Reviews
Ablebody's 'All My Everybody' EP is the Soundtrack to an Imaginary (But Very Sexual) Garden State Remake
CAPS LOCK REVIEWS
By The Kid Mero
YO MY OPENING LINE WAS GONNA BE "OH SHIT I WOKE UP IN A JAPANESE DENIM BOUTIQUE" BUT I KEPT LISTENING AND THIS IS LESS JAPANESE DENIM BOUTIQUE MUSIC AND MORE "ZOOEY DESCHANEL IS JERKING ME ILLZ* WHILE SHE LOOKS LOVINGLY INTO MY EYES" MUSIC. IF YOU EVER HAVE A THREESOME WITH ZOOEY DESCHANEL AND GINNIFER GOODWIN THIS IS WHAT YOU GOTTA PLAY IN THE BACKGROUND AND YOU GOTTA WEAR 3D GLASSES ALSO AS WELL.
I LIKE THAT DREW IS GIVING ME ALBUMS WITH LIKE 4 TRACKS ON THEM CUZ HE KNOWS I GOT THE ATTENTION SPAN OF A COKED UP MOSQUITO. THIS SHIT IS STARTING TO SOUND LIKE THE MUZAK CD THEY PLAY AT LE CHATEAU NOW. THIS SHIT STARTED OFF WITH A VERY STRONG "SOFT FOCUS LOVEMAKING WITH WHITE COLLEGIATE YOUNG WOMAN" VIBE NOW THE VIBE IS "I'M OVERDOSING ON HEROIN OH SHIT I'M DYING I KNOW I'M DYING FUCK! BUT IT FEELS SO GOOD FUCK IT *PERISHES*"
IF NIGGAS DID A REMAKE OF GARDEN STATE WITH ME AND NATALIE PORTMAN I WOULD GET THESE NIGGAS TO DO THE SOUNDTRACK BECAUSE LIKE I SAID THIS IS COLLEGIATE GENTLE LOVEMAKING MUSIC. I WOULD ALSO INCLUDE A SCENE WHERE I HIT NATALIE'S PEANUT BUTTER**. I'LL INSIST THAT WE ACTUALLY DO IT TO PRESERVE THE AUTHENTICITY OF THE FILM. I'M ACTUALLY NOT MAD AT THIS BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE A BABY ASTRONAUT IN OUTER SPACE NAHMEAN LIKE GOING TO THE DARK SIDE OF THE MOON AND WHEN I GET THERE IT LOOKS LIKE PARIS FRANCE THEN I TAKE OFF MY HELMET IN SLO MO *CAMERA PANS AROUND TO MAD FRENCH WOMEN WITH LARGE NATURAL BREASTS* YOU FEEL ME THEN I REMOVE MY DIAPER (ALSO IN SLO MO, AND REMEMBER I'M A BABY SO I GOT A DIAPER ON) THEN I START SUCKING EVERY TITTY WITH A LIL BABY BONER. THAT'S GROSS, I'M SORRY. BABY BONERS ARE DISGUSTING. WHEN I CHANGE MY SON'S DIAPER IN THE MORNING AND THE NIGGA HAS A LIL BONER HE LOOKS AT ME AND LAUGHS LIKE "MY FAULT MY NIGGA I WAS HAVING A DREAM ABOUT THE OLSEN TWINS" AND I'M LIKE "THOSE BITCHES AIN'T EVEN HOT. WHAT KINDA SHIT ARE YOU INTO SON?" SOMEBODY IS GONNA ANIMATE THAT AND WIN AN OSCAR FOR BEST ANIMATED FILM SMH I NEVER KEEP MY GOOD IDEAS TO MYSELF. I FUCKED MORE WHITE STARLETS IN THIS REVIEW THAN JOHN MAYER B! GOT DAMN!
*MEANS "JERKING ME OFF"
**MEANS "ANAL SEX"
I GIVE THIS SHIT 3 PILES OF DUTCHGUTS OUTTA 5 BECAUSE IT IS VERY ETHEREAL AND I WOULD LOVE TO PENETRATE ZOOEY DESCHANEL TO THIS WHILE SHE DOES A "1920'S MOLL" VOICE. I TOOK OFF 2 POINTS BECAUSE THE PART ABOUT OD'ING ON HEROIN MADE ME THINK OF MY OWN MORTALITY NAHMEAN AND NOW I'M SAD.
STANDOUT TRACK: "NO ROOM FOR I" IS THE BEST BECAUSE IT'S CINEMATIC AND EGREGIOUSLY CONCEPTIVE *CARRESSES EMILY BLUNT'S FACIAL*
Allow THE KID MERO to share his #KNOWLEDGE with you on Twitter - @THEKIDMERO
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