean, and I’m pretty sure he’s said rude things about Madonna, so I’m really not into his life, even though “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” is one of my all-time favorite songs.10) Skrillex
There are way more musicians on this list than I thought there would be, and I’m getting tired of going through each one so I just skipped to the last page and there’s Skrillex hanging out next to Larry the Cable Guy. UGGGGGH. I literally hate EVERYONE.@wolfievibes
Advertisement
Is this because people’s grandmas probably know who she is? Does being known by townies, Walmart shoppers, and grandmas make a person powerful? I’m confused.2) Justin Bieber
I think people just like Justin Bieber so they can have a safe, still Christian way to think about lesbians.3) Rihanna
Rihanna is fucking awesome. She’s been through a lot of crap, people talk nonsense about her daily, and she’s still just like “I give nary one wet shit what you think.” This one I’m okay with.4) Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga is for aging faygos who want to be “fierce” and girls who are too insecure in their tastes and preferences to just cut out the middle man and non-stop blast Madonna. Lady Gaga is Madonna for retards. That should be her slogan. “Madonna for people who don’t know shit about shit.”5) Britney Spears
Britney Spears went legitimately crazy and then just turned right back around, wrapped some spandex around her PBR belly, and was like “Let’s do this.” I hope she outlives us all.6) Katy Perry
I had a hour-long inner monologue about whether or not I should stop being friends with one of my friends after learning that they like Katy Perry’s music. I look at Katy Perry and just see a clump of mush making a fart face like she’s trying really hard to push out a thought. I think she is 100% useless.7) Taylor Swift
I was gonna say that I don’t really have any thoughts about Taylor Swift at all, but then I remembered that she sings this one song I like. I heard it on Gossip Girl once. I don’t remember what it’s called, but it made me want to paint my nails.8) Beyonce
I can’t even type Beyonce’s name without getting a heart boner. I love her in a really real way. I want to take naps inbetween her boobs for the rest of my life.9) Elton John
I keep hearing stories about how Elton John is mean, and I’m pretty sure he’s said rude things about Madonna, so I’m really not into his life, even though “Goodbye Yellow Brick Road” is one of my all-time favorite songs.10) Skrillex
There are way more musicians on this list than I thought there would be, and I’m getting tired of going through each one so I just skipped to the last page and there’s Skrillex hanging out next to Larry the Cable Guy. UGGGGGH. I literally hate EVERYONE.@wolfievibes