Features

Artist-Owned Alcohol: An Investigative Report

By Joey Paradise

Have you heard the news about Qream? Qream (always with a Q) is a liqueur that tastes like Yoo-Hoo mixed with vodka mixed with a palpable feeling of “everything is bullshit and stupid.” It’s made by Pharrell, and if it came in a smaller bottle, stupid people might confuse it for perfume. Anyway, the news about Qream is this: it’s being taken off the market soon, because no one drinks it. I learned this after going to about six different liquor stores in search of it, because I, a sentient human being with a vague modicum of taste, really wanted to drink some. I found nothing. But I ended up with a whole bunch of other shit!

Qream on the shelves or not, you can’t get drunk these days without at least thinking about some alcohol owned by a musician. That’s not true, but there are a lot of liquors that have been put out by music dudes. Last night, my friends and I drank four of them and took pictures of it, and then two of us blacked out. It ruled. Here’s what we thought of everything!

Ciroc

What is it? Vodka that costs forty dollars

Owned by: Diddy

Is its taste a metaphor for his career? Yes

This is the thing they they do not tell you about Ciroc: It is fucking delicious. Regardless of whether or not Diddy had his money-scented fingers all over this shit, it would be the best-tasting vodka in the entire universe. You should probably drink the coconut flavor, because it’s so pleasant and coconut-y that it makes everything taste like heaven and lets you know that everything is going to be okay. I’m drinking some right now, in fact. The only downside is it costs 40 dollars, so I will never be buying it again.

(Side note: If you have not realized, Diddy’s “White Parties” are all about cocaine.)

Voli

What is it? Vodka that tastes like lemons

Owned by: Pitbull

Is its taste a metaphor for his career? No

Isn’t it weird that Pitbull put out a vodka? Literally every fiber of his ironyless being just screams out “I AM GOING TO MAKE TEQUILA AND IT WILL KIND OF SMELL LIKE AXE BODY SPRAY,” and yet, Pitbull makes vodka. It’s not bad. It’s not good, but it’s not bad. It tastes like it should be cheaper than it is, which is apt because, y’know, Pitbull. The liquor store only sold mini-bottles of this, which makes me assume that Voli only comes in mini-bottle form. Imagine Pitbull in a music video, throwing bottles and bottles of little things of Voli in the air.

Malibu Red

What is it? I’m not sure.

Owned by: Ne-Yo

Is its taste a metaphor for his career? Sort of!

Ne-Yo is a gentleman. He knows that you don’t want to be alone; you want someone by your side. That’s why he made Malibu Red, which is tequila mixed with rum mixed with coconut liqueur, and I have no idea why they call it “Malibu Red.” I hated it, but my friends loved it, and now I still have half a bottle of the stuff left in my apartment. If you want to take it off of my hands, please call me. You have my number.

(Side note #2: My absolute favorite drink in the entire universe is MaliBOOYA, which is what you get when you mix Grey Goose with Malibu. In the spirit of journalism, I just did this with Malubi Red and coconut Ciroc. I like it way better than straight Malibu Red.)

Cabo Wabo

What is it? Tequila that is terrible

Owned by: Sammy Hagar

Is its taste a metaphor for his career? Absolutely.

Call me crazy, but I’ve always preferred Sammy Hagar over David Lee Roth. This is both because I’m a contrarian, and I have never given a single shit about guitars. To me, Van Halen was always a pop band that made songs using the language of metal, and I think with Sammy Hagar, they found a guy with a more innate understanding of that than David Lee Roth—a manchild whose sole interests were doing cocaine and looking cool—could ever have. Oh, yeah. This tequila is terrible and way too expensive. My friend Davis put it best when, after taking a shot of it with me, he said, “This might be just 80 proof, but it feels like a million.” I realize it’s supposed to taste strong because Sammy Hagar thinks you should be a man about things, but this sucks. You should only drink Cabo Wabo if you like Van Hagar even more than I do.

At the end, Davis and I were way more drunk than everybody else, so we decided to drink all of these things—Ciroc, Cabo Wabo, Malibu Red and Voli—at the same damn time. Here is a gif of this concoction being mixed, and then here is a gif of us drinking it and chasing it with orange juice.

Once upon a time, I accidentally tasted a little bit of pee. Another time, I drank some curdled milk. Both of these things did not taste as bad as Ciroc, Cabo Wabo, Malibu Red, and Voli mixed together. I would basically rather do anything than drink them together again. I cannot recommend that anyone drink this, ever.

So, in conclusion, you should probably drink Ciroc, but only if you are rich. All other alcohol kind of sucks.