Euro 2012's Most Predictable Soundtrack Cliches

With few exceptions, football punditry is basically a set of cliches which the writers arrange like fridge magnets, no matter what the subject. This banality even invades the choices of music they use to soundtrack the montage sequences we love so dearly.

As soon as Oasis released "Stop Crying Your Heart Out" it was kinda inevitable that it was going to be used on a requiem for England's 2002 World Cup campaign, against endless slow-mo shots of men blubbering into a St George's flag. So, with a major tournament apparently just starting, we thought we'd speculate which songs will be synced to within an inch of their lives in this year's coverage.

The Event: The pre-tournament build up.

Lineker's Link: "Hello and welcome to the BBC's coverage of Euro 2012. Or should I say "DOH-brihy dehn, PROH-shoo." Alan Shearer laughs to his left, because Ukranian just sounds like nonsense to a no-nonsense northern fella like 'im.

The Montage: Well it's in Ukraine and Poland, hardly the birthplace of "samba football", so most likely it'll be a series of hard crunching tackles and shoving competitions between some of Europe's baddest boys. Close-ups of Slovakian centre-backs stoically mumbling their national anthems, interspersed with the occasional Scott Parker scowl.

The song they'll probably use: Something stern and militaristic sounding from a Russian composer, maybe Prokofiev's "Dance Of The Knights" from his Romeo And Juliet ballet (also known as the theme-tune to The Apprentice, for the plebs).

The song they should use: "All The Things She Said" by t.A.T.u. Alright, I know they're Russian, but recognizable pop music is pretty thin on the ground in this part of the world. There's an expective drama to it, would time well to lots of mud splattering slide tackles and oomphing headers.

The Event: England's eventual and unsurprising semi-controversial exit in the quarters.

Lineker's Link: "As always, England expected, and when England expects… well, things don't always go to plan."

The Montage: Rooney stood, hands on hips, looking down at the penalty spot ruefully, sweat dripping from his new-ish locks, Terry sat on the floor with his head between his knees as Frank Lampard pats him affectionately on the back, plastic-hatted England fans alternating between grimacing and holding back tears. Replays of THAT offside decision, THAT handball, THAT lack of creativity within the final third throughout the tournament.

The Song They'll Probably Use: Tradition dictates that it'll be something from this year, and it's got to have the right balance of maudlin and dignified. Which means "Born To Die" by Lana Del Rey is surely the only choice. Plus it'll make Lineker look hip next time he's on the golf course with Lawro.

The Song They Should Use: "Loser" by Beck, it's time to stop this gallant "we gave it our best" tub-thumping bullshit. When England go out, it's usually because of laziness, apathy and disorganization, and we need a self deprecating slacker anthem to reflect that.

The Event: A well-loved evergreen striker surprises everyone by winning the Golden Boot award.

Lineker's Link: "As always, we've seen a glut of great goals, great games, and great players, but one stood head and shoulders above everyone else. Some thought he was past his prime but he's proved everyone wrong… and no, before you ask, it's not Alan ;-)"

The Montage: Slow-motion netbuster after slow-motion netbuster: Headers, volleys, backheels, jinking solo runs. The goalie picking the ball out of the net whilst the scorer slides off the pitch, veins bulging in pure joy. Blurry shots of the crowd rising as one, as yet another goal is scored. The striker kissing the camera. The striker doing a victory lap with his adorable daughter on his shoulders as even the opposition fans begrudgingly applaud his magnanimity.

The Song They'll Probably Use: "Someone Like You" by Adele. Even though it's a bit past it's sell by date to most of us, to football montage producers it's like a never decaying jar of Marmite in the cupboard, except they think everybody loves it. The song's themes of loss and irreplaceability will no doubt resonate with any team staring down the barrel of an international retirement.

The Song They Should Use: "Never Fade Away" by Spector (Stirring, magisterial, on-trend, but still probably a bit too obscure to get on the MOTD boy's radar just yet).

The Event: The 'comedy' highlights package they broadcast before or after the final of the tournament.

Lineker's Link: "As always, it's not just been about the football: these competitions are a chance to get together as a continent, to share cultures, to break down barriers…and, well, to cock it up a bit."

The Montage: Ostensibly a collection of grossly exaggerated cultural stereotypes interspersed with rogue air-kicks, two-yard misses, refs being hit in the head, a soft shot bobbling between Joe Hart's legs, an over-excited German fan spilling beer on himself after a near-miss, someone in the crowd being hit in the head, a few elaborate goal celebrations, a manager doing a few tricks when the ball crosses the touchline, another shot of the ref getting hit in the head.

The Song They'll Probably Use: "Sexy And I Know It" by LMFAO. It works on two levels, one for the actual sexy shots of buxom Swedish girls picked out by pervy camermen (no doubt on the behest of Lineker) and for ironic purposes when juxtaposed against some beer-bellied brute from Dagenham doing the Macarena.

The Song They Should Use: The theme tune to One Foot In The Grave, that shit can make natural disaster camera phone footage funny.

(Of course there's a wealth more we could have gone into ("I Predict A Riot" for historically contentious grudge matches, "Sunchyme" by Dario G for just about any team who don't play the long ball game. But I'll leave the football forum frequenters to discuss it in that level of depth).

So next time you're sat in front of a three hour build up, don't go out to get beers in while the montages are on, chances are they'll be better than the actual games.

Follow Clive on Twitter @thugclive

Follow Josh on Twitter @bain3z