Ali Koehler (Vivian Girls/Best Coast) and I, up to our armpits in the Twilight saga.
This morning, I was almost finished writing a lengthy diatribe against Chik-Fil-A when I received some devastating news that requires all of our immediate attention:
Kristen Stewart has cheated on Robert Pattinson.
OK, the news came out last week. But for those of you who've been busy dealing with real life, let me remind you that this is the famous vampire couple from the Twilight movies. According to the Internet, Kristen got caught making out with the director of the Snow White movie (that she starred in). I've always been a huge fan of the Twilight saga, and if only I'd checked my email a bit sooner, I might have been able to help:
|
Dear Kickball Katy, I would love some advice on a problem I am dealing with right now in my love life. For the past few years, I have been seriously dating a guy, let's call him Johnny. And yes, he is a vampire. I know what you're going to say, they are all cold, emotionless, deadly, yadda yadda. But I tried to look past all of that and see him for who he really was, a 106 year old man in a totally hot teenage body. Anyways, I eventually decided to let him "turn me," and now I totally regret it! It's only been 3 years and I'm not into him anymore, how are we supposed to stay together literally forever?! I don't even know how I feel about monogamy… Any advice? xo Lost in Time |
The letter goes on and on, but you get the idea. Kristen was obviously unhappy, and she let it all explode in a "momentary indiscretion." Letting your boyfriend turn you into a vampire is like letting him give you the worst STD ever, and then isolating yourself because you think no one else will ever love you. That is NOT TRUE, there are other people out there (vampire and human alike) for whom being a bloodthirsty immortal is not a deal breaker. You just have to put yourself out there, maybe put up some dating ads online, and bide your time (there is a lot of it) until someone right one comes along. Perhaps you and Johnny were approaching this entirely wrong, and a paranormal "open relationship" would be more your speed. I've had friends who were having troubles until they invited a werewolf or two into their bedroom, and it really spiced things up again!
Whatever you do, just make sure you only "let the right one in" to your heart from now on.
If anyone else is seeking advice, feel free to email me at iamkatygoodman@gmail.com.
Previously - Gotye & Minimalist Footwear
You should listen to all of Katy's music - she's in the Vivian Girls and La Sera. La Sera's Sees The Light is out now on Hardly Art - you can pick it up right here. Follow her Twitter too: @iamkatygoodman
-
Ace of Base's Secret Nazi Past
Before he founded Ace of Base, Ulf Ekberg was a member of Commit Suiside, a Nazi punk band.
-
Parquet Courts - "Light Up Gold Road Trip" (Full Documentary)
In this new documentary, Noisey follows rising indie rockers Parquet Courts from Mexico to Texas and London as they tour to support their debut LP, 'Light Up Gold.'
-
Yung Lean Doer Is the Weirdest 16-Year-Old White Swedish Rapper You'll Hear This Week
Yung Lean raps over pillow-fluffy beats and raps about glory holes and Arizona Iced Tea. Who the fuck is this kid? And why is he like this?
-
Adam Ant - The British Masters, Chapter 6
Noisey's John Doran talks with the great post-punk pop star Adam Ant about tribal body mods and layering tape.
-
Photos: Taking Acid at Coachella
When Paley sent these photos in, she included a nice little caveat over email that we've decided to reprint here in full, not only because it's too good to edit, but because her photographs of her and her weird buddies riding the snake are some of the best
-
R.I.P. Storm Thorgerson (1944-2013)
On Thursday, the hyper-talented graphic designer, artist, and famed album cover creator Storm Thorgerson passed away after a battle with cancer. He was 69 years old.
-
The Internet Is Scary
As of six months ago, my Facebook fanpage is like a dojo where hormonal teenagers hone their technique. Here is a heartfelt poem from some kid who wants to rape, kill, and marry me.
-
I Accidentally Touched Little Richard's Butt One Time
It was in the Detroit airport. After it happened Little Richard said, "He graze my derriere."
-
Listen to St. Lucia's Remix of The Colourist's "Little Games"
Last month, Cali quartet the Colourist released "Little Games," and St. Lucia just pulled a warm Balearic blanket over the whole thing, sanding away its rough edges with bright synths and lightly gated percussion.
-
Aaron Montaigne, Godfather of Screamo, is More Interesting Than You Can Ever Hope to Be - Part Two
On surviving combat in Iraq and Afghanistan with the help of magic, 'Bladerunner,' and everything in between.
NOW PLAYING ON YOUTUBE
Comments