[Ed. Note: The Kid Mero is a Bronx-based writer and comedian specializing in #KNOWLEDGEDARTS and #COKEDREAMS. Most importantly, he's our new Reviews Editor over at Noisey. He sent us an all-caps email threatening to "GENTLY KARATE CHOP [US] IN THE BREAST" if we changed any part of his reviews, so we'll be running them unedited on a daily basis from here on out.]
THIS DUDE DOES "I'M THINKING ABOUT KILLING MYSELF" SOUNDTRACKS FOR MOVIES PROBABLY RIGHT? LIKE IN EVERY MOVIE WHERE SOMEBODY IS ABOUT TO KILL THEY SELF AND THEY NEED AMBIENT SUICIDE MUSIC THIS IS THE DUDE YOU GOTTA CALL AND BE LIKE "YO LEMME GET SOME SPARSE KEYS AND SPACEY SYNTH SHIT TO REALLY GET THE MESSAGE ACROSS THAT THIS NIGGA BEING PORTRAYED IS THINKING ABOUT KILLING HIS SELF." I WENT TO PICK MY SON UP FROM DAYCARE EARLY ONCE AND THEY WERE PLAYING THIS SHIT AT NAPPY TIME. THIS IS NAPPY TIME HEROIN MUSIC B I CAN'T PROLLY EVEN GET PUSSY TO THIS UNLESS I GO TO ART SCHOOL. YO I'MA PRODUCE A FILM THAT IS JUST A SHOT OF WATER SLOWLY DRIPPING OFF A LEAF ON A DREARY DAY AND THIS IS THE NIGGA THATS GONNA DO THE SOUNDTRACK POW I JUST WON 6 OSCARS BITCH. THIS IS THE TYPE OF MUSIC THAT NIGGAS TALK ABOUT IN JARGON LIKE "THE CREATIVE CHALLENGE OF THESE PIECES IS NOT LOST IN THE FACT THAT THEY ARE NON ABTRUSIVE THEY MERELY ARE JUST THAT, MUSICALITY AND THOUGHT." NAHMEAN THAT'S HOW MY REVIEW WOULD READ IF I NEVER NOT ONCE ENTERED A WOMAN'S VAGINAL CANAL WITH MY PP. LUCKILY FOR YOU I GET PUSSY LIKE RACHEL MADDOW.
I GIVE THIS 4 PILES OF DUTCH GUTS OUT OF 5 BECAUSE BRIAN ENO IS UPON THE ELEMENTS, HE IS THE CONSENTION OF FORWARD THOUGHT IN INSTRUMENTATION AND VIABILITY OF SOUND.
STANDOUT TRACK: YO THIS NIGGA HAD THE CAUCACITY TO GIVE ALL THE JOINTS ON THIS SHIT THE SAME NAME. *SWIFTLY ROUNDHOUSES THIS NIGGA IN THE THORAX*
2013: The Year Nelly Was Everywhere and Nowhere at the Same Time
No other artist spent as much time so close to the Zeitgeist as Nelly this year without being even remotely close to being the Zeitgeist.
You Don’t Like Childish Gambino's 'Because the Internet' Because of the Internet
Don't allow the narrative surrounding Donald Glover's musical career define the way you think.
The Real Difference Between a Mixtape and an Album
Why do rappers still about sales when they could release a mixtape, gain exposure, and cash in later?
Are the Grammys Irrelevant or Did Yeezus Actually Suck?
Breaking down Yeezy's obsession with the awards.
2013: A Year In Which Some Music Happened
A year’s art starts on Day One of the new year. If we don’t quantify it somehow by December, who are we as a people and what is our worth?
If R. Kelly Makes Us So Uncomfortable, Why Do We Keep Listening?
This is art we're talking about, and it's as real as you allow it to be.
Britney Spears: Capitalism's Last Stand
At last, the Queen has found her domain.
The Real Rick Ross Stands Up
We met with the ex-crack kingpin, who told us stories from his drug dealing days and gave us an exclusive excerpt from his upcoming autobiography.
Sorry, Dudes. The Ladies Won Punk This Year.
These are the women who kicked a particularly large amount of ass in 2013.
2013: The Most OK Year Ever
Kitty Pryde reflects on her sort of shitty, sort of amazing 2013.