After the jillion slutty cat outfits, there's bound to be some geniuses working the dead-Whitney this Halloween. Too soon guys, too soon. And if I see anyone I know dressed up "Gangnam Style", I will single-handedly 1990s-high-school-movie ruin their life for the rest of the year.
So, please don’t be one of those people. Why not be one of these people instead?
Curvy Ginger With Retro Sensibilities That Sings Really Loudly (Assorted)
Depending how much you’ve been eating or not eating lately you can apply the same winged eyeliner/large hair/kicky 50s dress to dress as Ella Henderson off the X Factor, Adele or Pregnant Adele. As a bonus you can reuse this look at Christmas parties, depending on how comfortable you are being told that you look like “a fit Adele” by well-intentioned total idiots.
Give a child some Kool-Aid, safety scissors and a healthy imagination, then tell them to go cray on your head-suit. Then cover yourself in PVA glue and jump into a charity shop donation bin (lulz, luv u really Grimes). Upon arrival, speak a bit of French through a synthesizer. MONTR-EEE-AAALLL!
Lana Del Rey
Stick some flowers in your hair and shuffle non-committally around the room not making eye contact with anyone or speaking above a post-orgasmic whisper. Everyone should be annoyed by your presence but not enough to ask you to leave. During a lull in the festivities pop into your hostess’ bedroom and try on a few of her sweaters with a vacant expression.
Wear 90% nothing, most of the time preparing for the evening should be spent decorating your six inch nail extensions with tiny dollar bill signs. Wiggle your tits for good measure. Be the best fucking person in the world. Oh, whut, you can see areola? Like I give a fuck. (But, please, for the love of Christ book in a Hollywood wax before hand.)
Pop on some graduation robes and talk about your feelings. Head over to the drinks table, grope a girl’s ass without asking, while telling her how much you respect women...then talk about your feelings. If anyone at the party is using crutches or a wheelchair, spend a lot of time relating to them about how you’ve “been there dog” and talk abut your feelings. But NEVER mention Degrassi.
Only half dress up because you couldn’t decide whether or not the event was worth your time. Show up late but with a harem of yuppies who are VERY excited to be there with you. Be suuuuch a dickhead about the food on offer, and ask everyone whether or not they have considered the fact that meat is murder. If someone tries to go home with you, shout something about your fourth gender and dance off into the night in a flurry of gladioli and vaguely racist throwaway comments.
Kanye West As An Ancient Egyptian Pharaoh
I mean, there's no doubt that Yeezy gets reeeally into status-costumes at Halloween. You can complete the look by Tweeting stuff like: "#REALKINGOFEGYPT", "HOW HARD IS IT TO GET A QUALITY OBELISK? SOLID MARBLE Y’ALL" and "MY BABY KIM BATHING IN ASS(es) MILK #LUXURY". Optional: Kardashian-a-like date, dressed as Cleopatra with an adder hanging off one jug.
Party EXTREMELY hard. Wear all-white everything and spray your clothes with blood, it doesn't matter whose blood, let's not waste time with specifics. Party tip: believe in yourself.
The Various Stages Of Britney Spears’ Career
Schoolgirl Britney for your slutty friend. "Oops I Did It Again" red pleather camel-toe unitard Britney for an up-for-it male friend. Pregnant Cheetos Britney for you, because let’s be real, any excuse to carry a bag of Cheetos around a party and wear no bra is a good one. Shaved head and barefoot in the gas station Britney for your least hygienic friend. Sad-faced, listless stripper "Gimme More" comeback performance Britney for your friend on the rebound. "Toxic" Britney for your multiple personality friend. Meanie X Factor Britney for the friend who’s coming from their real person job and is too lazy to put a real costume on.
Literally Any Boy Band Right Now
Go to Topshop. Buy clothes. Leave Topshop. You’re ready!