FINALLY... Someone's Beaten Up Justin BieberBy Stuart Heritage
Good news! Justin Bieber has now reached the stage in his career where a music video is no longer a music video. It’s a fucking epic. An epic full of ACTING and DRAMA and NARRATIVE. Oh sure, Bieber has hinted at this direction before with the "Baby" video (plot: Justin Bieber plays on an X-Box, then dicks around on a BMX, then sort of just stands around making a succession of dim-witted gang signs, with his stupid unformed foetus hands) but now he's taking it seriously. This is the "As Long As You Love Me" video and truly, the thing is huge, like Anna Karenina x The Dark Knight Rises huge.
Here’s Justin Bieb... HEY, this isn’t Justin Bieber at ALL. It’s Michael Madsen, who’s agreed to appear in this video because there’s a gap in his schedule between Celebrity Big Brother and, oh I dunno, Animals Do The Funniest Shits or whatever.
In the video, Madsen plays the father of Justin Bieber’s girlfriend. He’s unimpressed that Justin Bieber is his daughter’s boyfriend because, well, he’s Justin Bieber. Imagine Justin Bieber coming round your house for tea, squeaking and bumping into things and not knowing what a fork is or anything. It’d be awful. So, quite rightly, Madsen warns Justin Bieber off.
This is Justin Bieber looking hurt, by the way. Or defiant. Or resentful. Or thoughtful. Or happy. Or sad. Look, I don’t know.
This is Justin Bieber’s reaction to Madsen’s threats. He grabs his girlfriend, looks her straight in the eye and says “Look, apparently I’m old enough to drive a car now - even though that’s PLAINLY INEXPLICABLE - so what's say we both run away together?”. His girlfriend thinks this over, looks Justin Bieber back in the eye, and says quite tenderly...
So Justin Bieber shows his girlfriend what life would be like on the run with him. Largely, it’d be full of really poor Elvis impersonations.
And almost-kissing. Plenty of almost-kissing. No actual kissing, obviously, because then millions of shrieking pubeless knicker-wetters would seek out the actress playing Justin Bieber’s girlfriend, and pull her lips off. But almost-kissing is just as good.
However, Michael Madsen finds them and cuts the fairytale short with his fists. “THIS is for doing a shitty Elvis impression at my daughter” Madsen snarls as he punches Bieber in the face.
“And THIS is for calling Indonesia ‘some random country’ once”, he yells as he pummels Bieber again. “And THIS is for not understanding what a 'German' is. And THIS is for providing a song for the soundtrack to the Karate Kid remake. And THIS is for your questionable views on rape and abortion. And THIS is for that woman who pretended that you got her pregnant. And THIS is for "Baby". And THIS is for that fucking haircut.” On and on the beating goes. It’s senseless. It’s brutal. It’s tragic.
But it has provided me with my new desktop wallpaper so, really, what can you do?
Follow Stuart on Twitter @StuHeritage
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