A Letter to Will.I.Am Regarding Intellectual Property
Please, sit down. It's worse than you thought. Look, we all figured Pharrell was the end of it. We were wrong. Turns out he's just the tip of an iceberg extending deep into the underbelly of the t-shirt industry, where bottomfeeding lowlifes will stop at nothing to profit off hard-earned intellectual property. There's nothing to which these clowns won't stoop to scrounge a few bucks and promote their vulgar brands. If you ask me, wearing a t-shirt with the first-person passive voice is like wearing a giant badge that says, "Arrest me, please. I hate Will.I.Am because I am jealous of his success. That is why I stole from him." I'd print and distribute such badges myself if they didn't say "I am." Anyway, I suggest you sue for a nation-wide ban on the phrase. I've already begun watching myself—if I absolutely need to let my colleagues know my location or plans, I'll say, "Will.I.Am almost done" or "Will.I.Am going to the restroom." It's inconvenient, but so is jail, where these morons belong. I know you and your legal team are busy so I've tried to help out by compiling the most egregious violations I could find. Hopefully you can shut these thieves down as soon as possible.
Your loyal servant,
PS. Will.I.Am not just doing this for attention, nor because I want free tickets to see you perform at Wrigley's Chicago Sports Bar & Grill in Golden, Colorado on July 4th. Will.I.Am doing this because our nation cannot flourish while scumsuckers prosper off the artistry of others. Once again, you are a terrific artist and Will.I.Am deeply sorry you have to deal with these jokers.
WARNING—DO NOT PURCHASE THESE STOLEN SHIRTS
This one makes me particularly angry for some reason.