Wait, What Exactly Is This Viral Video About Anyway?

Last week, ironically famous YouTube person, IceJJFish, dropped a video for "On the Floor" that couldn't not go viral. It had everything: hot ladies, tone-deaf singing, and a star people could laugh at while feeling better about themselves. But since the song's lyrics often get lost in the spectacle that is JJ's god-given gift for singing, I thought I would give "On the Floor" a serious listen and try to analyze what's going on in the internet's favorite new viral video…

It's something about you, girl,
That just makes my head wanna twirl,
You got me wanting to tell all them other girls,
There's nothing else better on this world!

This is a good start, JJ! Women love men who aren't afraid of commitment. I'm sure that establishing your monogamous intentions upfront will go over well with your lady. All good so far. Plus the subtle reference to The Exorcist. Women appreciate film buffs.

The moment I seen her I was in shock,
So shocked you would've think that I've just been shot.

OK, songwriting tip: Probably best not to compare your love for your lady to being violently shot with a gun, but you're on the right track. Your intentions are good, JJ. Go on…

Shot down right down in this spot.
But too bad this doesn't happen a lot.
Oh, girl, you got me visualizing me on top,
On top of your hot body while we're sweating a lot,
A lot of time on the clock before we would have to stop.
Too bad shes not into that stuff a lot.

OK, JJ, hang on. If this woman's not into the "stuff" that's going on in the bedroom, you should stop. Sex needs to be consensual. Stop doing this "stuff" if it makes her uncomfortable.

Oh man, she's just super hot,
Hotter than the sun that's right on top,
On top of our heads, oh man, there she goes so I had to stop.

Where did she go? Is she trying to leave? If she's trying to leave, DO NOT TRY TO STOP HER. This is what's known as kidnapping and it is a serious crime.

And ask her some questions that I had in stock.

What were the questions? Maybe inquire about the "stuff" she's not really "into" so that you can adjust your sexual interactions accordingly.

She said she wants to take it slow,
I'm not that type of guy, I'll let you know,

OK, wait…

When I see that red light all I know is go,

Wait, JJ, hold on here, this is taking a really bad turn…

So baby girl lets do this on the floor.

OK, JJ, I think what you've just described here is sexual assault. This is serious, hang on, we need to talk about this…

Yeah, let's get up on the floor,
Show me your moves that makes you such a pro.

JJ, STOP. This is not going well. It sounds an awful lot like you've just had non-consensual sex with this woman on the floor.

A pro at being the one that I want to know,
Ew yeah girl I'ma let you know,
You're the one that I'm really into, boo,
There's a million and one places I could be but I'd rather be with you.

Yes, jail for one, JJ. Please stop so we can discuss this…

Me and you can invent something that's new,
That we only know that's between us two.

Now it's starting to sound like you're threatening this woman from going to the authorities. You're making things much worse, JJ. Oh girl, you drove me out my mind,
Since you did, that I'm digging deep in your spine,
Did ever get the hint that I'm claiming your mine?

OK, this sounds less like a romantic evening and more like a crime scene. Have you murdered this woman? You need to turn yourself in to the police immediately if that's the case.

Yeah that's what's going on this time.
I would put my life on the line.
The line just to be the one to call you mine,
Now I'm picking up the phone just to call your line,
Because baby girl, you're on my mind.

She won't pick up, JJ, because she is very likely dead. The police are on their way.