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Bad Advice... With Kitty Pryde - The Second Coming

By Kitty Pryde And Luke Winkie

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As you probably know, Kitty Pryde recently took home a Peabody for her work in her debut Noisey advice column last month, solidifying her as the most celebrated rapper/internet presence of all time. The haters waited with bated breath—could she pull it off again? Duh, she's Kitty Pryde and fuck you if you ever doubted her. These questions were 100 percent made up by me, but if any of the answers apply to you I highly recommend heeding her advice.

Also, Kitty tells me she's about to premiere a new single on her blog, so keep an eye out for that.

Dear Kitty Pryde,
I send at least 800 tweets to you a day, why won't you talk to me? I listen to your music and I think we'd have a lot in common...


Dear Twitterbug,
Listen, it's nothing personal…but I hold my Twitter to astronomical standards of comedy and quirkiness. I can't just clog it up with REPLIES, you know? I mean, if a cool celeb tweets me then I have to tweet back to casually show all my followers how cool I am, but that's all I can really do unless I get verified (lol). Sorry, but my hands are tied…get back to me when you become a supporting actor in an NBC sitcom.

Dear Kitty Pryde,
I need some advice on how to construct my OK Cupid profile. So far all I've written about is my record player. Should I write more about my
record player?


Dear Guy From fun.,
It definitely depends on what city you're in, and what you're going for as far as longterm goals on OKC. For example, if you're in San Francisco and you're looking for a serious relationship, then yes. Definitely elaborate on the record player and maybe even include a comprehensive list of all the records you own. Make up outlandish stories about where they all came from. Namedrop as many singer/songwriters as you can think of. Even if you don't own Pet Sounds, pretend you own Pet Sounds. However, if you're just looking for a girl in Daytona Beach to blow you, I would just leave every section blank and post a lot of photos of yourself in various pairs of white sunglasses and Ed Hardy tees.

Dear Kitty Pryde,
Is it possible to cancel Ken's super combo into his ultra? Would that be quarter-circle quarter-circle triple punch?

Dear Person Who Obviously Knows Too Much About Me,
It's definitely possible, but as far as I know, the only way to do it is a lucky pound on all the buttons at the same time. Actually, in my experience, those are the only actual controls in any Street Fighter game. I know that sounds like a GIRL thing to say, but seriously, trust me.

Dear Kitty Pryde,
Every time I start talking to a girl I immediately tell them I love them after like 10 minutes. Usually it's over text. Why does this keep happening to me?

Dear Michael Cera,
There are a few possibilities here:

1. You are under the age of 17.
2. You are listening to a lot of Taylor Swift.
3. You are my little brother.

Don't worry though, this isn't necessarily a bad thing. Girls eat that shit up. You'll totally get laid by prom night!!!!!!!!!

Dear Kitty Pryde,
Is 4chan not funny anymore, or am I just getting older?

Dear average male,
It's definitely a combination of both. When I was 13 and 4chan was the best thing on the Internet, but you had to have balls and you couldn't use your NAME and you didn't POST PHOTOS OF YOURSELF and you didn't CARE ABOUT THE WELL-BEING OF OTHER PEOPLE. Now I'm 19, and it's the worst thing on the Internet. I know exactly what happened, too—we blew it by doing too many hilarious things and racking up too much publicity from news outlets. Once all the wannabes found out about all the cool email account hackings and celebrity nude releases, /b/ turned into a big shitty weak lame cesspool of morons and little kids (read: tumblr). However, I find the cooking and science boards quite delightful.

 

Kitty Pryde is a professional rapper and advice-giver and is on Twitter - @kittaveli

Luke Winkie is a professional student and Twitters as well - @luke_winkie

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