An Imaginary Bonnaroo VIP Meet-Up Between R. Kelly and Dave MatthewsBy Drew Millard
R. Kelly stood underneath the all-seeing eye of the Illuminati-level V.I.P. tent of the 2013 Bonnaroo Music and Arts Festival, casually smoking a cigar and wearing a headband for the first time ever. His publicist told him he looked like Frank Ocean, but he didn't know who that was. R. Kelly was sweating through his suit. He didn't care.
As he stood, contemplating a lifetime of musical achievement culminating in life's ultimate reward (headlining festivals primarily associated with jam bands and indie rock), a man approached him. He looked sweaty; he wasn't wearing a suit. R. Kelly disliked him already.
"Hello," the slovenly fellow said to him. "Name's Dave. Dave Matthews. Big fan."
R. Kelly gazed upon him with thinly-veiled disdain. "I'm R. Kelly. Are you in Mumford and Sons?"
Dave Matthews was rattled. "No," he said. "I'm the guy from Dave Matthews Band."
R. Kelly didn't know what that was. "I don't know what that is," he said. "Go away, David Matthews."
"Sorry," Dave Matthews said to him. "Can I at least get a handshake?"
R. Kelly stuck out his hand for Dave Matthews to shake. In the one perfect, magical moment that they touched, the power of Jam was communicated to R. Kelly, wordlessly and beautifully. R. Kelly understood. More than ever in his entire life, he understood.
It is said that R. Kelly's heart grew ten times that day, that his generosity was known far and wide throughout Bonnaroo. All that is certain, however, is that later that day, R. Kelly took off his suit, keeping only his vest, and performed with Mumford and Sons.
Drew Millard once had an entire blog devoted to fan fiction. You can find him on Twitter here - @drewmillard
If R. Kelly Makes Us So Uncomfortable, Why Do We Keep Listening?
This is art we're talking about, and it's as real as you allow it to be.
Britney Spears: Capitalism's Last Stand
At last, the Queen has found her domain.
The Real Rick Ross Stands Up
We met with the ex-crack kingpin, who told us stories from his drug dealing days and gave us an exclusive excerpt from his upcoming autobiography.
Sorry, Dudes. The Ladies Won Punk This Year.
These are the women who kicked a particularly large amount of ass in 2013.
2013: The Most OK Year Ever
Kitty Pryde reflects on her sort of shitty, sort of amazing 2013.
Cam'ron is Still Harlem's Diplomat
We met with the Golden Boy and spoke wi
YG: Krazy, Sexy, Kool
As he readies his debut studio album, the Cali rapper talks about just how krazy his life is.
When Kellz Freezes Over
We flew down to Atlanta to interview R. Kelly. Like everything in the world of Kellz, nothing went as planned, but it still felt right.
Frank Turner Dragged Me to the Weirdest Show I've Ever Been to
Sometimes you end up at interactive dance parties in Brooklyn basements with cat people.
Kevin Morby's Midwest Heart
The former Woods player and Babies member opens up about his love-hate relationship with New York, and how the internet is eating our souls.