[Ed. Note: The Kid Mero is a Bronx-based writer and comedian specializing in #KNOWLEDGEDARTS and #COKEDREAMS. Most importantly, he's our new Reviews Editor over at Noisey. He sent us an all-caps email threatening to "GENTLY KARATE CHOP [US] IN THE BREAST" if we changed any part of his reviews, so we'll be running them unedited on a daily basis from here on out.]
*MAKES A MEAN FACE* YO THIS IS SERIOUS MEAN FACE MUSIC. NAHMEAN LIKE HOW WRESTLERS COME INTO THE RING AND MAKE THAT WILD COMICAL MEANMUG? YOU GOTTA GROW YOUR HAIR OUT WILD LONG AND STYLE IT WITH CRISCO SHORTENING NAHMEAN GET THAT VERY GREASY UNKEMPT EFFECT THEN DRAPE IT IN FRONT OF YOUR FACIAL LIKE A MEAN WIZARD METAL CURTAIN OF DOOM. I'D PROLLY DO SOME SORCERY TO THIS SHIT MY NIGGA. I COULD PROBABLY REALLY EMOTIVELY STIR A CAULDRON TO THIS SHIT WHILE I GRIMACE. THIS GUY SOUNDED KINDA LIKE OZZY IN THE BEGINNING OF THE FIRST SONG THEN HE SOUNDS LIKE A LITTLE BABY GOBLIN THROWING A TANTRUM. THEN THE REST OF THE ALBUM SOUNDS LIKE THE NIGGA IS DOING KARAOKE. THIS IS HARDCORE RIGHT? YO YOU KNOW WHAT? I WAS NOT EXPECTING THIS NIGGA TO SOUND LIKE A TEENAGER ON 3 XANAX READING BACK MY BURGER KING ORDER. EVERYTIME SOMEONE IS LIKE "OH THIS IS A GREAT HARDCORE BAND" I EXPECT THE LEAD SINGER TO SOUND LIKE A FAT WILD BOAR NIGGA VOMITING ROOFING NAILS. THIS GUY SOUNDS VERY BORED. THIS IS THE FIRST EVER BOREDNIGGACORE ALBUM!! CONGRATULATIONS CORROSION OF CONFORMITY FOR BREAKING NEW GROUND IN THE WORLD OF MUSIC B.
I GIVE THIS 3 PILES OF DUTCH GUTS OUT OF 5 BECAUSE THESE NIGGAS' BAND NAME IS TOO SERIOUS B. IF YOU COME UP WITH A BAND NAME THAT SOUNDS WILD CORNY IT HAS TO BE A JOKE LIKE "PUKE GANG RAIDERS" OR SOME SHIT. CORROSION OF CONFORMITY SOUNDS LIKE A BOOK BY A PHD LESBIAN WITH OD STATISTICS IN IT ABOUT THE MISTREAMENT OF WOMEN IN GOVERNMENT OR SOME OTHER BULLSHIT THAT WOULD MAKE ME HANG MYSELF WITH A BIKE CHAIN.
STANDOUT TRACK: THE JOINT WHERE HE WAS LIKE "EEEYYWHASAYAAAYYY YUREEEEYYEEEE" OH THATS EVERY SONG OH AIGHT.
Want more Kid Mero? Of course you do! Check his author page for more #KNOWLEDGE.
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