[Ed. Note: The Kid Mero is a Bronx-based writer and comedian specializing in #KNOWLEDGEDARTS and #COKEDREAMS. Most importantly, he's our new Reviews Editor over at Noisey. He sent us an all-caps email threatening to "GENTLY KARATE CHOP [US] IN THE BREAST" if we changed any part of his reviews, so we'll be running them unedited on a daily basis from here on out.]
THIS DUDE DOES "I'M THINKING ABOUT KILLING MYSELF" SOUNDTRACKS FOR MOVIES PROBABLY RIGHT? LIKE IN EVERY MOVIE WHERE SOMEBODY IS ABOUT TO KILL THEY SELF AND THEY NEED AMBIENT SUICIDE MUSIC THIS IS THE DUDE YOU GOTTA CALL AND BE LIKE "YO LEMME GET SOME SPARSE KEYS AND SPACEY SYNTH SHIT TO REALLY GET THE MESSAGE ACROSS THAT THIS NIGGA BEING PORTRAYED IS THINKING ABOUT KILLING HIS SELF." I WENT TO PICK MY SON UP FROM DAYCARE EARLY ONCE AND THEY WERE PLAYING THIS SHIT AT NAPPY TIME. THIS IS NAPPY TIME HEROIN MUSIC B I CAN'T PROLLY EVEN GET PUSSY TO THIS UNLESS I GO TO ART SCHOOL. YO I'MA PRODUCE A FILM THAT IS JUST A SHOT OF WATER SLOWLY DRIPPING OFF A LEAF ON A DREARY DAY AND THIS IS THE NIGGA THATS GONNA DO THE SOUNDTRACK POW I JUST WON 6 OSCARS BITCH. THIS IS THE TYPE OF MUSIC THAT NIGGAS TALK ABOUT IN JARGON LIKE "THE CREATIVE CHALLENGE OF THESE PIECES IS NOT LOST IN THE FACT THAT THEY ARE NON ABTRUSIVE THEY MERELY ARE JUST THAT, MUSICALITY AND THOUGHT." NAHMEAN THAT'S HOW MY REVIEW WOULD READ IF I NEVER NOT ONCE ENTERED A WOMAN'S VAGINAL CANAL WITH MY PP. LUCKILY FOR YOU I GET PUSSY LIKE RACHEL MADDOW.
I GIVE THIS 4 PILES OF DUTCH GUTS OUT OF 5 BECAUSE BRIAN ENO IS UPON THE ELEMENTS, HE IS THE CONSENTION OF FORWARD THOUGHT IN INSTRUMENTATION AND VIABILITY OF SOUND.
STANDOUT TRACK: YO THIS NIGGA HAD THE CAUCACITY TO GIVE ALL THE JOINTS ON THIS SHIT THE SAME NAME. *SWIFTLY ROUNDHOUSES THIS NIGGA IN THE THORAX*
-
Ace of Base's Secret Nazi Past
Before he founded Ace of Base, Ulf Ekberg was a member of Commit Suiside, a Nazi punk band.
-
Parquet Courts - "Light Up Gold Road Trip" (Full Documentary)
In this new documentary, Noisey follows rising indie rockers Parquet Courts from Mexico to Texas and London as they tour to support their debut LP, 'Light Up Gold.'
-
Yung Lean Doer Is the Weirdest 16-Year-Old White Swedish Rapper You'll Hear This Week
Yung Lean raps over pillow-fluffy beats and raps about glory holes and Arizona Iced Tea. Who the fuck is this kid? And why is he like this?
-
Adam Ant - The British Masters, Chapter 6
Noisey's John Doran talks with the great post-punk pop star Adam Ant about tribal body mods and layering tape.
-
Photos: Taking Acid at Coachella
When Paley sent these photos in, she included a nice little caveat over email that we've decided to reprint here in full, not only because it's too good to edit, but because her photographs of her and her weird buddies riding the snake are some of the best
-
R.I.P. Storm Thorgerson (1944-2013)
On Thursday, the hyper-talented graphic designer, artist, and famed album cover creator Storm Thorgerson passed away after a battle with cancer. He was 69 years old.
-
The Internet Is Scary
As of six months ago, my Facebook fanpage is like a dojo where hormonal teenagers hone their technique. Here is a heartfelt poem from some kid who wants to rape, kill, and marry me.
-
I Accidentally Touched Little Richard's Butt One Time
It was in the Detroit airport. After it happened Little Richard said, "He graze my derriere."
-
Listen to St. Lucia's Remix of The Colourist's "Little Games"
Last month, Cali quartet the Colourist released "Little Games," and St. Lucia just pulled a warm Balearic blanket over the whole thing, sanding away its rough edges with bright synths and lightly gated percussion.
-
Aaron Montaigne, Godfather of Screamo, is More Interesting Than You Can Ever Hope to Be - Part Two
On surviving combat in Iraq and Afghanistan with the help of magic, 'Bladerunner,' and everything in between.
NOW PLAYING ON YOUTUBE
Comments