Belgian New Beat Taught Me How To Dance

I had this idea when I was out dancing last night and, because I had decided to pregame with a $3 bottle of wine, I was doing this weird sleepy sway thing I do where I can’t keep still but all I want to do is hit the sack. That me is no fun to dance with. And then I fell into a rabbit hole of thoughts where I was like "I wonder if people normally consider me a good dancer" and that somehow led to awkward memories of my middle school years. So, I’m sure a lot of us would like to travel back in time to meet with our teenage selves, shake them by the shoulders, and be like, “STOP THAT SHIT. STOP WHATEVER YOU’RE DOING, YOU’RE EMBARRASSING ME.” Between “burn that outfit” and “don’t listen to that band,” I would probably go back in time to tell my pubescent self to stop being such a herp derp at school dances. (Real talk, though: I think the reason I was so lame and awkward is because I got really fat one day and then that fat transferred to a rapid growth spurt a few years later, leaving my body and ego both really confused. But that’s beside the point.)

Thankfully, I eventually learned to stop being such a wallflower and bust the right moves (or maybe I haven’t, I’m not sure). But maybe you still need help. Maybe you’re all grown up but are still struggling to find the spotlight when that disco ball drops. Well, if you’re in serious need of a tutorial, you are in luck, my friend. Everything I know about dancing in public places, I’ve learned from Belgian new beat videos (they are the BEST), and you can too! Best part is they’ve got a video for all types of dance party scenarios. Watch and learn, grasshoppers:

When You're Out Dancing With Your Girlfriends And A Creepy Guy Tries To Join Your Posse

Tanzen - "Tragic Error"

This video really is a tragic error in so many ways, but I’m nothing on the dance floor without those moves. This one’s really fun to do when you’re out with your girlfriends in a foggy underground club ('cause that’s usually where the creeps lurk). Actually, when I was out last night—I shit you not—the DJ played this track, so, of course, my homegirl and I did pull out those moves. While I was moseying across the floor doing these Egyptian hand gestures, I happened to make eye contact with a nameless douchebag I briefly dated who was sitting at the bar. Dun duh duh dun CAN’T TOUCH THIS.

When You're Dating The DJ Or Trying To Get With The DJ And Find Yourself Without A Wingwoman

101 - "Rock To The Beat"

This one’s tough. When you’re dating the DJ (or simply want him for the night), you often find yourself alone on the dance floor, questioning how much time you should designate to flirting with him behind the booth and doing your own thing. I say, steal the motherfuckin’ spotlight. Take note from this fierce bitch, Jade4u, and make him wonder how many guys might come after you if he pays too much attention to his vinyl and not enough to his vixen (you).

When You're Dancing In A Dungeon With Your Entourage Of Slave Boys

Hmm Hmm—“Taste of Sugar”

I can’t say this has ever been an actual scenario of mine, but hey—I don’t know what you do on the weekends. However, “YOU WANNA SUCK MY [BEEP]?” is something you should yell out at every club.

GUYS ONLY: When You're Out With Your Single Bros And Want To Pick Up Chicks

Rhythm Device—“Acid Rock” 

This one will surely confuse everyone. If you bros are out trying to get ladies, doing this will make them wonder if you guys are part of some circle jerk clan. But who knows? I’ve seen the dumbest people/pickup moves get successful results, so…let me know how it goes.

I Don't Even Know Anymore

Major Problem—“Acid Queen”

This leads me to think Belgians are kinky-ass people. Also, I’m pretty sure the only place where dancing like this is acceptable is the Pyramid Club. Likewise, that is probably the only place where a guy can be like “show me your pussy” or “hey bitch, get down on your hands and knees” and it would just be a normal Saturday night. Also, for every video I just posted, I am becoming more and more convinced that this is actually a list of things you SHOULDN’T do at a club. Whoops.

@kristenyoonsoo