Features

Avail Hype Man Beau Butler Will Run for Mayor

By Dan Ozzi

0

If you’ve ever seen the legendary Richmond, VA band Avail live, you surely have had your face nestled in the sweaty, grizzly goatee of hype man, Beau Butler (aka Beau Beau, aka that guy jumping around like a lunatic). You’ve likely stood on someone’s head while shouting in his face, “Boredom in themmumblemurrbumleUSAsomengonnaMAKE IT HOME TO RICH! MOND! V! A!”

Beau didn’t actually play an instrument in the band, he just kind of stood shirtless on stage, often with a tooth missing, and got people riled up. (Because apparently, the best, most energetic live band of all time needed a cheerleader.) It was almost like he was the mayor of the band—an official ambassador between the musicians and the fans. Well, now Beau is running for actual mayor of Richmond, VA. What is his platform? Here, let him tell you, via RVA Magazine (the best source for Avail news and...other stuff too, we guess):

Well now it's official I guess? Clay Aiken is running for Congress!!! Cause where else should a quasi famous singer (I use the word singer lightly) who also happens to be gay have the best chance of winning? The South of course, where else!? I mean he's following a long line of great people like Ronald Reagan, Sonny Bono, Ben Jones aka Cooter from the Dukes of Hazard, Jesse Ventura and Arnold into politics. With all that being said, I'm going to announce that I'm officially running the the Mayor of Richmond!!! Who wants to start the petition??? 2016 is gonna be my year I can feel it.

As part of my platform, I submit the following things that I may or may not do. It will be legal for women to be able to bare their chest the same way men do. Whenever/wherever they want because I believe in equal rights.

I would make it a priority to harass people who make it their business to fuck with restaurants with frivolous lawsuits about whatever they can think of, such as the recent article on the RVA Mag website and people that are Yelpers, cause no one likes a Yelper. Also, I will have a website to post pictures of shitty tippers and their tips to be able to reference them, sorta like the sex offender website.

I will continue $2 highballs... and a DJ.

Other things I might ban or not: wearing crocs or flip flops in public, tiny women in huge SUVs driving in The Fan, and I will make Carytown a no car area. All students will have to pay an annoyance tax cause they are annoying as shit and their dumb ass parents dropping them off will also be assessed a dips hit tax. I will outlaw sports bras and flannel shirts will be banned if you live in The Fan. I will open the GRTC back to the public. All gastropubs will have to remove that word from their signage.

So there you have it: Cheap drinks and free boobs. A solid platform. He’d probably get elected in a landslide if he promised an Avail reunion. But honestly, can’t we as a society just let one thing die in peace? No Avail reunion in 2014! (Would totally go if it happened though, just saying.)

Comments

Let's Be Friends