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Music

DVS Runs Through His Favorite Things, Both Musical and Non-Musical, of 2014

Including musical soda, beatdown breakdowns in Game of Thrones-influenced metal songs, and the phrase "Peaky Blinders."
D
by DVS

In the course of my many nefarious adventures, I am often the target of questionry from countrymen and well-wishers alike. “DVS,” they say “the fuck is good with DVTV?” (It's done and coming soon, MOTHERRRRRRR); “What's it like to be so handsome?” (It's rough, officer. Now if you’ll excuse me.). Etc. However, the spicy inquiry I am MOST deluged with is “What are some things from 2014 that were good, and/or nice?” Which shows me y'all weren’t paying attention. YOU WERE HERE TOO. THIS WOULD BE FINE IF YOU WERE A NEWLY-MANUFACTURED BABY BUT PROBABLY YOU ARENT EVEN. IUNNO, I DON'T GOT MY GLASSES ON. I DON'T EVEN *OWN* A GLASSES. But nah nah I get it, I gotta do eeeeeverything. So fine.

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2014 was a year rich in history. Events happened, as did weather and noises. Personally, I underwent many rich buttery changes as a human. Completing the transitional process of going from “A guy walking around in the year 2013“ to “Doing the same thing except everyone said the year name different” was especially wild. But this isn’t about me (like sure, everything is, but lets pretend I have a tie on and say things like that).

BEST MUSICIAN-MADE DRINK OF 2014 - Vamp

This came down to the wire. If you interacted with me in the fleshrealm at any point this year, you no doubt expect me to bestow my “GOLD SIPPERS CHAMPIONSHIP” award upon Mariah Carey’s Butterfly drink. And with good reason. The bottle is shaped like something the Real Housewives Of A Place would drink at a “charity” "event."

I immediately deduced that this marketing was cleverly designed to keep me FAR away from the drink, because it was TOO DELICIOUS and they wanted to keep it a secret. Except I’m not an idiot, so NICE TRY NARCS. It's delicious and tastes like if a millionaire made Kool-Aid. Which is basically is what happened. Except Mariah is gutted cuz last week I ran into a bottle of VAMP, which changed the game. Vamp is a vampire-oriented soda made by Jim Jones in collaboration with the beloved chums at Top Pop. If you were a broke hooligan such as myself growing up in NYC you already know Top Pop was the 2nd in command in the 50 cent soda army only behind the unshakeable gods Tropical Fantasy. Now however, Top Pop sits poised to grab at the throne with this red-tasting elixir that begs you to “VAMP UP” on the label. It's so good I’m making it an exception to my rule where I “hate drinks that try to tell me to do things that I already know to do and am always doing anyway.”

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BEST BREAKDOWN OF 2014 - Unleash The Archers' “General Of The Dark Army”

When I was a wee bairn/a mere yoot, nothing was tougher than beatdown music. A semi-official subgenre of metal-influenced hardcore, beatdown was mainly different in that the breakdowns (also called “dance parts" or “beatdown parts" where the song stopped on a dime and doubled-down to a basic guitar and drumline) aimed to be as bare-bones and simplistic as they were violence-inducing. Taking its name from the song “Beatdown” by Bulldoze, beatdown was musical angeldust. When the breakdowns were happening, LAWS DID NOT APPLY TO YOU AND YOU WERE INVINCIBLE. NOW. PUNCH. EVERYONE. Songs like Shattered Realm’s “All Will Suffer,” 36 Deadly Fists’ “Visions,” Through the Discipline’s “Quit Life,” and
Irate’s “CPR” (among many others) WILL GET YOU SENT YOU TO JAIL AND YOU WON'T CARE.

Recently, in a wax-soaked haze (where I do all my best research), I found Unleash The Archers’ “General of The Dark Army.” This is a 75,000 year-long Game of Thrones-metal song about a spoooooky knight. No. I know. I feel you. That's how I felt also. AND the singer keeps doing Backstreet Boys arms in the video. Shit was getting entirely too “The King and I” for me to stand when, out of nowhere, at about the 5:00-5:10 mark, THE TOUGHEST BREAKDOWN IN RECENT HISTORY HAPPENS. LISTEN TO IT RIGHT NOW. DID YOU WAKE UP AT YOUR ARRAIGNMENT FOR MURDER? THEN LISTEN AGAIN. They trick you by leading into it with some real Gilbert and Sullivan-ass rigmarole, which only makes the payoff better. Now I know what you’re thinking. “DVS, THIS CAME OUT IN 2012…2012 isn't 2014“. Which WOULD be true…EXCEPT GUESS WHAT KIND OF CIRCLE TIME IS, YOU FUCK….YEAH EXACTLY. YEAH, YOU’RE WELCOME.

BEST “TV SHOW ON COMPUTER ABOUT A GUY WHO HAS A RAZOR SEWN INTO HIS HAT AND ALSO THE GUY WAS SCARECROW IN BATMAN” OF 2014 - Peaky Blinders

Peaky Blinders is a whirlwind of a BBC/Netflix Original show that tells the tale of a magical universe called “England” wherein Cillian Murphy does crime with his hardscrabble pals. One reason you should watch this is that it is fun to say “Peaky Blinders.” Another reason is on account of its goodness. The first reason really gets you though. See, you’re saying it now. I know all about you.