A few days ago, we discovered Groupie Dirt. Noticing it hadn't been updated in quite a few years, we decided to contact our more scurrilous acquaintances to get the scoop on bedding some of today's buzziest bands.
Fun.
"We Are Young," proclaims FUN.'s car-endorsing 2012 single, but our groupie sources claim that lead singer Nate Ruess' paramours may not be able to say the same. Yep, you heard right: apparently, Nate likes them old. How old? We're not about to stoop to Betty White jokes, but let's just say he likes them "Betty Grey." (Or should we say Betty Gray?)
Animal Collective
We've got quite the dirt on these guys. For a collective, they don't seem to be too into the whole group scene. Quite the contrary; in fact, we hear from multiple sources that several members of this fauxllective are actually monogamous. If you get with one of these bad boys, you'd better be prepared for whatever flaxseed is. Rumor has it that renowned howler Panda Bear isn't a furry and has a family. Bowwowow!
Ben Gibbard
The newly-single Death Cab For Cutie frontman hasn't wasted any time in getting back into the dating scene. In fact, from what we hear, he never let his marriage to one New Girl stop him from dipping his mic into any stand that would hold it. Apparently, while Zooey was at home knitting, wearing cotton, and talking to Siri, Mr. Gibbard was out chasing tail. Blondes are his choice; think Pam Anderson, pre-reduction surgery. Now double that. One of our sources sent in this note: "The glove compartment/Isn't accurately named/Because it's where Ben keeps his Trojan Magnums/Dude loves banging in cars." Vroom!
Odd Future Wolf Gang Kill Them All
From what we hear, it's more like Odd Future Wolf Gang Kiss Them All. With songs like Tyler the Creator's "Bitch Suck Dick," these boys might act tough, but they're sweeties at heart. Groupies have told us that a night with OFWGKTA usually ends in one sort of waterworks or another (and sometimes both!). If you're looking for a night of watching skate videos, Slurpees, and sensitive boys, you could do worse than OFWGKTA. SUPREME!
Mount Eerie/The Microphones
Field recordings aren't the only "field" things Phil Elverum is into. Several groupies have also told us he loves the outdoors. By which we mean: he makes loves outdoors (by which we mean: he does sex in fields). While no one's quite sure why Phil decided to change his name from "Elvrum" to "Elverum," one source suggests that it's because he wanted to let ladies know that they're in for some superfluous length, if you know what we're getting at! ;-) Mr. Elverum is known for being quite the wordsmith. We hear he regularly sends his flings text messages like, "Do you have any melancholic longing in you? No? Well, do you want some? ;-0" ~pond sounds~ HOWL!
Skrillex
We know what you're wondering, and yes, the carpet matches the drapes. From what we hear, Skrillex is a little guy who packs a big punch. And no, not in a Chris Brown sort of way. Our groupie sources tell us that Skrillex has all the bass you can handle. And he's quite the generous lover–rest assured, you won't be left waiting for the drop. WOMP WOMP WOMP!
Lana Del Rey
Virgin.
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Ace of Base's Secret Nazi Past
Before he founded Ace of Base, Ulf Ekberg was a member of Commit Suiside, a Nazi punk band.
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Parquet Courts - "Light Up Gold Road Trip" (Full Documentary)
In this new documentary, Noisey follows rising indie rockers Parquet Courts from Mexico to Texas and London as they tour to support their debut LP, 'Light Up Gold.'
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Yung Lean Doer Is the Weirdest 16-Year-Old White Swedish Rapper You'll Hear This Week
Yung Lean raps over pillow-fluffy beats and raps about glory holes and Arizona Iced Tea. Who the fuck is this kid? And why is he like this?
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Adam Ant - The British Masters, Chapter 6
Noisey's John Doran talks with the great post-punk pop star Adam Ant about tribal body mods and layering tape.
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Photos: Taking Acid at Coachella
When Paley sent these photos in, she included a nice little caveat over email that we've decided to reprint here in full, not only because it's too good to edit, but because her photographs of her and her weird buddies riding the snake are some of the best
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R.I.P. Storm Thorgerson (1944-2013)
On Thursday, the hyper-talented graphic designer, artist, and famed album cover creator Storm Thorgerson passed away after a battle with cancer. He was 69 years old.
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The Internet Is Scary
As of six months ago, my Facebook fanpage is like a dojo where hormonal teenagers hone their technique. Here is a heartfelt poem from some kid who wants to rape, kill, and marry me.
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I Accidentally Touched Little Richard's Butt One Time
It was in the Detroit airport. After it happened Little Richard said, "He graze my derriere."
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Listen to St. Lucia's Remix of The Colourist's "Little Games"
Last month, Cali quartet the Colourist released "Little Games," and St. Lucia just pulled a warm Balearic blanket over the whole thing, sanding away its rough edges with bright synths and lightly gated percussion.
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Aaron Montaigne, Godfather of Screamo, is More Interesting Than You Can Ever Hope to Be - Part Two
On surviving combat in Iraq and Afghanistan with the help of magic, 'Bladerunner,' and everything in between.
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