A 100 Percent Accurate Guide to What Will Happen in Music in 2015

It's time to close the books on 2014, a year in which some music happened, and immediately turn our attention to 2015, a year in which some more music will happen. Some artists will rise, others will fall, new songs will blow our minds, and the amount of writing about music will finally surpass the amount of music being made. Here are a few guaranteed true predictions for the music year that will be in 2015:

It will only be the 19th-worst year for music: As everyone knows, 2014 was a terrible year for music. Not only was there no “huge” or “relevant” album that re-defined the cultural zeitgeist in 2014, there wasn't even one song that a single person liked. Everyone spent the year re-listening to the soundtrack from Batman Forever. It was the worst year for music on record. Fortunately, 2015 will be better. Here are all the years it will be better than: 2012, 1991, 1418, 9, 1728, 1994, 1419, 2029 (Part II), 1970, 11, 1812, 1964, 30200, 1308, 1978, 283, 2031 (Part 7-A), and 1811.

Guitars will be cool again: Whether they were acoustic, electric, acoustic-electric, eight-stringed, 12-stringed, double-necked, lap-steels, ukuleles, selmers, resonators, guitarrons, or even harps (ESPECIALLY harps), guitars in 2014 sounded as good as it sounds when your parents tell you they’re getting a divorce. If a person told you they liked a song with guitars in 2014, they’re a dipshit. That’s simply not going to be the case in 2015, when guitars will be cool again, and anytime there is drums, everyone will be all like, “FUCK these drums” and absolutely hate drums.

U2 partners with Blue Cross Blue Shield to drop a triple-disc album directly into your bloodstream next summer: Not to be outdone, co-branding opportunist Jay Z brokers a creative alliance with the U.S. Treasury Department in which every piece of money printed in 2015 auto-plays a song from his new album, Bank of America.

New York City will release a music video about Taylor Swift: Although the celebrated 390-year-old metropolis isn't historically known for its musical chops, that will all change in 2015, when the newly anointed city-songwriter releases a music video doubling as a love letter to its favorite resident, T Swift. Featuring all the things that New York loves about Taylor Swift, including her vintage originality, classic songbird looks, and sense of curated whimsy, the video “The Human-Small-Cup-of-Sorbet That Never Sleeps” will include a 14-minute intro displaying photos of antique children from Taylor's collection, as well as a 12-hour time-lapse of Taylor walking around her apartment opening mason jars and looking inside them.

There will be no song of the summer: But it's not for the reason you think. There will be plenty of qualified candidates, including Iggy Azalea's “Mall (feat. 2Pac),” “No Poverty” by Macklemore, and the Calvin Harris/Pharrell/Katy Perry collaboration justifiably titled “The Song,” but summer never arrives. Americans wait, hands hovering over their radio dials, as the nation endures a bitterly cold, frozen hellscape from June to September, and it gets nice for a couple days in October but by then it's too late.

The Minnesota Orchestra will be back and better than ever following its 16-month lockout over a salary dispute: Finally, the ugly conflict that saw the super-rich players battle the mega-rich owners for more money will be over. Americans are sick and tired of seeing these overpaid crybabies whine publicly about not getting enough money from their collective bargaining agreement, despite the fact that taxpayers take on the burden of funding massive, state-of-the-art concert halls to keep orchestra owners and players happy, as well as proudly wear the concert attire of their favorite flutists and violinists to performances. In return for their undying love and support, all fans get is a strike-shortened concert season and constant threats to move to Seattle, which has been orchestra-less since its own orchestra ditched it for Oklahoma City in 2008.

Jaden Smith meets and fuses minds with the president: After a series of cryptic tweets from President Obama’s official account, including “Where Is The Tree The Executive Branch Grows On?” “The President And Willow Share DNA And Trade Cells,” and one that just says “Laws,” it becomes clear that Jaden Smith inhabited the commander-in-chief’s consciousness after a chance meeting in the White House photobooth.

LIGHTNING ROUND! THINGS 2015 WILL BE THE YEAR OF: Not feeling blessed
Rappers wearing batting helmets
Releasing an album on the dictionary app
Florida Georgia Line
Accidentally writing and recording a song that sounds just like “Float On” and no one realizes until it's too late (Oh, wait, that already happened)
Thinktweets
“R&B-infused”
A fan asking Harry Styles if she can have his hair and he goes “yeah, totally” and just takes it off and gives it to her
Hacked GIFs
Metallica putting out a series of esoteric Vines of empty roads and you can hear all of them crying softly in the background
Diplo DJing your kid’s breakfast
Asking French Montana if he'll do a guest verse and he says thanks so much for thinking of him, but no thanks
Apple buying the rights to the piano and all the music it makes
Using a hologram of young Bob Dylan at the Grammy's and it's awkward because old Bob Dylan is standing right there
Chore-wave
“Mariah Carey”
Drake going to the same Starbucks twice in one day and getting called out on it
Releasing an album one second at a time on C-SPAN over the course of an afternoon
Several untimely deaths: Eminem (actually for real this time), Fergie, Carrie Underwood, Ben Folds, Ryan Lewis (joins the 27 Club)
Really original ideas, like really unique ideas

There will only be one music festival: Owing to demand for music festivals to include more of people’s favorite artists, more new artists, more local artists, more artists in under-represented genres, and more diverse artists, the producers of every music festival decide to combine them all, consolidating them into a single one held on an uninhabited island in the middle of the Pacific. Tickets cost $40,000, it lasts two months, and also it’s BYOSailboat. Somehow, it is still only 19-year-olds wearing headscarves and wasted tech bros, there’s no drinking water available, and it sorta sucks.

Spotify will earn universal praise for its ambitious, groundbreaking ability to create genres: Not content to rest on its laurels after coming up with the critically adored genre “metropopolis,” the perfect genre name to describe the music that it is, Spotify heads back to the studio. In July, it wows its users when it makes up “chamberscuzz,” a fascinating and deeply resonant genre that can be heard in four seconds of a Future Islands song and in the name (but not the music) of The Gaslight Anthem. With people begging for more, Spotify enters a flurry of creative activity, coming up with genre name hits like “drone crooning,” “anti-indie,” “New-York-Times-wave,” and “EDM Walgreens,” cementing its legacy as the best music genre-creator of its generation, and perhaps of all time.

The Grammys will honor all the right people: It won't piss everyone off, and web traffic will suffer for the entire week as a result.

Devin Schiff lives in Chicago and is on Twitter.