Drake's Reaction to Making Out with Madonna Is Somehow Both Beautiful and Horrifying

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Have you made out with someone and regretted it immediately afterward? You're a human being, so I'm betting the answer is yes. The immediate regret is more commonplace when, during the formative years, tongues are twisted around the detritus of Quavers, pickled onion Monster Munch, and other sensory abusive snackware, but less frequent when you reach adult age and start brushing your teeth. That's not to say it doesn't happen though. Sometimes make outs are fuelled with regret because they weren't meant to happen and dude won't stop assaulting your phone; other times they're propagated by morning breath and the smell of a Marlboro factory burning down. But throughout my making out adventures, I've never seen anyone react to a kiss like Champagne Papi, human-meme, lint-rolling enthusiast Drake.

Yesterday, in the middle of his set at Coachella, Madonna arrived to perform "Human Nature" and "Hung Up" and things were going so well she decided to plant a slobbering kiss on his mouth. (A suggestion that was clearly planted by Noisey when we interviewed Madonna last month and suggested she date Drake.)

It looked great! Drake had been elevated to Britney Spears level status. But then Madonna pulled away and this happened.

Listen, I've had some slammers, some snogs that've tasted like an embryonic bird has been left to perspire under someone's tongue, but never have I reacted with immediate and horrified recoil. It looks like Madonna went full Dementor on his respiratory system.

I don't get it though. What happened? This is the most offensive reaction to a kiss I've ever seen. Does Madonna actually keep embryonic baby-birds under her tongue? I don't think so. Maybe she blew in his mouth? Drake does look real upset, like making out with Madonna is the most harrowing experience he's encountered, but a short, sharp, mouth-blow can be kinda fun. It's a great recreational activity. Try it sometime!

The only thing I'm getting from this, to be quite honest, is that Drake's even more of a soft and precocious manchild than we first imagined. I mean, imagine a reaction gif of him spilling ketchup on his shirt.

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