Bluffing Your Way Through Silly Genres On The Internet

Talking about music in real life is fun. You get drunk, you argue about CFCF, you get drunker, you all sing The Stone Roses. Conversations about music on on the internet however, aren’t that hassle-free. As Claudia Boerner found out, everyone's a bastard on the internet, so we're giving you a helping hand. Here’s how to talk confidently on the internet about genres you’ve given cursory nods to and records you’ve barely heard and have very little urge to hear.

AMBIENT

Artists to mention: Tim Hecker, Harold Budd, Stars of the Lid. WARNING: Brian Eno is a touchstone and thus rarely needs to be actively mentioned. His presence is always implicit.

Key words/phrases: ‘Haunting spectral drift’, ‘Barley perceptible tonal mutations,’ ‘Lightly hovering synth washes streak the sonic canvas.’

Instant Opinion: ‘Ambient is something that means everything and nothing at once. Ambient can be sound of a washing machine in the final spasms of a cycle. Ambient can be Tangerine Dream’s beautifully glacial experimentations in the limits what music is, and what music should be. Ambient pauses the world, and traps us within the icy confines of its blue-hued sound, making us voluntary pupae in its musical cocoon. IMHO.’

HOUSE/TECHNO

Artists to Mention: Move D, Omar S, Mark E.

Keywords/phrases: ‘Relentlessly jackin’’, ‘Old skool Tresor by way of contemporary Kompakt’, ‘Authentically Detroit.’

Instant Opinion: ‘The resurgence in deep house has resulted in a glut of largely dull records that stick to the same safe percussive paths, mine the same diving bell tones, share the same lush synth pads playing the same downward chord progressions, share the same doleful/soulful female vocals. It’s a dead end. Minimal, on the other hand, is thriving.’

NOISE

Artists to Mention: Wolf Eyes, Merzbow, Kevin Drumm

Keywords/phrases: ‘Harshly modulated’, ‘Brutal sonics’, ‘insanely twisted.’

Instant Opinion: ‘That new Smear Test cassette on Vommitorium Tapes is completely fucken’ crucial. Some of the harshest stuff I’ve heard all year brah, totally brutal. Not for pussies. This shit is real hard real loud real fucken sick. Acid Noise all over yr FACE!!!!’

POP

Artists to Mention: This changes very rapidly, though you can always fall back on Sugababes.

Keywords/phrases: ‘knowingly trashy aesthetic exercise’, ‘pure bubblegum bliss!’, ‘

Instant Opinion: ‘If you fail to see how Jessie J’s "Domino" is a repositioning of the notional role of the ‘singer’ within the framework of the ‘song’ – both the ‘song’ that we hear and the ‘song’ that the ‘singer’ ‘sings’ – as well as being a radical analysis of the role of the feminist in the contemporary pop canon, then, frankly you can sod off and listen to Burial, or whatever you so-called hipsters are fooling yourselves into liking these days.’

UK FUNKY

Artists to Mention: Funkystepz,

Key words/phrases: ‘Heavily swung percussion’, ‘roughneck snares’, ‘Ben UFO can’t get enough of this one.’

Instant Opinion: ‘Eschewing the feminine pressure that some DJs go for, Marcus Nasty’s sets are propulsive blasts of rugged, roughhewn UK Funky running roughshod over the most wildly swinging, tribal percussion you’ve ever heard. At his best, Nasty plays sets that sound like the breaking of eternal waves – he pumps harder and harder, never stopping, always pumping. Until he drops something a bit more subtle; quietly bowing our minds. Best Funky DJ I’ve seen since Crazy Couzins were the dons.’

And there you have it: how you can talk about music you’ve barely listened to on the internet, on the internet.

@bain3z