Features

Fuck, Marry, Kill: Jay-Z, Ed Sheeran and Kasabian's Serge

By Omar Katerji

Asking the Hackney crowd whose genitalia they would prefer to fondle.

It was the Radio 1 Hackney Weekend last weekend. Basically, I think it was some contrived event based around The Olympics and possibly, the riots. Anyway, we celebrated by asking who, out of the three biggest gentlemen stars on show, would the audience fuck, marry, and kill? Jay Z, Ed Sheeran, or Kasabian #lad, Sergio Pizzorno?

Rowena, 22, London

Noisey: Hi Rowena, Who would you fuck, marry and kill out of Ed Sheeran, Jay-Z and Serge from Kasabian?
Rowena: I’d fuck Kasabian all at the same time, marry Ed Sheerian…

Ed "Sheerian"?

Haha, Ed Sheerian. Yes, and I’d kill… Jay-Z. Cos I’d be a legend.

That seems pretty harsh, what about Blue Cantrel, or whatever his baby is called?

OK, fair enough, I take it back, he can join in on the Kasabian gang-bang.

Something about this gang-bang is making me sad. You really want a gang-bang with Jay Z and Kasabian? Think of the smell. Why would you want to marry Ed Sheeran?

He's just like a ginger cutey that looks like he needs a cuddle and he likes babies. He can sing to me. He’d be a stable husband cos I’m hotter than him.

Vicky, 23 and Gabrielle, 25, London

Noisey: Hey guys, who would you fuck…
Gabrielle: Professor Green. Professor Green!

I haven’t even finished the question yet.
Gabrielle: I don’t care. Pro Green.

Right. Well thanks for that. But the question is who would you fuck, marry or kill out of Ed Sheeran, Jay-Z and Serge from Kasabian?
Gabrielle: None
Vicky: Who? Ed. I’d marry Ed. Nah, I’d marry Jay-Z, fuck Ed Sheeran. And the other one, whatever.

Kill him?
Vicky: Yeah.

What has Serge ever done to you?
Vicky: I don’t know who he is.

He's the Leicester Monkey. From Kasabian.
Gabrielle: I’ve heard of them, but he always looks out of his nut, so he’s no good to me. Why are we even talking to you?

I was asking myself that same question. Why would you marry Jay-Z?
Vicky: He’s rich.

Is that all you need in a man?
Vicky: Yeah, he’s not a good looking bloke, he’s just rich.

Fair enough.

Esther, 19, Bristol.

Noisey: If you had to fuck, marry and kill one of Jay-Z, Ed Sheeran, and Serge from Kasabian, who would you choose?
Esther: Well I’d fuck Jay-Z coz he’s fit. He’s alright isn’t he? He’ll do.

Who would you marry?

Ed Sheeran cos he sings nicely about people, right.

So, why would you fuck Jay-Z over marrying Ed Sheeran?

Cos Jay-Z would be... a bit better.

Are you slighting ginger people?

Yeah. Fuck em, who cares right? Then I’d kill the other one cos I don’t know who he is.

You don’t know Serge from Kasabian, so you'd kill him?

Yeh, I don’t care.

Alright, chillout.

Danny, 20, Carlisle.

Who would you fuck, marry and kill out of Jay-Z, Ed Sheeran and Serge from Kasabian?
I’d probably fuck Serge. He’s like middle fitness compared to the others though, because Ed Sheeran is just dirty.

So you’d murder him for being the least attractive?

Kill him. Don’t even think about it, just kill him.

Then you’d marry Jay-Z?

Yeh defo, I am Beyonce essentially. One step down, me or Beyonce, he asked me but I was unavailable at the time so he chose Bey instead.

Georgia, 16, Berkshire.

Noisey: Hi Georgia. Can I have a chip? Who would you fuck, marry and kill out of Jay-Z, Ed Sheeran and Serge from Kasabian?
Georgia: Ed Sheeran, because I love gingers. I’d marry Jay-Z. And yes, you can have a chip.

What is it about people with ginger hair that you love?

They're just really hot. They are original, there aren’t many gingers so it’s kind of cool.

Why would you marry Jay-Z?

Because he has such swagger.

What is swagger?

I don’t know, he can just get on a stage and entertain a crowd really well.

And Serge doesn't have swagger so you'd kill him?

Yeah.

Letty, 21, London

Noisey: Who would you marry out of Jay-Z, Kasabian’s Sergio Pizzorno, and ginger crooner Ed Sheeran?
Letty: Jay-Z, gotta marry Jay-Z. Just look at Beyonce, if I’m anything like Beyonce I’d like to marry Jay-Z. Have you seen this booty?

Yes, he certainly has one. So who would you kill?

I’m killing Ed Sheeran because I’ve got red hair, and if we both had babies then our children would get bullied from day one.

Then you’d fuck Serge then?

Yeah, which is great because he's a rockstar and I want to fuck a rockstar. Hypothetically...

Anna, 25, Streatham.

Noisey: Ed Sheeran, Jay-Z and Serge from Kasabian – who would you fuck, who would you marry and who would you kill?
Anna: I’d probably fuck Jay-Z because he’s such a bad boy and he’s got it going on. He’s such a big man.

And who would you marry?

I’d probably marry Serge actually, he’s a bit of a wildcard. I think he’d be up for cooking me a bit of dinner.

So if Ed was stood there asking you to marry him you’d stab him in his cherubic face?

Well, he has got a bit of a baby face and I can’t tolerate babies. I don’t want to get the Pampers out, do you know what I’m saying?

Not entirely. Thanks though!