When you freelance, part of your job is actively thinking of thoughts that you can make money off of. Potentially lucrative thoughts are called "pitches." When an editor accepts this "Pitch," this means I get to write something and get paid money for it. If I don’t write anything, then I don’t get paid, and if I don’t get paid, then I can’t afford chicken and waffles. Basically my entire journalism life is a closed circle that ends and begins with chicken and waffles.
At Noisey, I pitch to Drew Millard, an Internet Friend and all-around-good dude. During my day, I tend to write little ideas for articles in my phone’s notepad. Sometimes, these ideas are good and interesting and turn into actual articles. Sometimes, they are completely fucking stupid. Today, you are going to take a glimpse into how desperate a freelancer can get when he’s on the hook for fresh Internet content. The following phrases, words, and extraneous thoughts are taken directly from my phone. Essentially, you are about to peek into my own personal purgatory, where my failed articles live. They shall languish on this Internet Web Page as a reminder of how dumb I am.
—All pop music is Tony Danza.
—Only listen to “Wanted Dead or Alive” every day, keep journal.
—Songs that sound like numbers.
—Why puns are PUNk rock.
—Mountains that look like Morrissey.
—Something about girl with plugs from Freshman year.
—The Crane Wife performed at Super Bowl.
—Get Up Kids reunion.
—Get Up Kids reunion ON THE MOON.
—Eat a record.
—Talk shit about everybody.
—What if Drew Millard stopped smoking weed.
—Convince Kitty Pryde to cover Haddaway.
—Mountain Goats illuminati conspiracies.
—Eat 100 chicken McNuggets in 100 minutes, tie it to music somehow.
—Write something smart.
—Interview Dan Deacon about his first kiss.
—Songs I listened to instead of writing 12-page paper about Southern Africa.
—Why the new Animal Collective album should be called Kaleidoscopic Fart.
—Review every record.
—Publish high school diary.
—Find out if every song is better with drum break from “When the Levee Breaks”
Luke Winkie is a bipedal carbon-based lifeform who expresses himself through the majesty of Twitter - @luke_winkie
The Kid Mero Versus Baltimore Party Rap
Gay rap is not a genre.
Scrapbook: MØ Flips Through Her Old Photo Albums
From grunge to crust punk to hip-hop to coyly cool Scandi-pop, MØ digs through her old photo albums for the ultimate #TBT charting her music and style evolution.
Hipsters Can't Ruin Hip-Hop Because Hipsters Don't Exist
"Hipsters" are a fictional construct, an army of imaginary scapegoats in trucker hats perched perilously on top of both a five-panel and a snapback.
Deniro Farrar: Notice - Cult Rap - Part 3/4
Deniro Discusses How Cult Rap is a Genre of Music That Connects With the Listener Through Social Commentary
Insanely Close and Personal With the Brian Jonestown Massacre
I met Katy Newcombe when we were both fifteen. Now I see her presence lurking within magazine features, disguised as the words “Anton’s teenage Welsh bride.”
Courtney Barnett Told Us How to Stop Writing Terrible Poetry and Land a Record Deal
We talked to the Australian singer about art school and why trying to write good songs just leads to writing bad ones.
Turn Up to Keys N Krates' Diplo & Friends Mix
Occasionally, we the at Noisey will kindly request that you drop whatever you're doing and turn the goddamn motherfuck up. Now is one of those times.
Meet Amos: The Man Who Designs Moog's Wonderful Toys
Moogfest takes place in North Carolina this Wednesday and boasts a lineup including M.I.A., Giorgio Moroder, Kraftwerk, Dan Deacon and many more. So we talked to the man who dreams up synths.
I Went to Bogotá in Colombia For Festival Estéreo Picnic and Danced For Days
Noisey ditched North America for South to eat endless empanadas, catch up with Julian Casablancas backstage, get winded while dancing to Phoenix and find out more about Colombia's music scene.
Give Life Back to Fhqwhgads
How a Strong Bad/Daft Punk mash-up album helped bring out the magic in 'Random Access Memories.'