Bad Advice With Kitty Pryde

Kitty Pryde is basically down for anything, including having me hit her up asking for advice. I wish Kitty Pryde had some sort of app I could ask questions into and she would give me answers and end up controlling and maintain every decision I have to make in life, because the answers to these questions are all disconcertingly good. All of these questions were 100% made up by me, but if they do somehow apply to you, I strongly suggest you follow her instructions.

Dear Kitty Pryde,

My name is Charlotte. I'm 16 and work at the Hot Topic in St. Louis Missouri. Recently I fell in love with Davy and we're going to be together forever. He is in the Navy so money isn't the problem. But my parents won't accept it because he is 27 and has an As I Lay Dying tattoo. What can I say to my parents to convince them they're wrong about our love?

Dear Charlotte,

First of all, there's absolutely nothing you can do to convince your parents that this guy isn't a total douchebag. Second of all, there's nothing you can do to convince me that this guy isn't a total douchebag. Anyone who has ever thought a metalcore tattoo was a good idea is just bad news, and I’m pretty sure dude could go to jail for fucking with you anyway. I urge you to ditch this old creepy guy and embrace your youth. You're 16 and you work at Hot Topic, you basically have the cutest possible boys at your disposal. Work it.

PS - If Davy's in the Navy, he probably will be for life.

Dear Kitty Pryde,

I'm in college now. How do I tell my high school friends I don't want to be in their shitty straightedge band anymore?

Dear edgebreak2012,

All you have to do is schedule a band meeting at your house, and make sure they "accidentally" walk in on you shooting up heroin. Not only will you be kicked out of the band, but you'll probably never have to see your bandmates ever again because they'll be too busy talking shit to everyone about how you soiled your hardcore reputation. Bonus points if they write a song about your edge break.

Dear Kitty Pryde,

My brother seriously thinks he identifies with Kendrick Lamar even though we are white, middle-class, and live in Kansas City. What should I tell him to get his shit together?

Dear suburban legend,

Have him dress up in his most expensive Supreme snapback, drive him to Compton, kick him out of the car in the middle of the night, and leave him there. Malibu’s-Most-Wanted his ass. See if that kills his vibe.

Dear Kitty Pryde,

If I write very specific things about my sex life, am I obliged to get the girl's approval? Even if I use a fake name?

Dear virgin,

Nobody’s going to read it anyway. Don’t worry.

Dear Kitty Pryde,

Is it cool to cut myself just enough to impress this scene girl in my high school? Like, I'm not going to keep doing it, but just enough to get a scar?

Dear Hollywood Undead,

Where the hell do you exist that there are still scene girls? Is this email coming to me via 2005? If so, then yeah, a cut will probably work. Scars are almost as cool as cupcakes and crudely drawn dinosaurs. Honestly, a lip-ring will probably work just as well—it's up to you to decide whether to risk tetanus or looking like a total moron. 

Dear Kitty Pryde,

Why do you hate my band so much?

-dude from fun.

Dear dude from fun.,

I tried typing all the reasons why I hate your band, but I developed carpal tunnel. So I tried using speech-to-text and my voice gave out before I finished saying all the reasons out loud. then I was like, fuck it, I guess I’ll just send an unfinished list of reasons why I hate fun., and when I tried to email it to VICE, an error message popped up and it said, "Sorry Kitty, this email can't be sent because it would take 4500 hours to send such a long list of reasons why you hate the band fun." so next time you have like two weeks free we can meet up and I will tell you in person.

Dear Kitty Pryde,

I wrote you but you still ain't calling
I left my cell, my pager and my home phone at the bottom
I sent two letters back in autumn, you must not've got 'em
There probably was a problem at the post office or something
Sometimes I scribble addresses too sloppy when I jot 'em
But anyways, fuck it, what's been up, man? How's your daughter?

Dear Stan,

I meant to write you sooner but I just been busy.

Kitty Pryde is a rapper and now an advice columnist or whatever. Luke Winkie lives in Texas. They're on Twitter - @kittaveli and @luke_winkie