Oh, Aaron Carter, you sly cat. You Shaq-beater. You party-havin' Backstreet brother. You're a monster truck of a heartthrob by every account. Now you're all up on Twitter being cool as all hell basically 24 hours a day, getting flirty with fans and talking about your shows. The only question left unanswered is: What is your current horny level? On a scale of one to ten, with 10 being paralyzed by lust, where do you stand, pal?
Let me step back a second and explain myself, my man. This isn't a question from out of the blue whatsoever, and I'm not just messing around for the heck of it. You might remember about a month ago you tweeted this bad boy, which, correct me wrong, sounds like a declaration of massive hornitude:
I'm extremely sexual right now.
— Aaron Carter (@AARONCARTER) January 1, 2013
This tweet suggested to me at least two things: 1) Homie is mega horny. 2) You want to use your sex penis real soon, and by that I mean you want to get that sucker all riled up and ready to go, then experience a sexual encounter, during which you will use that sex rod on your equally horny fellow sex participant. I think about your tweet a lot, and I'm not even into dudes. It's just a thing that took hold in my thoughts after reading it, a riddle almost. How horny is this guy Aaron, really?
I wanted data on your situation, so I asked politely.
@aaroncarter what is your current horny level #AaronCarterHornyLevel
— jon hendren (@fart) January 3, 2013
I tried and tried for weeks to get a response, and no dice. I waited sometimes for you to say something that would allow me to shoehorn in a sexy segue that wouldn't break your concentration. I flavored my replies to the moment and asked the question a few times in some pretty honorable ways, but without blowing up your whole timeline. I spaced them out, Aaron, so you wouldn't think it was a weird thing.
Your horny level became my white whale. In all honesty, I had a dream or two around this time that you'd replied to me and that your horny level was actually a paltry two or three. I was disappointed by that. One evening I noticed a hashtag you were using, #HiAC, where babes were posting photos that you'd look at and respond to in titillating ways. Figuring this was my chance, I put on my best polo / bolo combo (unbeatable in my experience) and puppydog face. I really wanted to know the horny level.
Nothing. Cold as ice. You know, It's not that weird of a request, Aaron. You've obviously got some sizzle in your jeans to be tweeting in the sexual manner you do, and don't get me wrong, I'm not knocking it! There's nothing wrong with feeling some tingle in your dingle. Heck, I've been known to be sex horny once or twice in a blue moon, and I'm sure lots of folks reading this have also felt that way. We are a whole bunch of sexual folks here, Aaron. Lots and lots of us. We understand, and thousands of us would like to know about your horny level.
You mentioned that you'd fess up to this horny mumbo-jumbo if the topic started trending on twitter, Aaron. We did that. Millions of people saw. You said you'd do it. We just want to know your horny level, and then we'll leave you alone. Or heck, I'll do you one better and come to a show or buy a song or something. I'm a reasonable man, Aaron. I just want to know how horny you are on a scale from one to ten. No decimals. Come on pal, what's going on in that noggin of yours?
Where is it? Where is the horny level? It's not here yet, we haven't seen it. Aaron Carter—we spit our last breath at thee—what is your horny level?
Jon Hendren will be haunted by the mystery of #AaronCarterHornyLevel until the day he dies. He tweets from the most glorious Twitter handle of all time - @fart
-
Ace of Base's Secret Nazi Past
Before he founded Ace of Base, Ulf Ekberg was a member of Commit Suiside, a Nazi punk band.
-
Parquet Courts - "Light Up Gold Road Trip" (Full Documentary)
In this new documentary, Noisey follows rising indie rockers Parquet Courts from Mexico to Texas and London as they tour to support their debut LP, 'Light Up Gold.'
-
Yung Lean Doer Is the Weirdest 16-Year-Old White Swedish Rapper You'll Hear This Week
Yung Lean raps over pillow-fluffy beats and raps about glory holes and Arizona Iced Tea. Who the fuck is this kid? And why is he like this?
-
Adam Ant - The British Masters, Chapter 6
Noisey's John Doran talks with the great post-punk pop star Adam Ant about tribal body mods and layering tape.
-
Photos: Taking Acid at Coachella
When Paley sent these photos in, she included a nice little caveat over email that we've decided to reprint here in full, not only because it's too good to edit, but because her photographs of her and her weird buddies riding the snake are some of the best
-
R.I.P. Storm Thorgerson (1944-2013)
On Thursday, the hyper-talented graphic designer, artist, and famed album cover creator Storm Thorgerson passed away after a battle with cancer. He was 69 years old.
-
The Internet Is Scary
As of six months ago, my Facebook fanpage is like a dojo where hormonal teenagers hone their technique. Here is a heartfelt poem from some kid who wants to rape, kill, and marry me.
-
I Accidentally Touched Little Richard's Butt One Time
It was in the Detroit airport. After it happened Little Richard said, "He graze my derriere."
-
Listen to St. Lucia's Remix of The Colourist's "Little Games"
Last month, Cali quartet the Colourist released "Little Games," and St. Lucia just pulled a warm Balearic blanket over the whole thing, sanding away its rough edges with bright synths and lightly gated percussion.
-
Aaron Montaigne, Godfather of Screamo, is More Interesting Than You Can Ever Hope to Be - Part Two
On surviving combat in Iraq and Afghanistan with the help of magic, 'Bladerunner,' and everything in between.
NOW PLAYING ON YOUTUBE
Comments